How best to support friend who has just adopted?

[glacierchick]

Hello ladies,
the subject says it all really.

A bit of back story:
After a very long wait a good friend of mine has finally adopted an LO from abroad. I don't really want to give too many details as they are not mine to share but she is a single parent and her family also lives abroad. Her new LO is the same age as my youngest (I have 2 DCs) and we have spent a lot of time together since the adoption came through a few months ago. I have had no experience with regard to adoption or fostering so don't really know what is the right advice/help to offer.

I now see that my friend is having quite a difficult time. Her child is very sweet and has come on in leaps and bounds. They seem to have bonded quite well but of course it's tough having no-one else around to share the difficulties of parenting a small child (not a baby so all the usual toddler issues to deal with as well).

She is on full time parental leave so I guess there is a lot of time during the day when she has her hands full and noone to really share it with. I am at work full-time and though we try to get together at least twice a week after work/daycare it's not always easy and I think my friend is finding it difficult to cope with the especially difficult bedtime hours.

I suppose I'm just really asking for suggestions of how make my friend's life a bit easier. I think she probably hadn't counted on her life changing quite so much and the child being so dependent on her. Not having her own family around has not helped either I think and of course although she has friends here, few of them have children the same age.

I notice she seems quite frustrated, and quite stressed about parenting and I would hate to see her take it out on the child (not that I think she would but it's clearly a new and stressful time).

Maybe I should just try and visit with wine and chocolate when the children are in bed? Though I would hate my friend to think that I think she's not coping very well. Or are there any good books you could recommend for me to read?

I have on one or two occasions looked after the child so that my friend can have an hour or two to herself. This has been reasonably successful, though I can see the child looking around for the mother and being clearly much happier when she is back. I would offer to do this more often but i understand the important thing is for the child to bond to the primary caregiver by spending as much time as possible with her? Any thou´ghts on this?

Any suggestions very gratefully received.

GC

I'm going to make some guesses, so if they're wrong then some of my comments won't work and you'll have to correct me!

Your friend would (I believe) have had to be assessed and approved as an adopter in the UK, prior to then adopting her child from overseas. During this assessment process, it is usual for the social worker to dig quite deeply into the kind of support network the adopter has. This is especially true of single adopters, in my experience . Now, theoretical support networks can and do topple over, but it might be a place to start for your friend when perhaps reviewing how she can make tiny adjustments to improve how supported she feels. For example, in the exhaustion and emotional tumult after placement, I forgot that several people had offered a regular telephone "offload" for me. Months and months later, I remembered that offer, and now have them booked into the diary. They have become vital times to reflect and plan how to tackle things. But you have to wait until the dust settles a bit and your friend's able to see straight!

My second guess is that the adopted child, and your child, are both fairly young (under school age)? For your friend, don't forget she hasn't had the earlier years with this child, which can be when other mums build up friendships. I found it pretty tough to meet other mums of pre-school aged children, as most had returned to work, so during my adoption leave it could sometimes be quite lonely. It can also be quite intimidating to take your child out in the early days, as you don't know them very well - will they run off? Will they scream? Will they be OK around roads/noise/other children..? It gets easier every time but I remember how tough it was to start with.

The early days of placement can be scary and isolating, and you sort of have to dig deep and get through. You're right, it's recommended that the child's world is kept pretty small in order to simplify bonding with the new parent. However, if your friend really needs company, going round for a cup of coffee but just making sure you're not too hands on with her child, and that your friend is the one who does any providing of food/comfort, could be a life-saver for your friend. Some of the best things people did for me in the early days were: bring round supper after LO was in bed, and sometimes stay to share, sometimes leave me to it; deliver groceries or chemist stuff when we were sick; surprise books/music/cards by post; regular emails whether I replied or not.

I'm sure she is tense and stressed - the claustrophic feeling of sudden responsibility is, I'm sure, one you remember from when you first had a newborn. It's very tough when a whole fully-formed personality of a slightly older child arrives. This child is likely to be grieving, confused and potentially suffering from early trauma: conventional parenting strategies for things like bedtime may not be suitable at all. I expect your friend has done bucketloads of research, and already draws support from things like BAAF, Adoption UK, etc. You asked if there was anything you could read as her friend, which is a lovely thing to offer. You could look at Sally Donovan's "Unofficial Guide to Adoptive Parenting" gives an insight into just how different adoptive parenting is from birth parenting, and is also very funny in places. Other than that, maybe start with Adoption UK's booklist and see if anything strikes a chord for you? www.adoptionuk.org/shop

glacierchick (great name). You sound very caring and a great friend.

Can I ask, has your friend had much in term of preparation for parenting, a parenting course? If not I would completely recommend she sees what is on offer. To her as an adopter or a good parenting course.

Some courses will come with childcare options (a crèche) some will not.

I can recommend the book The Parenting Puzzle and the course, the Family Links Nurturing course.

familylinks.org.uk/parents/i-want-to-do-the-parenting-puzzle-course

Certainly offer her your support, a listening ear, offer to look after her little one, go out together when you can and see her when little ones are in bed. Make sure you do not make her totally dependant on you. Because you may not always be able to offer her so much time so be careful she does not come to totally rely on you.

Encourage your friend to develop new friendship with other stay at home mums, while she is one, e.g. toddler groups or NCT

www.nct.org.uk/

Good luck and maybe point her to towards these boards where she can post questions and read other experiences.

All best wishes.

Oh should say USO makes some excellent points.

WereJamming also makes excellent points.

I was told in the early says not to go out much etc etc but I did find it very hard to do that! I have a ten year old birth dd (9 whn ds arrived) so I did need to go out daily to drop dd at school and pick up.

I cannot imagine how isolating it must feel not to be able to go out at all much and I think it is important to go out (to the park, shops etc or for a walk) because the not going out is about not mixing with lots of other mums (or dads) and children.

One of the things that helped me a lot (my little one was 3 when arrived, is 4 now) was to go swimming in regular toddler swim class, with children aged baby to preschool.

I also did go to a local toddler group, and my little one coped with it very well, he played by himself mostly, which is younger than his years, but he was at least exposed to a wide range of toys in a big space and got the routine of snack and story time. This may not be right for your friends little one, but I was thinking most of support for her. Of course if a specific adoption group is available this would be even better but I am not sure how common these are. I only came across one in the last year and it was really just adults in the daytime which meant my little one was the only child. There were some toys present so for him he felt like it was just a group to go to but really it was a bit unusual for him to be the only child.

And totally agree with others she will need to parent differently so may find others do not always have the answers etc so will need to feel strong in what she knows/is learning about why children who join families by adoption may have very different issues.

You could ask to have this thread removed if you think it would be unhelpful for her to see it, and I would say this would be advisable.

The adoption support group I went to was run through my local County Council adoption department but you may find some run by Adoption UK, ask them about local support groups.

www.adoptionuk.org/one-one-support/support-groups

Our adoption county council paid for us to have one year's free membership. However, there was not a local support group. I would be very careful about joining anything that costs money before checking out what they actually offer.

This is not necessarily an option if your friend adopted internationally but it is worth her asking the voluntary agency she adopted through (if so) what they suggest/offer, etc.

Sorry - it is worth her asking the voluntary agency she adopted through - I am not suggesting you do any of this on her behalf, just suggest things to her if you feel it is right to suggest this.

Something that has helped adopters I know is to talk to the child about your friend. It's easy to get adult centric about it. But if you make the DC welcome and talk about what you know about their new parents, it makes the transition easier for the child, which makes it easier for the adopted parents.

Wine & chocs/cheese for the parent also helps.

Thanks ladies for all your help, it's reassuring to know that I haven't made too many blunders so far (except the "all children do that" one, oops, I see your point here werejamming ).

The additional complication is that we are in a third foreign country and I don't speak her first language either, which is what the child is also now (very very slowly) starting to speak so although we are used to being around each other, communication with the child is still fairly limited.

I am not sure of the details around adoption support groups here, though I gather she was offered one if she felt it necessary, but I suspect the language would be a bit of a barrier.

I will ask to have this thread deleted in the next few days, just in case, so thanks for your help ladies, it's good to hear that you have all experienced these issues. I have very much got the impression that adoption in cases like this encompasses all the weirdness of having a newborn with the additional complication of a toddler with a complex life history.

I will also look up the book suggestions.

Many thanks again.
best wishes

GC