Just found out that my birth mother recently died

[mintysmum]

I feel so sad. I had contact with her 15 years ago but my memories of our meetings are sketchy and I was in the process of reinstating contact.

I found out today that she died recently and I feel so upset that I have left it too late.

After finding out I went to see my mum who gave me a big hug.

I will now never find my birth father. Or have any health information to pass to my children. I don't know why I'm posting this really or whether it's relevant on this topic as this seems more parenting based really but I feel quite lost.

mintysmum I am so sorry for you.

Please do not be too hard on yourself that you have '...left it too late' and things worked out the way they did. I would imagine it is very hard to manage to start up and continue contact and so please don't brew too long over wishing you had had more time etc. It is a hugely important relationship and I am not meaning to minimise it. I just feel it is not necessarily the case that given more time with your birth mum she would have revealed facts about your birth father etc, if that makes sense. You just do not know how it would have worked out.

Please do find those people around you who can help you work through your grief, perhaps some grief counselling if you think it will help. It might also help you to remember things about your birth mum and you may find some way to process this in your own life.

Thank you for posting. I am a mum to a little boy who joined our family by adoption and if he ever asks about finding his birth mum and dad I will really encourage him to do so.

Thanks Italiangrey. You're right about how it might not have made any difference to have more time, I hadn't thought of that but you're right. My contact with her had been minimal because she was not a straightforward person and her story (involving me and other babies she had) was complex. I actually wasn't going to find out more about my birth father, ever, but I was going to keep getting my hopes up every time we met and then be upset all over again. So maybe I have to draw a line and accept that.

My mum and dad are super and have been so supportive of my long search but also very good at being in the background which has helped me. It does feel weird to be searching for BP when you love your own parents so much.

I can't get my head round this whole adoption thing - my mum says they were lucky to get me but surely they were terribly unlucky to not be able to conceive a baby themselves. I feel so amazingly lucky to have them as parents but then surely I'm pretty unlucky to have had such an awful start in life. I don't understand it all really. I just feel torn up about it all after yesterday's news.

Hi Minty, you said "It does feel weird to be searching for BP when you love your own parents so much." It sounds about right to me, in you had wonderful parents but your birth mum (dad) were parts of your life you wanted to know about.

And I can't get my head round this whole adoption thing - my mum says they were lucky to get me but surely they were terribly unlucky to not be able to conceive a baby themselves. I feel so amazingly lucky to have them as parents but then surely I'm pretty unlucky to have had such an awful start in life. I don't understand it all really. I just feel torn up about it all after yesterday's news.

Well, yes and yes, and yes, and yes. It is unlucky to be unable to conceive/ carry a pregnancy for a first (or in my case a second time) or whenever. But those of us who have adopted would also say we were 'lucky' (probably) to adopt he lovely child we are now parenting (and I am sure your parents feel this way).

Likewise it is horrible for you that you lost your birth family, but as that did happen it is good that a new mum and dad were able to provide you with the love you needed. In one sense it's just the way life is, out of one sorrow sometimes comes a different joy. It does wipe away the first sorrow, but it is in itself a totally new joy.

I lost a tiny embryo the size of a grain of rice, not even the size of a baked bean (probably) at an early stage. I felt terrible sorry to lose 'it' and even named it. I would not now swap it or the child it would have become for my son, (who is 4) and who is currently driving me nuts running around in his yellow under pants and playing games with our daughter (who is 10). He is a whole new joy. And his life had quite a hard start, and I feel for his birth parents who will not experience the joy of bringing him up. but that is not his fault or mine, and maybe one level not even their fault. It is what it is. I can only make the best of it for him, and do whatever I can (letterbox) for them. And when he asks if he should meet them I will say 'Son, it is totally your choice but if you want my thoughts I will give them.' And my thoughts would be to meet up.

You did all that.

And I do agree you must draw a line under it now, in time, when you can, and enjoy your parents who i am sure think you are wonderful ray of right in their lives, and which, I am sure, you are.

I put the order of your parents then you because that is the order you chose. I actually I would start with you if I were telling it, if that makes sense.

Sorry, a typo.

It does NOT wipe away the first sorrow, but it is in itself a totally new joy.

Thank you for all that. I'll read it again but you're right Italian.

I feel terrible being so upset because I am very glad that my BM didn't bring me up. That's a dreadful thing to say now that she's dead. Or anytime. But it's how I feel. Life might have been ok and I might have grown from adversity but equally I could have felt neglected, unloved and my basic and more complex needs might not have been met. That's the reality so I'm glad that it all worked as it did.

But that's a burden in itself that feeling of guilt that you had a good escape. I think that was why I was so glad my parents kept in the background while I was searching - I needed to protect myself from complex feelings of guilt about BM and I couldn't have handled other people being too interested or over-involved if that makes sense. When my DH came along and dipped into my contact with BM he could never really understand why I wasn't more involved, more in contact or more thorough in my contacts. He often said my flaky, detached sort of style of contact withBM was so at odds with my open, natural warm style with my parents. And he's right because i was free to be myself with my parents but always on guard and preparing to feel upset after any contact with BM.
My lovely brother (who has different BP) has not searched and I support him in that, never encourage him to search. Because I'm not sure how well he'd handle any guilt or the other complex emotions so I just leave it to him. He knows I'll help if he wants it but equally no pressure.

I keep crying today about my BM dying and I think it's just sadness about her life and the impossibly hard situation she was dealt in life. I can't imagine giving away a baby and she did it more than once.
It's lovely you have a son through adoption, adoptive parents are pretty special people in my experience.

Minty -I'm sorry for your loss. It's ok to take time to grieve and it's ok to feel mixed up

Grieving for your birth mum doesn't take anything away from the love you have for your mum and dad.

And it's the loss of hope, for how things might have been better between you in the future , and that she might have given you information about your biological father. And now that's gone . It's very sad.

It sounds like you were very understanding and forgiving of your birth mum, despite her problems. You are obviously a person with a big heart .

Minty it sounds like you are very in touch with your feelings and that is a good thing. But it can make life seem tough, quite raw and exposed.

I think adopted kids are pretty special too.