Considering adoption

[GoldenGoat]

Hi all,

My partner and I are at that stage of considering starting a family. One thing that keeps coming is up is whether we should adopt. I'm adopted (within my own family) and I constantly think of how lucky I was that there was somebody there that could take my siblings and I on when our mum couldn't care for us. Our childhood wasn't exactly perfect but it could have been worse.

DP and I don't know if we can have kids or not yet, we haven't tried but would like to have kids in the near future.

I guess my question really is would it go against us if we don't have our own kids but may be able to when applying for adoption? Would social workers be concerned about us conceiving naturally while going through the adoption process and then pulling out? Of course it is a risk but I think that if we commit to trying adoption, we would commit fully and stick with contraception.

Because of my own upbringing, I'd like to give a home to a child who doesn't have that family option and I think I'd be able to really help a child to deal with their own difficult past because of my own.

Also, I am not close to my family and very rarely see them. My DP's parents died a couple of years ago but he is close to his siblings although they live about 50 miles away. We don't have any local support network. Would this go against us in an application?

Thanks in advance

Hi and welcome

It's fine to come to adoption for different reasons than infertility. Some couples who could conceive, choose to adopt instead, and are very happy with that decision. My situation was slightly different as I was single, however as far as I know, I was able to conceive, I just didn't want to go that route. However, you need to be prepared for a few things

• Firstly, that you really need to be certain that you absolutely want to adopt over having birth children. If you know you want both, have birth children first (for a number of reasons). It's okay if you need a while to think about it, and figure out what you really want, but as far as social services are concerned, and for the sake of the children waiting for adoption, you need to be very commited to adoption in order to be assessed for it. No one wants a situation where an adoptive child comes home and then the parents find themselves really struggling with their decision and thinking that actually they really want a birth child.

• You will talk about this decision quite a bit with your SW. They want to understand exactly why you're going this route, and to be satisfied that you are very much on board with adoption over having birth children. You have no guaruntee that your adopted child would be able to cope with another new child in the family, so sometimes the first child ends up being the only child. So if that were to be the case, they want to be satisfied that you would be comfortable with that and not regretting your decisions.

• Part of being committed to adoption means you do need to be using contraception. You may find that many adoption teams are basically the sex police They do expect you to use reliable contraception. You can't do 2 things at once, if you are trying for a birth child, or 'allowing' it to happen, then you aren't ready to adopt at this time.

However, if you're comfortable with adoption over birth children, committed to adopting, using contraception, and can explain your decision, then it should be fine. There are quite a few fertile couples who choose adoption, and you won't be the first or the second your agency has approved and placed with children

Family don't need to be in your support network, but you do need to have support. Friends are totally valid support networks. After adoption, you also end up changing your support network naturally. But before adoption, you need to be showing that you have people around you that are emotional supports to you, that can be listening ears when needed or supportive in any other way. As well as friends, if you attend any groups or religious meetings or go to anything where there are supportive people, that counts. If even any 1 person can occasionally do practical things to help, or be there in an emergency, so much the better. Supportive siblings is great, and it's fine if they live 50 miles away.

Hope that helps!

We are in your position in that we may or may not be able to have birth children but came to adoption because we wanted to make a difference. We go to matching panel in a few weeks and hope to bring our children home before christmas so it absolutely can happen. We did not face any difficulties in the process because of our situation- our SW saw the ' altruistic nature' (her words) in what we wanted to do. We were asked to use contraception more than once and of course we were asked about how we saw things in the future but it was never an issue so don't let that hold you back x x

Thanks for the detailed reply Lilka. The support networks is one element we know we need to work on and are trying to get involved in local life more.

Kazza, good to know somebody else has done similar. Good luck with bringing your children home for Christmas, sounds like the perfect time to have a new family