Not really sure if possible etc

[Justtoobad]

Hi, I'm a teacher and for a child I teach it has been ruled they are to not go back to their mother and to stay in long term foster. So i assume to then be adopted?
The child is 10.
I've been thinking about adopting the child.
My DH and I have discussed adoption and are both happy, I'd like an older child because we have a toddler.
But we have not pursed because I read they don't do it that way round - regards age.
But is it wrong also as I'm the teacher?
Am I barking up the tallest tree know to humankind?

Ummmm well it's a good impulse but...

He probably won't be adopted at his age. Not because he's not worth it or because nobody would want him, but because children who are older tend to have very strong family identities and adoption wouldn't necessarily meet their needs.
Also, assessment for adoption or fostering takes a long time, he's probably settled with whoever he is with.
Thirdly, you have nothing to indicate that you are any more suitable to foster him than his current carers, there is no incentive to assess you for this child. You have no family connection for example.

If you want to consider adoption that's great, but you are kind of barking up the wron tree with this boy.

Also fourthly they tend to avoid adoption out of birth order unless there is a strong reason to ignore it, ie you are the child's aunt for example.

I think it's a v v long shot. And of course caring for him in a pastoral role is very different from parenting him

If you really can't let the idea go, you could approach SS with the idea, but don't be surprised if they reject it immediately

It has happened that teachers have adopted a pupil of theirs. But usually younger - I remember reading

What will happen to this child now depends on what the plan is. If they've decided long term FC, there may be a very good reason, and as Ehric said, once children are 10+ they frequently have strong connections to their family, to the extent that adoption isn't going to meet their needs. Not always, I adopted a 10 year old, but often.

If the plan is long term FC, if he is currently living with carers who are happy to foster him till he ages out, then everything is probably settled now. If they haven't found long term carers for him yet, and if you are absolutely sure this is what you want and you've researched what long term FC means for everyone involved, then you could potentially ask about fostering him. They may well say no because of your toddler, but that would mean you could stop thinking about it and not wonder 'what if'.

sorry - remember reading a little girls story about her teacher adopting her when she was 5. She was surprised her teacher had a nice normal home like everyone else rather than having a den under her desk iirc

If you are keen would enquire about a possible residency order a special guardianship order. As apposed too fostering think these may and would be
more acceptable , also the new Fostering too Adopt scheme., which may fast track the fostering and adoption route
You must be prepared that fostering the child may only be a temporary solution for ss., and you will not at this moment be fully privy too the child's full history and circumstance's
Wish you luck. , sure your heart is in the right place.

Hi I'm pretty knowledgable about the child's background, father is dead, mother has court order to stay away etc.
foster carers are brilliant so if it's long term fc then they are rightly placed.
I'm not wishing to foster, just adopt as the child is special and special enough.
But I think I need to talk to a lot of agencies as the process is long etc.
Plus the order is not for adoption at the moment.
Thanks all

Suggest you approach and enquire with SS soonest, before any provisions are put in place. as too your interest in the child and your interest in offering secure permanency, think Fostering too Adopt would be acceptable
see www.first4Adoption.org.uk for details

Justtoobad I wish you all the best for this and that you will get the answers you need.

I also want to sound a bell of caution, taking a new child into your home, either adopting them or fostering them (but especially adopting them) could be very difficult for your birth child.

If you start down this route and then change your mind do not be afraid to say so. Do not assume you will not be considered because you are not related, you may well be considered.

The 'normal' way round of ensuring your birth child (if there is one), or other adopted child/ren already placed, are older than newly arriving children in the family is for valid reasons. It means that the probably more troubled (behaviour-wise etc etc) child is the younger one.

I know you know that children coming through the care system will have had difficult experiences, and may have behavioural issues. By being the younger child it means that hopefully those problems can be contained and helped more easily.

Also, the already placed/or birth child is more stable and settled and is older, so can in some ways can forgo the immediate attention young children need and have the benefits of being the older child. In that they get that extra time when little one has gone to bed etc to build that bond because little one demands time during the day.

By the younger one being the more stable and established one you may find they are squeezed out because they do not always need the immediate attention and they do not get the benefits of being the older one either.

By adopting a child much older than a birth or existing child there may be tensions (I am putting it mildly) between the needs of an older, troubled child and a birth child, who may feel a bit pushed out.

I am sorry if this is all very obvious but you did not mention this in your post.

I am an adopter with a birth mum, my kids are growing to love each other but there has been a lot of tension and jealousy. My birth dd is 10 and my adopted son, 4. To some extend I am a police woman with them, ensuring that they do not fight and argue. It is very stressful.

Just wanted to share this with you.

All the best.

I am not sure if what I said was clear.

By If you start down this route and then change your mind do not be afraid to say so. Do not assume you will not be considered because you are not related, you may well be considered.

I meant if you are considered and then feel it is not right to continue do opt out.

When I said By being the younger child it means that hopefully those problems can be contained and helped more easily. I am not sure if I was clear or not.

By helped I meant the newly placed child (if adopted in chronological order) would be the baby of the family, and allowances made for their behaviour if it were younger than their years (which is sometimes the case for children who come through the looked after system).

By contained I mean that the newly placed child is less likely to be violent to the existing child as thy are younger (or if they are violent then it is less likely to be threatening).

When I said of the older child if that child is the birth child - "In that they get that extra time when little one has gone to bed etc to build that bond because little one demands time during the day."

I meant 'In that they get that extra time when little one has gone to bed etc to build on that existing bond because little one demands time during the day.'

As in the existing older child needs to continue that bond they have with you already and it is easier done when the newly arrived child is not around (e.g. in bed). This would be very hard if the newly arrived child were the older one.

Just in my humble opinion.

Such great advice, I will speak to people - ss and agencies.
The child has no other family connection.
The difference in age will be 8 years.
Teaching the child and speaking regularly with foster carer doesn't suggest 'troubled' behaviour. No suggestion of the extreme abuse (don't wish to say more).
Such a lovely child.

Justtoobad it is great that the child has not had extreme abuse, of course, and it is always possible that his behaviour will be good but behaviour at school and at home can be very different.

Are you a single parent or with a partner? If you've got a partner how do they feel?

Just curious. Don't reply if you do not want to.

Please approach ss. The child won't be place for adoption because they are too old. La have cut off ages. Ours is 8 but that's unusually old. If the circs you describe are correct the plan will be long term fostering.
If their teacher wanted to adopt/care for one of my children Id be pretty curious. Says a burnt out fostering SW. Sigh

Beg too differ Wotsits have adopted 3 all over the age of 12. Know of many other too.

Fasparent - by placed I mean have a family actively sought to adopt them. Obviously it's legal and more than possible but not often planned/expected with older children in my experience though I think it should be different of course. Hope that made sense

Every permanency placement differs, planning frequently changes, what is deemed too be the best option's open in the child's interest will remain paramount.

I imagine all la are different I'll do phone calls in the morning, DH is on board, we are a good unit.
I think the child's age is against us but I need to talk to ss.
I do want to thank you all for being kind enough to allow me/DH to want to talk to the agencies.

Op it's not the age of the child more where they are in the process. In my la we do what's called family finding to match children to a permanent placement those these are sadly not guaranteed. If a permanent placement has not been identified they might consider a viability assessment on you and your family.
At least you will know you came forward. Good luck

The adoption process is long and intense.

The current guidelines are 2 months for stage one and 4 months for stage 2, at the end of stage two the full assessment will have been written (the PAR) and you will go to panel to be approved as adopters. Only then will possible matches begin to be explored properly even if they were identified right at the beginning.

Stage one is all paper work with the odd meeting thrown in, you also have to complete some prospective adopters prep training which in our LA runs over 3 full days.

Stage two is when things get more intense and you will be required to meet with your assessing social worker every week for 2-3 hours.

It is a huge under taking, please speak with someone about the realities of what you are considering and have a think about the impact it could have on your family unit.

Good luck

Justtoobad good luck for tomorrow, I hope the right thing will happen for all concerned.

I would imagine social services will ask you about a lot of things (not necessarily tomorrow but eventually) so they will ask about your existing child and any concerns about bringing a new child into the family. I am curious and you do not need to answer me but were you thinking about adoption before you met this child? Do you work full or part-time? And do you and your husband have plans for more birth children.

I hope my questions do not seem rude, and feel free not to answer but I would imagine social services would ask about all this and it would actually be worrying if they did not ask lots of personal questions.

As an adopter I got used to lots of personal questions but I know when you are new to it all it may seem strange.

Dependant on circumstances, child can be placed (fostering too adopt or such like) within the mediate future. One week from our experience. So on rare occasion's has been the best outcome.

Thanks for advice and knowledge, the time span is not on our side.
We have thought about adoption and wanted an older child but because we have a nearly 3 year old, all the stuff I read said it doesn't happen like that. I do not 100% want another birth child, DH would, but he's cool about it. But then I guess ss would disagree with this.
We work full time both DH earns good enough, we have a 4 bed house, two dogs and a cat, the usual.
I look at the child and think the child could be ours and we would give a good future and we could all be a family.
But I might feel that about another child of that age, but I doubt it, as we had wanted a three year older child rather than 7ish.
Sorry I'm rambling now.

Thanks, Justtoobad, just out of interest, and you do not need to answer, but why did you want an older child?

Also, have you thought when your younger child would get time alone with you if the new older child came to live with you?

By the way, feel free not to say but did you call ss today?