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Adoption

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Original poster

"Ambivalent" partner - is there any hope?

26 replies

CatOutOfHell · 31/12/2014 00:09

Hello - I've been reading this forum with interest over the last few weeks and I was hoping that someone might be able to help / point me in a useful direction!

To cut a very long story short, my partner and I are thinking about adoption but my partner is very uncertain about his feelings. Are there any blogs / books / films that anyone could recommend that maybe explore pre-adoption feelings further? In particular, he seems stuck on the biological angle and not wanting to parent "someone else's" child; I'm so sorry to express it that way as it sounds horrible but these are the things that he seems to be battling with.

We have tried a couple of documentaries and books but they are very much focused on what happens when the couple have already made the decision to adopt or knew it was the path they wanted to take.

I know there's no magic solution and that I have to accept that these feelings might be here to stay but,at the same time, I find it very hard to believe he's the only person to have had these feelings when considering adoption.

Anyway, sorry if this is garbled; it was harder to write that I expected. Many thanks if you've read it!

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 31/12/2014 00:37

Hi CatOutOfHell sorry you and our partner are struggling with this. There is a book called

Adopting After Infertility

I am not sure it is brilliant but it is a start.

To address a few of your concerns and concious that I may wildy offend readers here but.....

You do not parent someone else's child. They legally become your child, but of course they do (except in exceptional circumstances when birth parents have died) have other parents out there. In some circumstances you can maintain contact with them through letter box once a year.

For me the route to adoption went via donor eggs, so I got used to the idea first that my child would not be genetically linked to me, but they would biologically have come through my body, not the case for dad's of course. once I got used to this idea it was very easy to see that it did not mater what combination of DNA had made up my child.

I am a birth mum to a dd and an aunty to two boys. I love my nephews and although there is a genetic link with my sister and me and my sister and her kids if I had discovered that actually my nephews (or my own birth child) had been 'swapped at birth' I would love them just as much.

I love my friends' kids. I care about them and I sometimes look after them and give them as much care as my own. It is a massive leap from having a friend's kid stay over to adopting but for me it made me realise that all kids need love.

Lastly, I come from a long line of animal lovers. My gran, my dad and I are all cat crazy and before that we had a hamster we adored! They were not even the same species as us but we loved them and cared for them. I am not saying having a cat or a hamster is like adopting. Honestly 100% I am not. I am just saying that parenting is all part of loving and once you begin to love you find it grows.

But he is right to explore all this and work it through himself.

Apologies to anyone I have offended, but I wanted to be honest with the OP that all I have said here is true for me.

I have also heard of kids who cared more for pets than grandparents etc. I really did think about all the loving relationships in my life and I knew that DND played very little role in them.

All the best.

Original poster
CatOutOfHell · 31/12/2014 00:44

Thank you so much for replying and so quickly too!

You've actually mentioned a few things there that we've discussed: love for family members including non-blood family (in-laws) and friends and also adopted pets!
I'll have a look at that book too; thanks!

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 31/12/2014 00:55

I am trying to get out of the ironing!

I never use 'adopted' with pets, because you ultimately own a pet and not a person so I am not trying to say pets are like people but trust me that at times I thought my dad loved the cat more than us! Grin

Original poster
CatOutOfHell · 31/12/2014 10:35

Oops! Sorry for my faux-pas referring to adopted pets!

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 31/12/2014 11:00

Does he love you?

Because you're not genetically related to each other.

You can also discuss whether he would feel different about a child of different age eg very young child/baby vs an older child. Restricting yourself to a younger child may make things more difficult but it may allow him to explore the idea of having a child who has never lived with birth family.

Ultimately you are right - some people can probably never get past the genetic link maybe for them it really is that important. You don't say whether you already have children. But in my experience men often focus less on the nurturing side of parenting and more on the mechanics before they actually have any! It's easy to assume that people love their children because they "own" them (for want of a better word) genetically if thats the only model of family that you've experienced.

Good luck

haphazardbystarlight · 31/12/2014 11:01

Do you think what he's expressing is the disquiet of knowing that the birth parents are out there and that there is a strong possibility the child may seek them and build relationships with them in the future?

Kewcumber · 31/12/2014 11:02

Funnily enough I don't have a big beef with using "adopted" for having a family pet (though I don't use the term myself as I don't see the need for it - "having a pet seems fine to me). I think caring for a pet for their whole life as part of your family is pretty akin to adopting a child. DS would certainly consider our cats as a part of the family.

But don't get me started on paying money to "adopt" a snow leopard!

Original poster
CatOutOfHell · 31/12/2014 12:19

Thank you so much for these replies. Italiangreyhound - I often prefer my pets to humans...perhaps I shouldn't admit that.

Kewcumber, we don't have any children and we have been running the infertility gauntlet in recent years. We've talked about loving non-blood relatives and friends and that seemed to help for a bit but now he is questioning his desire to be a parent, full stop. I don't know if this is a normal part of the processing stage or whether it's something more final. Maybe I should bring that point up again though.

haphazardbystarlight - I'm not sure he's even thought that far ahead but it could be something on his mind. Something to discuss perhaps.

OP posts:
UnderTheNameOfSanders · 31/12/2014 19:27

Where does he see himself in 10, 15 years time?

My DH took time to get his head around the fact that the choice wasn't biological v adopted, it was between no children at all and adopted. About a year to 18 months.

But he got there and we were eventually placed with daughters then aged 2 and 8. Best thing we ever did, he says.

trafficjam · 31/12/2014 20:32

My dh also struggled on adoption to begin with. He was very anxious about nature / nurture and scared of parenting a child he wouldn't like.
We spent a lot of time talking about the practical side of parenting - where they would sleep, how we would parent, our wishes and hopes for our child, financial implications etc. This seemed to help him get a handle on his feelings of being more in control and feeling more ownership (if that's the right word) for our potential child. Now our boy has been with us for 6 months and he feels so right - I can't imagine a world where he isn't ours.

excitedmamma · 31/12/2014 22:53

My hubby has his own bc - both grown up now... this year our adoption was finalised for our 2 yo LO and he still can't believe the love he feels for her... he's in a different stage of his life... not the same pressures... he is now enjoying parenting for the first time in his life...

blood is not thicker than water... not in our house anyway...

Sounds like he needs to come to terms with a lot before you can look into adoption imho.... birth parents are a fact of life and come with the territory.... children will very often take their lead from you... and if they sense some 'uncomfortableness' with it......

I think a lot of the worries are normal... but need talking through before you dare to make any such call to an agency/LA.

Good luck

Original poster
CatOutOfHell · 01/01/2015 03:16

Thank you again - lots of useful food for thought here. I like the idea of discussing where we see ourselves at specific points in the future.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 01/01/2015 12:24

scared of parenting a child he wouldn't like

I suspect this is very common - it was my biggest fear, there wasn't really a way around it. I wanted to be a parent enough (did the 5-10-20 year thing and knew I didn't want to be still just me in 20 years time) that I felt the fear and did it anyway.

As it happens DS is really nothing like me (except that he too could talk fro England) and not only has that not been a problem, it has really opened me up to a whole new world of the greatness of little boys who are obsessed by sport! I have even been to an honest to goodness live football match and enjoyed it!

Kristingle · 02/01/2015 18:18

Could I point out, kew , that your son is very like you in other ways ?

You are both intelligent , thoughtful and kind and considerate of other people's feelings . As well as determined . Very determined .

And you know your own mind .

Original poster
CatOutOfHell · 07/02/2015 19:45

I just wanted to say thank you for the advice that was given on this thread. We've talked a lot and decided we're going to apply. I'm sure I will be plumbing this forum for tips and advice over the monthst I come! Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
CatOutOfHell · 07/02/2015 19:46

Or maybe even months to come. (Will I never learn to preview...)

OP posts:
KristinaM · 07/02/2015 21:03

That's great news !

Look forward to hearing how it goes

Kewcumber · 07/02/2015 22:51

Congratulations Cat it is a very exciting stage. Being fearful is very normal and it will come back again but being able to talk to others in the same boat does really help.

(BTW Kristina, I did read your earlier post but was too bashful to think of a reply that didn't just say "g'wan with ye, ye big jessie")

Italiangreyhound · 09/02/2015 00:20

Great news cat. Grin

disneygirl10 · 10/02/2015 16:47

I have to admit I was terrified I wouldn't love adopted ds as much as I love my birth dd, but 2 1/2 year later I love ds just as much as dd. I am probably I lot more protective of him.

The where do you see yourself in 10 years time is a great questions to ask him.
Showing him this thread and posts on this board might help him feel that he is not alone. Good luck

Original poster
CatOutOfHell · 10/02/2015 21:44

Thank you all. We're meeting our social worker soon. I imagine we'll be having similar conversations with him/her? It sounds like they quiz you on pretty much everything!

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 10/02/2015 22:05

Oh yes gear yourself up for the "sex talk" though obviously not at the forst meeting.

Did everyone get the sex talk or what it just me?

KristinaM · 10/02/2015 22:16

No it was just you .

Or I am obviously such an old bag they're didn't think it was necessary

Kewcumber · 10/02/2015 22:27

Oh it was particularly baffling as I was having no sex at all at the time (single and two weeks before travelling to Kaz).

Did I mention I have a date on Thursday?

KristinaM · 11/02/2015 05:09

A date ?