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Adoption

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Original poster

Fed up of being understanding

12 replies

PicaK · 05/02/2015 22:04

So, my Mil and sils have a lot of concerns about us adopting.

I'm angry with them. And yet all the things they're saying are things that we've thought very hard about and accepted. Stuff like our very easy happy lives being "spoilt", our birth ds suffering. And yet the drive to have another child in our lives is so strong it transcends everything. I'm braced, braced, braced for our lives to be turned upside down and for it to be awful (social worker beamed at me when I said that) we both are. It seems a fair price to pay for the moments of joy we'll get back.

I guess it's hard for them. It will prob all change and when they meet our child they'll fall in love. But honestly - we tell you excitedly we've got our provisional panel date and all you can do is question if we really want to do this. Gah!! Fed up.

Not asking for advice - just wanted to vent. (Wanders off to scoff all the hobnobs in the cupboard)

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 05/02/2015 22:10

PicaK how annoying. Just go broken record on them.

Are you prepared - yes you are...

Do you know... yes you do

In fact as much as you can do not engage with all this, just smile and wave, in the words of the penguins. And look cute and cuddly.

Italiangreyhound · 05/02/2015 22:10

Oh I know you said no advice but I just can't help myself!

Original poster
PicaK · 05/02/2015 22:54

No, no - I shall channel the penguins from here on in!! Thank you.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 06/02/2015 14:46

I love the 'smile and wave' just keep doing what you want to do and put the face on it your parents need to see. Because ultimately of course it is your life and you must do what but most of us do love our families and don't just want to get into arguments etc with them. They will come round, they will understand.

Italiangreyhound · 06/02/2015 14:46

...you must do what you want to do but most of us do love our families

tea4two4three · 06/02/2015 21:13

Blurgh! In-laws are the bain of my life! For us they were the people who talked us out of adoption with all their horror stories and negativity. Five years later we did it without telling them and only did so when they had to be visited by SS. Even after that there were thoughtless and insensitive comments which made me cry and want to tear my hair out. Now however...actually no, they are still a bit fat pain in the ass, but because they are absolutely besotted with their grandchild and won't leave us alone! My husband arrived home tonight saying his mother has been on at him because they are having withdrawl as they haven't seen DC in ages (about three days). They turn up at the house at all hours with various excuses and would take DC for their own if they had the choice.

Also:Our DC is amazing, lives have not been turned upside down and things are certainly not awful. I'm not naive enough to think that it will always be this way but don't think that all adoption stories have to come with some hideous complication.

As for my two peneth worth. Avoid the buggers. It's already a stressful enough situation without having to listen to and deal with that. They are in-laws send the other half in to deal with them. Brew Cake (decaf tea as it's getting late, and cake as hobnobs won't cut it on a Friday night) x

2old2beamum · 06/02/2015 21:28

Agree with all posts. It was my "family" who were so negative, I decided stuff it you silly lot. 8 extra children Smile down the line we are the happiest ones, DH's family were very supportive. My lot kept on about our BC's but they all have been so supportive and now their parteners

Our 8 have given us so much pure joy (even the 3 little tinkers who died bless them!!)

Go for it and good luck

Italiangreyhound · 07/02/2015 03:07

Oh PicaK my little one (now 4) is amazing and to be honest no one would guess he joined us by adoption. He is the most loving and charming little boy. It is not always so but we were just very fortunate. My birth dd is quite a handful! It is not always so straight forward to say children who join a family by adoption will be really difficult.

Of course there can be issues and sometimes these can be huge, but it is not always so simple. And one learns to love your child, however they arrive and whatever happens (IMHO) and in most cases you cope. But there are a few high profile cases where parents have just not been able to cope and your parents in law may have heard of these (or may be filling in the blanks) and maybe they do have logical fears, even though they are being unfair to push their fears onto you.

IMHO being well prepared and well supported is helpful. You may wish to drop into your smiling and waving how important appropriate support is, and I would practise the phrase 'Would you be able to support us?' and make a note of anything they feel they can do and if they say no then smile and say something like 'Well, we do have lots of others supportive friends etc.'

Because you might want to give them a limited chance to air their views (IMHO up to a point!) and maybe by allowing them to express their concerns, but not rising to any bait, you may fund they run out of energy BUT I must say my in laws were very supportive so what do I know!

Italiangreyhound · 07/02/2015 03:10

Sorry, MIL and SIS not inlaws (if FIL around and how does he feel?).

may fund they run out of energy should be may find they run out of energy

Original poster
PicaK · 08/02/2015 19:45

Lovely, lovely fil no longer with us. Is a source of comfort to dh that he said a few times in quiet moments how much he would love Dh',s children whether birth or adopted.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 09/02/2015 01:24

Sorry PicaK, to hear that.

Hoping things are better.

Italiangreyhound · 09/02/2015 01:25

I mean better with MIL and SIL.

My dear father died before dd was born (but knew I was pregnant) and we did not adopt ds for another 10 years!

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