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unable to relax and enjoy

8 replies

kmarie100 · 13/12/2014 20:07

Hi all, am I the only one? I find myself questioning myself...Did I do that right? Why did I do that? How am I feeling about LO? And analysing my LO's behaviour all the time. I wish I could just relax and enjoy it. I love her to bits and I feel this is holding us back.

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ROARmeow · 13/12/2014 20:30

You're not the only one!

You're trying to be the best parent you can be, which shows how much you care.

I have 2 birth DC, non adopted, and I feel the exact same!

What age is your DC? How long have they been with you?

You're doing great.

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kmarie100 · 13/12/2014 20:40

That's the thing, I have birth children and adopted DD and I question myself and her MUCH more with than I did/do with my birth kids.

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64x32x24 · 13/12/2014 23:38

Hi,

I have BC and AC too. With AC I sometimes second-guess myself more than with BC, sometimes less.

More relaxed about some things because I have a lot more experience with children now than when I had my first. So can see things in perspective, allow AC to do things in their own time without worrying about things, etc.
On the other hand friends tell me I tend to over-analyse things regarding AC and remind me that not everything is necessarily (directly) related to AC's early experiences, or the fact of their adoption.

But it's hard isn't it? BC used to be very, very clingy, needing lots of attention; which made certain things hard (e.g. getting stuff done during the day) or unpleasant/pointless (e.g. going to a playgroup - I can sit on the floor playing with my child at home too). AC is comparatively 'easy' - happy to sit and watch, to play by themselves, to explore new toys by themselves at playgroup, and such. So... too easy? Do I enjoy the relative easiness, get stuff done, talk to other mums? (When I do, I feel guilty.) Or do I suspect attachment 'issues' and take action, increase my focus on activities that help attachment, keep AC close? (When I do that, I wonder if I am falsely attributing what is in fact normal character variation, to the adoption background; creating an issue where there is none?) Or is it something in between: Yes, attachment not as good as could be yet, but that is not a sign of 'issues' but merely an effect of relatively early days? Give it time, watch and see?
Could run around in circles forever!

I don't really have a solution, apart from easy to say, hard to do advice such as 'find your zen', be mindful, ... but I can say that I find it to have become easier, as time has passed. We are all settling into our new family life and with that, the fact of AC's adoption is becoming, hm, not forgotten or less important or meaningless, but, how to say... It is becoming our version of 'normal', I think. And that helps.

Good luck to you - I hope 'talking' about things helps a little!

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Whatutalkinboutwillis · 14/12/2014 09:20

I can so relate to this. For a long time I worried about any off behaviour being due to the fact he was adopted then I reminded myself he is 3 and will have tantrums just like my older ds did.

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Kazza299 · 14/12/2014 13:03

We are having our boys move in end of January and I'm already worrying about this sort of thing and worrying about worrying and they are not even here!

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Jameme · 14/12/2014 19:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Buster510 · 15/12/2014 10:43

I still get like this over a year in with DS. I am able to enjoy our time now, but if any 'event' happens I am always over analysing it - could it be because of this, could it be because of that.. etc. In time it does ease and you're able to enjoy them, but I'm not sure if that 'part' of it ever goes completely. Maybe a more experienced adopter can advise! :)

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Kitsandkids · 15/12/2014 11:45

I feel a bit like this with my FC who have lived with me for 6 months now. I feel constantly 'on edge' and worry that I'm not enjoying the here and now with them as I should be. Even things like waking them up in the morning for school I get a bit stressed about as I constantly question how the morning will go and worry that I'll get cross with them for not getting dressed quickly enough etc. If we go and visit someone I'm terrified they'll misbehave and have to have a firm idea of what they'll be doing at the house. I can't just relax and see what happens! They are actually very well behaved on the whole but have their moments - like all 5 and 6 year olds!

I don't have any BC but I have had lots of experience with nephews and nieces and I never felt this stressed when taking care of them.

It is gradually getting better. I can remember being terrified at the beginning of the summer holidays because I had to get through 6 weeks of us being constantly together and I just didn't know what to do with them. I felt that I had to keep them constantly occupied. We got through it though and, I hope, they had a nice time. I am learning now that they don't have to be doing a planned activity all of the time, and that if I leave them to play while I do the washing up they will survive!