Advice Please!

[blossom101001]

As most of you know I have adopted 2 boys and all has been pretty good (mostly)until now. It is the DS1s is coming up very soon and the DS2 is very jealous. I do not know what to do...We haven't over stressed the birthday or anything but a few presents from Australia have arrived for DS1. Now DS2 wants presents too. We have been told by SW that the DS2 always got more presents on the DS1's birthday than DS1 so now thinks he should get them too. DS2 was the preferred child in FC (was given the nickname little prince while DS1 was the little devil- this was said to them as well) and it has been very difficult to make DS1 and 2 more equal. This weekend DS2 has been deliberately hurting DS1 and telling lies about him (got away with this in FC home). We tried to give him special attention this weekend but nothing is working. He managed to get one of the gifts that arrived from Australia and deliberately break it.

I hope this makes sense!

What would you do?

How old are they?

How about buying him one present and show him (wrapped) and say that if he behaves nicely and doesn't break any more things and ... what ever simple short list you want. Then he will get his present on DS's birthday.

I'm not a big fan of bribery but it might work enough to break the cycle.

It is such a big change for him that you can kinda see where he's coming from.

Alternatively you can do a deal with him about taking him somewhere he really really likes if he does XYZ. Which gives him the benefit of positive attention and a target to aim for.

If you think he won;t manage to do either of these things then I would suggest you talk to DS1 about it if he is old enough to understand and explain that its not DS2's fault, that he has been trained to behave like this and you will do everything you can to minimise his impact on DS1's birthday and say you will replace anything he breaks. In fact I would also tell DS2 that you will replace the thing which he broke.

There could also be a natural consequence to being mean to DS1 which is not going to his party (or whatever he's doing for his birthday) I know that might be trickier to plan depending on what you're planning.

Am sorry and shocked this happened at fc' s. Is Ds2' s birthday a long time away? Could you mark both on calendar and explain it is special day for ds1 but he will get his too? Would involving him in special secrets help him e.g. making/ decorating cake? This would also give him attention and time. I would also talk to him about feeling jealous and try to help him deal with that (see Italian' s thread) but he needs to know, that breaking his brother's presents and being horrible to him are unacceptable and there will be consequences for that behaviour.

Ages are 6 and 4...

We have been working so hard to even out the one sidedness... I have got one present for him and he has helped choose a couple of things for his brother...e.g what to make for the cake! We are replacing the toy that has been broken, unfortunately it needs to be sent from Australia again. Koala singing and dancing.

I like the idea of taking him somewhere- might be a visit the farm next weekend.

DS2's birthday is a long way off, too long for a fur year old to wait that long.

Thanks for the advice everyone!

Lots of good advice here. I would just add that in order for DS2 to be able to "succeed" at changing this behaviour, he's going to need you to set things up to make it as easy as possible for him to do the right thing. By which I mean, you need to make it really really hard for the unwanted behaviour to happen - stick to DS2 like glue (but keep it positive), hide presents at a friend's house if necessary, supervise as much of the time the boys are together as humanly possible...just stay really close, which has the added benefit of more mummy time, and means you can re-direct behaviour early.

He is likely to be a very young 4 (guessing??) and even if he wasn't, his survival instinct here is to cling onto the favoured position of attention - so give him the attention and time anyway, but while you are, you can be gently guiding him about what's appropriate, showing him he doesn't need to fight quite so hard for you. It is neither easy nor quick, but sounds like you're doing all the right things.

Blossom just quickly looking and will read properly tomorrow but for the record dd (10) birth child, was very jealous of ds (4) adopted child on his birthday and also on his dedication day (like a Christening).

We limited how many gifts ds had altogether opening with dd present (and tried to get him to open some when dd was not around). We also go dd a brilliant gift for his birthday. When it was dd's birthday, ds also got gifts but was generally not so jealous.

Good luck. I will read up more.

I started a thread on jealousy and there are some good ideas there.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/adoptions/2279054-Jealousy