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I'm Hurt, My boy is to start visits with his biological mother.

25 replies

N0tmyn0rmalname · 05/02/2015 17:16

I've name changed as i know full well it's unfair. He's excited about meeting her of course, and I've encouraged it because it's natural and he has every right to be.
I've had him in my care under a special guardianship order for 3 years, Me and my DP are the ones who have had to clean up his mess and help him overcome the abuse she left him with.
This woman left him so hungry that he was eating dog food, The visits will be supervised but it hurts me that she can just come back into his life.

I know she must have sorted herself out to a certain standard for her to be granted any kind of contact. I realizes it must have been a struggle, but it's not fair i can't over look what she did because i see this boy struggle everyday.

OP posts:
twitchyfingerednamechanger · 05/02/2015 17:19

Flowers i don't know what to say other than you're amazing. He will know whose really there for him

TheFecklessFairy · 05/02/2015 17:20

I am sending you some very un-MN hugs N0tmy.

N0tmyn0rmalname · 05/02/2015 17:28

Thank you, i just need somewhere to get it out of my system.

OP posts:
GothMummy · 05/02/2015 17:31

Im really sorry, I think its completely normal to feel hurt in this situation.

JeanneDeMontbaston · 05/02/2015 17:34

I think it shows what an amazing amount you've achieved, that he is excited. You must have made him feel so safe and loved, if he can feel that way. It is a huge testimony to what you've done.

GritStrength · 05/02/2015 17:35

How difficult Flowers

MatildaTheCat · 05/02/2015 17:38

Sending you huge love and support. You must feel so angry and anxious. Let's hope and pray the contact visit goes well and there isn't any fallout for you to deal with. Is your little boy getting professional support through this? Flowers

IndridCold · 05/02/2015 17:51

It's so tough for you, but don't feel guilty about feeling hurt. My aunt and uncle went through this with a boy they fostered, and then his mum rejected him again, and they almost had to start from scratch!

It all ended happily though.

N0tmyn0rmalname · 05/02/2015 17:52

He has had loads of support, we also have a very good social worker who gets things done. I can't really fault anyone they have been brilliant to us.

But all the support in the world won't help if his mum abandons him again and doesn't keep up the visits, all his problems will start over.

OP posts:
Armpitt · 05/02/2015 17:54

i agree that i just CANNOT see how this will benefit such a small boy.

Preciousbane · 05/02/2015 18:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyPenny · 05/02/2015 18:09

Bless you of course this will be so difficult for you, but you are doing an amazing thing for your liitle boy. There is another woman in his life who once was "mummy" no matter how badly she did the job. He's yours now though and you are mummy but you need to let him acknowledge his past.

My 7 year old adopted dd has direct contact with her birth mother. She has a similar background to your ds. We meet twice a year with dd and so far it has been nothing but beneficial for dd. She enjoys the visits but in no way does she see her BM as anything other than the person who gave her life. That's also how I try to see her. I try to forget what a rubbish mother she was and focus on the fact that she gave birth to this amazing little girl who I now have the privilage of being mother to. I will be forever grateful to her for that.
DD has recently asked to meet her biological father. Because he is now in his 70s and has been ill dh and I have decided to allow her to meet him. However, dh is struggling with it. He finds it hard to accept that another man fathered his much loved dd. This is just going to be a one off meeting though.

Is the meeting your idea? Will you be at the meeting?. I ask that because I don't think I could cope with dd meeting her birth family without me being there to support her and know what was being said. I'm very strict with dds birth mother, she's not allowed to be over gushy. No I love you/ miss you etc and she doesn't call herself mummy it's proper name only.

Is it going to be an ongoing thing?.

N0tmyn0rmalname · 05/02/2015 18:17

It's not my idea, at least not totally, but I will definitely be there, and I'm certainly going to make similar rules.

It's probably going to be on going but at the moment there are no future plans, I'm just so worried about it all. He will have this idea of who his mother is already in his head and she's not going to meet that.

OP posts:
ToffeeCaramel · 05/02/2015 18:25

So hard for you. When your boy grows up he will understand the amazing things you've done for him to make his life better after the sad start in life birth woman gave him. He'll understand. Thanks

ToffeeCaramel · 05/02/2015 18:30

I don't think anyone would think you were being unfair to be hurt by your son seeing someone who neglected and exposed him to abuse by the way

N0tmyn0rmalname · 05/02/2015 19:21

It's not unfair to be hurt, but i feel so much anger and hate towards a woman who has obviously tried to sort her life out.

OP posts:
ToffeeCaramel · 05/02/2015 19:43

We'd all feel anger at someone who made our kid suffer op. Completely normal reaction.

TeenAndTween · 05/02/2015 20:00

Ever since we have adopted we've gone round and round in circles regarding face to face contact, so I understand a bit how you feel.

There is an Adoption board here (under Becoming a Parent) which you may find helpful.

N0tmyn0rmalname · 06/02/2015 07:54

Thanks TEENANDTWEEN I'll ask for this to be moved.

OP posts:
RowanMumsnet · 06/02/2015 13:47

We've moved this to Adoption now at the OP's request. Best wishes to you OP and to your DS.

Italiangreyhound · 06/02/2015 14:42

N0tmyn0rmalname I am so sorry you are having to go through this. It must be very painful. I really hope the visits will be OK and your son will learn to detach any thoughts about her as 'Mummy'. If he has not already.

My son is adopted and he very rarely mentions his birth mum by name (first name) and seems to only have a vague understanding of what she might mean to him. I have no idea how I would cope if he saw her again.

I guess in my heart I do kind of hope when he is grown up he will meet her again. Just for him to know who she is. So although it is, understandably, very painful I hope your little boy will achieve the best from this meeting.

morethanpotatoprints · 06/02/2015 14:50


Don't forget what you have done and that you are his mum.
You have mothered him, done her job all this time and I agree with pp who says you re responsible for his ability to be excited at the prospect.

You are right to be worried, you want the best for him and that shows true commitment.
I can't imagine what you and he have been through since he came to you it must be such hard work at times.

I don't blame you for your feelings towards her neither, it must be hard to detach negative feelings when you know how she treated ds.

I suppose ss think it is the best for ds to have contact and as you acknowledge she must have sorted herself out.

Sending you Thanks and a hug, hope all goes as well as it can.

olliecollie · 06/02/2015 16:51

I also have sgo of my grandchildren they see their mum and it goes quite well.Although they see her more as a friend than anything else.
Their dad is trying for contact but I will never let it happen.
He sexually abused them as well as beat them starved them.Contact will not happen I don't care what any court says.
Hope it all goes well for you but if it doesn't you have the right to stop it if it's affecting your child in a negative way.
Thinking of you.

Devora · 06/02/2015 16:53

OP, like the others I am hugely sympathetic to how you feel.

dd's birth family have shown no interest in keeping up any kind of contact with her, and I feel very angry at them for this. But also, to be honest, it's easier for me that they're so out of the picture. Possibly not her, though.

These situations are always complicated and will never be easy. All best to you and I hope it goes as well as can be hoped for.

N0tmyn0rmalname · 06/02/2015 17:51

That you all so much, it helps just knowing that there are other people who have felt this way. I never thought i would as he doesn't know me as "mum" and never has, I'm already a family member and have always kept mum separate, with a photo album and things.

3 years is a very long time to leave him then come back.

OP posts:
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