friends who don't understand

[lookingforsunshine]

Hi,

Advice needed please!! A baby is about to move in with us, plan being that we will hopefully be able to adopt her. DP text one of his friends the news. He replied "Great, what happened to the parents?". What's the best response? Obviously we don't plan on sharing anything. No one else has asked this, most realise its not appropriate. What to say? Thanks.

Either a generic 'sadly, they are unable to care for her' maybe or just a clear 'I'm sorry but we are unable to discuss that for confidentiality reasons'
Probably the second one as that should stop any further questions.

I have a fair bit of experience of adoption in my family. I find the best response to be "that's her information". Said with a smile. People tend to move on swiftly.

Would a "That's not really the point, but thanks for being happy for us." do the trick?

People occasionally ask me "if I know her history", clearly hoping I will suddenly tell all like it's some juicy story for their entertainment. On a good day, I say "I am holding some information safe for her later on, but obviously that's confidential because it is her story, not mine." On a bad day, I am much ruder

Depending on how your dh feels about this friend he could reply with:

• thanks mate (pointedly ignoring the question)
• sorry mate, not allowed to tell you that.
• Fuck off, nosey! Wouldn't tell you if I could.
• That's private.

I would just ignore the question.

I don't think he means any harm by it.

I would say, "The social workers have made it clear we cannot share that kind of information, in the interest of confidentiality."

Then, if it were me, I might say "We've seen her photo and she is adorable....or.. we've heard all about her and just can't wait."

Congratulations.

I would just ignore it as per Haffs first suggestion above. probsbly just a very lazy response from friend who didn't know what else to put, especially if you adopting is a bit of a surprise! If he pushes in the future maybe upgrade your response to one of the 'it's not your business/we can't tell' type messages.

Thanks everyone. Excellent suggestions. Thanks everyone.

Or the age old "why do you ask"?

Fuck off, nosey! Wouldn't tell you if I could.

Ha ha ha ha that would be me this week!

Sorry DONT KNOW !!

I've always gone down the education route, so 'sadly, they are unable to care for her' as per Smartie or generic reasons such as 'well children go into care for lots of reasons, sometimes neglect, sometimes drugs and alcohol issues, sometimes babies are relinquished, etc'

Before I read it on MN, I had absolutely no idea whatsoever that this kind of info was considered so confidential. I would have considered myself pretty rude not to have shown some interest by asking a general question about the child's background. And I'm normally considered pretty socially adept (I think!) and don't often put my foot in it. I just think if you haven't had anything to do with adoption, then you may really, truly not realise that this is an inappropriate question.. The best response to me if I'd asked a question like that would have been to explain why people tend not to share this kind of info. I would have been very interested in understanding the issues and would never ask again.

YY neolara

Would never have occurred to me not to ask this before coming on here and I'd have thought it was perhaps expected that one would ask. Just as well I'd been indoctrinated by MN before I knew anyone who had adopted

Totally agree with pp that this is an innocent question so don't make him feel like shit.

The friend's probably just showing polite interest, believe it or not.

Not everyone has indepth knowledge of social services and the adoption process, and hardly anyone has any idea of the level of wreckage they sometimes deal with that means hushed whispers are in order.

Just ignore him.

I have been asked many times the same thing. I don't get annoyed. People ask because they really are ignorant to these things. just make sure you have some one liners; dependent on the question, how you feel or how it was asked (and if they were pushy and won't take no for an answer).