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Why don't they just get it?

22 replies

blossom101001 · 02/01/2015 00:54

My Dad and Mum have p**ed me off tonight. Please excuse the expletives. Here goes...My husband and I moved here 6 years ago from Australia and have just adopted. Everything went well over the holiday period with Christmas and Skype and broke the times up when we Skyped so it wouldn't be too much. Impressed with the family and how they handled that...

But tonight a different story. I am the worst person on earth because I am thinking of my kids instead of them. I know my father wont talk to me for months now and he hasn't given me a chance to explain. We would like to visit Australia but it is too soon for the big travel for the boys. I am looking at 2016 if they are ready...My parents are saying that is too long) We are going to stay at my MIL for a number of reasons- 1 being she is willing to pay for our tickets to visit, she isn't pushing us to visit, she has adopted and so gets the cocooning we will have to do or the different parenting style we will use. My parents are divorced and have a volatile relationship. If I decide to stay with one then we will HAVE to stay with the other. Therefore the boys will not only have to fly to Australia but will end up staying in three different houses. That is too much. Why can't I do what is best for my kids without the pressure from my parents and the made to feel guilty that I am doing so?

Sorry - I am just ranting...Needed to rant to someone who gets it.

Oh and the time it will take for us to get the passports for the boys is really nt excuse- so I have been told today!

OP posts:
Devora · 02/01/2015 01:15

Ouch, sounds like potential for lasting resentment here. Not many people who haven't adopted get it. Before I adopted, I didn't get it. And I guess your parents are very keen to see their new grandchildren? All you can do is to be kind and calm, of course, and insist right from the start on doing what is right for your children. But huge sympathies: I'm only a few hours away from yet another conversation in which my mum basically told me off for not having 'sorted out' dd's problems by now.

Kristingle · 02/01/2015 11:53

Why don't your parents come to the UK instead ? As long as they don't stay with you, that woudl be too much upheaval for the kids

And of course you need to put your kids needs first. Your parents sound very sell centered TBH

FamiliesShareGerms · 02/01/2015 12:11

Because if you haven't been close to adoption I think it's impossible to "get it". Even my well-meaning family and close friends still make comments like "is DD settled yet?" and dont understand why Pupil Premium Plus exists for "children who are over their difficult start" Hmm

blossom101001 · 02/01/2015 13:07

Families- that is true

Kris- My parents have always been self centred. Another example was when I was sick for 6-8 months and going through treatment they were getting a divorce. That is fine! But what happened- My Dad thinks because I wasn't there for him, I was supporting my Mum. My Mum thinks because I wasn't there for her, I was supporting my Dad. They have never forgiven me for that. I was sick in hospital most of the time or in bed recovering. They still don't get that. Never mind I have 2 other brothers and a sister.

Devora- That sounds like discussions I have had and will have with my parents...My Dad has said that a family of love will fix everything!

OP posts:
hotchocforme · 02/01/2015 17:01

Hi. Your parents do sound selfish. I haven't had anything to do with adoption yet but I do understand that your kids would struggle- it just takes a bit of empathy.

Somemothers · 02/01/2015 17:55

Tell them if they want to see the children next week that's fine just let you know what day and item THEY will be arriving at Heatheow

Kewcumber · 02/01/2015 18:27

Why can't I do what is best for my kids without the pressure from my parents and the made to feel guilty that I am doing so? because your parents are narcissistic arses. Not sure what the cure for that is except to accept that and know that your boys have to come first for now.

Kristingle · 02/01/2015 18:39

LOL at kew

Blossom - well that's ridiculous. You should have postponed your illness until aftre your paremts divorce, how thoughtless of you

AdventuringAbout · 02/01/2015 19:22

^ What Kew said ^

As I am rapidly discovering, people who have an expectation that you will provide emotional support to them all the time, have a very rude awakening after you adopt! They can end up revealing their selfishness, and their total failure to imagine why on earth you would put anyone's needs before theirs Hmm It is especially hard when this only shows up at a time when you could really have used their unquestioning support, like, er, during the total exhaustion of the early months of adopting!

It is rough on you in all sorts of ways, but you are of course dead right to keep putting your boys' needs first. It is really sad that you're being made to feel conflicted, but there really isn't a justifiable conflict here - you are doing the right thing for your sons, and people who are able to understand and support you are worth their weight in platinum. Take great care of yourself, and go gently.

blossom101001 · 02/01/2015 19:38

Thanks everyone. As I said I needed to vent...It was just frustrating! They have always been like it and I have always been the one to pick up piece or be the crutch...When I am not I am the worst person in the world.

Part of the reason I continue to live here. I enjoy not living near them.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 02/01/2015 20:41

I enjoy not living near them you see, there's always a silver lining

blossom101001 · 02/01/2015 22:19

So so true Kew, so so true!

OP posts:
haphazardbystarlight · 02/01/2015 23:40

Bit harsh? Isn't it better they ARE interested and want the children to stay even if it's misguided?

Italiangreyhound · 02/01/2015 23:48

They will not get it because it is not about them or anything they understand.

Agree with AdventuringAbout when they say.. It is rough on you in all sorts of ways, but you are of course dead right to keep putting your boys' needs first. It is really sad that you're being made to feel conflicted, but there really isn't a justifiable conflict here - you are doing the right thing for your sons, and people who are able to understand and support you are worth their weight in platinum. Take great care of yourself, and go gently..

Tell your parents that they can visit you, by agreement, be clear about whether they can stay or not, only you know how much room you have and whether or not that will work etc. Put the ball in their court.

When you go to visit family in Oz you will be based at your in laws because they are able to provide a stable one place base that you can use and from there others can come and see you etc etc if your in laws are happy with this. The alternative seems clearly that you would need to stay at at least two separate locations, which as you say would not be good for your kids.

My kids (birth dd, 10, and adopted ds, 4) just stayed at my in-laws this weekend for the first time, ds has been with us about 8 months. It is about an hour and a half away by car. He coped very well, but then he has settled in very well and we did not have to fly to another country on another continent!

It's totally up to you but I would not make the fact your in-laws are paying into a factor in your decision when talking to your parents (even if it is) and I would just be clear that you and your dh/dp think this will work best for your visit next year.

I am so sad for you that they have been so cruel and lack understanding for your illness, which sounds like a very serious one. If your father chooses to make this the point at which he does not to contact you I would (in light of their cruelty and lack of understanding about your illness) breath a sad sign and await his choice of contact if and when he chooses to make it.

In my personal opinion I would even write an email/a letter to the affect that although you were very sad about their reaction to your illness, you did not go no contact on them and you are baffled your dad would choose to go no contact on you for putting your children's needs first. But if your father has chosen this that is his choice and when he is ready to make contact again, you and Skype and your dh/dp and lovely kids are all there waiting to be contacted (well I would imagine you would be but maybe not, he is in danger of isolating himself isn't he!)

Then I would leave it. Because life is too short. Smile Enjoy your family.

Italiangreyhound · 02/01/2015 23:49

blossom didn't see your comment about choosing to live here but did wonder!

HerrenaHarridan · 02/01/2015 23:58

Blossom there is one big bright side...

They're in Australia, you can equal just ignore them. Don't call them, don't pick up their calls, don't feel guilty. Drop them a couple of line email with pic every couple of weeks, regardless of any response from them or questions asked. Here's us an dc at the park, here's us and dc etc etc make it about your family.

It IS about your family now.

Congratulations Smile

Bringonthesunshineplease · 03/01/2015 00:01

Like you our family is based down under and it can make for some difficulties. I feel that as they are not here and seeing day to day how life is and the reasons we need to put the needs of our children first given what they have already been through they can often be unaware of how unreasonable their own expectations are. As someone with parents who are not together after a very acrimonious divorce and who has been subjected to bitterness from both sides my suggestion is to not let it worry you as it will calm down with time and in the meantime just enjoy the family you have of this side of the world. Unfortunately in my own situation with a father who is so self centered, dishonest and manipulative, I decided a long time ago I no longer wanted him to be a part of my life unless it was under my terms. He was not willing to do this so 13 years on we have no contact and he has lost the chance to know his two most recent grandchildren. I hope your can find a positive way forward and it's good to get your frustrations and annoyance off your chest. Everyone here understands how you feel. I wanted to say big hugs, and fingers crossed it will be water under the bridge soon. FlowersFlowersFlowers

blossom101001 · 03/01/2015 00:08

Everyone is right...They don't get it because it isn't about them and they don't understand adoption. Both of them think they do because of the field of work they are in (nursing) and they think they know what is best.

You are right haphazard- they are interested which is good. Was worried there for a while.

I just wanted to rant...Rant over...Thank you for your support everyone!

If I was being a bit harsh I am sorry! But this isn't new...I should be used to it. Even SW said to be careful when going home as she could see issues with both of them when she interviewed them. Even told me they shouldn't stay when they visit.Everyone has been told if they visit they can't stay here. Dad hasn't got the message yet (well it hasn't sunk in) but everyone else understands.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 03/01/2015 00:39

I do not think you are harsh, after your illness I think you have every right to be aware of how they will react and want to protect your kids from that. Before I adopted I knew nothing at all about it. Mumsnet cured me of that!

Good luck.

haphazardbystarlight · 03/01/2015 00:52

Blossom I don't think you're harsh - I think you sound so nice :) but I do think some posts are harsh.

If my son or daughter had a grandchild, birth or adoption, I couldn't see much I'd obviously be so sad.

I get there's good reasons but I understand their pov!

Kewcumber · 03/01/2015 10:22

If my son or daughter had a grandchild, birth or adoption, I couldn't see much I'd obviously be so sad.

If my son or daughter had a grandchild, birth or adoption, I couldn't see much I'd get my arse on a plane and visit if that what was best for my child and their child. Not be playing passive aggressive games expecting them to fit in with me. ADopting is exhausting - the last thing you need is child-like parents "punishing" you with silence added to the mix.

Haphazardly - If your child had twins that were a few months old with additional needs - would you really behave like OP's parents?

Maybe I'm spoilt - my 67 yr old mother traveled to Kazakhstan in the winter having only completed cancer treatment a few months before rather than wait another 3 months to meet DS and miss his first birthday and to give me some support.

Tangerineandturquoise · 03/01/2015 12:15

I think you are doing the right thing for your boys AND I also think that doing the right thing may be standing up to your parents and standing your ground.
My experience is don't tackle this by email- tempting as it is. Call them or Skype and hold your ground! Tell them why- or send them the book Related By Adoption.

They are treating you the way they always have- but because you are now a mother you can't/wont let them do that any more and they are pushing, probably because they see pleasing them is not now your priority when push comes to shove, it's almost like a mini power struggle with them against your boys.

This is an incredibly emotional and stressful time for you, and they will play on that, these arguments are really hard and you do find yourself doubting what you say and do- but you are doing the right thing, and if you can hold your ground on this you may find it gets easier, either easier from the POV of their behaviour to easier for you to step away.

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