Advice needed - what to put in a reference for my sister?

[NedSchneebly]

My wonderful sister is applying to adopt a child, and has asked me to be e referee for her. Obviously I am delighted for her and really want to write a good reference, but I am not sure what I should put in it?

She is single, if that makes a difference, but has a good job, owns her own home, car etc.

I would be so grateful if anyone could suggest what I could write in it that would give my sister the best start in this process? I wI'll oboviously talk about her personality how amazing she would be at being a mum, and her brilliant relationship with my DS, but not sure what the SW team would expect to see in it, iyswim?

Many thanks!

Hi there,

you might be given a list of things to cover. If not, I'd try to write about her resilience (how she deals with difficulties) and about how she is with children. Whatever you write, it is much more effective if you give concrete examples of things you have witnessed, rather than generalised claims/statements. So rather than writing 'My sister is amazingly resilient' which doesn't really mean anything at all, you could write 'When my sister was struggling with x, I was impressed by how she ...' or 'I have watched my sister interact with my children who are n and m years old and she is very perceptive to their needs. For instance, ... . We have also had some in-depth discussions about parenting, and I admit to have learned things about adoptive parenting that wouldn't have occurred to me. For example, ...'

That kind of thing.

If your sister is interested in adopting from a particular background e.g. ethnic minority, certain special needs; then you could include examples of why you think that would be good. Does she have experience with that particular background etc.

Yes they are less interested in "stuff" like job, car, home and more interested in personality and experience. PARTICULARLY experience with children - so you should mention her relaiotnship with her children and whether she has looked after them much. (I didn;t look after my neices and nephews much so its not essentila but is helpful to point out her child experience as much as possible).

Also as 64x32x24 says resilience, determination and empathy all with relevant examples if you can think of any.

Thanks - that's really useful, a great place to start writing!

Her job is working with special needs children, so bags of experience to write about.

Any more ideas welcome!

It might help if you read up about attachment and as someone says above show that your sister has talked to you about how dealing with adopted children is different to birth chidren. (Your statement about her being perfect for adoption because she works with sn kids is missing the mark to a certain degree.)

To be fair PicaK, OP didn't actually say that she just said that her sister's job was working with special needs children so "bags of experience" to write about (in her reference). I assume she was refering to my "helpful to point out her child experience".

I have been a referee (and they now have a son so I guess I didn't totally hash it up!)

I've just had a look at what I wrote.

I was given topics to cover which made it a lot easier.

Things I have:-
How I knew them
How I would describe them
Their interaction with children - particularly mine.
Whether they can parent children to adulthood.
Support network.
Whether they would be able to work with (battle with!) agencies to get any help needed.
Whether they can create a safe and secure home.

To be honest I suspect the biggest thing was that it was pretty clear when the social worker came to visit that I was a highly neurotic mum of a very PFB who wouldn't let Mary Poppins (or my parents!) babysit but I did leave dd with them.

Pica, Kew's right - I'm not saying DSis would be great as an adoptive parent because of her job, just that she's got lots of experience that I can write about and refer to.

Really appreciate all your thoughts - thank you

(I am a single adopter btw)

Sorry I misunderstood. Having one of those days yesterday listening to people say oh you'll be a great adoptive mum cos (insert totally wrong reason). I projected - apologies

Ooh do tell PicaK - we will sooth your fevered brow

Were you particularly "marvellous" yesterday?

I got called "wonderful" a few months ago for adopting. Haven't been called that for a while - I've missed it.

No worries Pica - I probably didn't express myself clearly enough - I knew what I meant but didn't make it clear!

Hope irritating people haven't been annoying you today?