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Original poster

Who did you choose for your three references and why?

12 replies

Nancery · 23/10/2014 22:16

As I asked in the question really. I can think of various people who could be great but wondered why adopters opted for the people they chose - it may help me work out who I would ask!
Thank you!

OP posts:
dimples76 · 23/10/2014 22:46

I was asked for six referees - 3 family and 3 non family. So I chose my Mum and one of my sisters (as they are who I am most close to and expect to rely on them for support the most), my Dad (because he's my no.1 fan and he wanted to be involved). My first choice of friend referee was easy - my best friend who I've known all my life, she has 3 children and I am godmother to her eldest. My other choices were harder as most of my close friends do not live nearby and my student sw wanted to interview them all face to face. I felt it was important to evidence my strong local support network so I chose two local friends who have children.

I did find it a bit stressful and I had a couple of friends who were a bit put out I hadn't asked them but I think they understand now.

Good luck!

64x32x24 · 23/10/2014 23:38

We had three and one of them had to be family. We considered things like availability for face-to-face meeting, how long/well they know us, can they speak about how we are with children, are they part of our local support network, and if they are more from DP's side or more from my side. Obviously everyone we chose had to tick several of those boxes. But in the end we had someone from DP's side (who knows DP better and me less); someone from my side (who knows me better); two out of three who were readily available for interview; one who is local/part of our local support network; all three can say something about how we are with children; two out of three have known us both for decades (one more recent).

This had all bases covered and SW was happy.

dreamcometrue · 24/10/2014 16:05

We had to give 4 so we gave dh's mum (He's nc with father) my dad (but really it was joint with my mom as she did lots of talking) my oldest friend who has a child and dh's friend who he's godfather to their son.
We chose them because they knew us well both singularly and as a couple.

Original poster
Nancery · 24/10/2014 16:10

Shite, they have to be local ? None of my possibles are local! I moved here, where my family are close, three years ago but before that was in London. The friends I would choose I know from when I lived in London, met 15 years ago, but are now scattered around the country!

OP posts:
OneTooFew · 24/10/2014 16:25

No, they don't have to be local but they have to be available for face to face interview usually.
One of mine (my sister) lives in another country. S/W said she'll either phone interview her if s/w manager oks that, or else my sis will have to come and visit me.

ck72 · 24/10/2014 18:36

We had three - One had to be family so we chose my SIL (well brothers partner) as they have three kids that we regularly care for so we thought that was a good idea. Then the sw suggested splitting the other two to people who had known each of us individually so we chose DP's best friend and his wife (also parents) as he had known DP and lived with him after college. Finally we chose a close friend of mine who I had worked with years ago, but stayed firm friends with. She not only knows me week bit also knows my family and has spent many family occasions with us as her family live abroad. With our selection we had one referee local (ish) to the LA we are using, one a little way away, and one on the other side of the country... SW phoned that one lol!

UnderTheNameOfSanders · 25/10/2014 20:50

Our SWs wanted

  • someone who had known me a long time
  • someone who had known DH a long time
  • someone who knows us as a couple
  • someone who had seen us interact with children

If your refs are not localish you may need to arrange for one to visit you so they can be interviewed.

TheFamilyJammies · 26/10/2014 07:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Italiangreyhound · 26/10/2014 12:24

Nancery we needed six, two could be family. We picked my sister, as she has kids (who we have looked after) and she has looked after our dd. We chose my FIL because neither of my parents could have done it (my father being deceased and my mother having dementia)) and also it suited us to have one person from each side of the family.

We chose 4 local friends who had mostly known us as a couple for a period of about 8 years. One person had not known us for so long but knew DH quite well (there were a lot of people who knew me, the extrovert, but fewer people who knew my dh).

Good luck.

meanwindwanders · 26/10/2014 17:41

Ummmm ... What if you have NO suitable family member?

krasnayakoshka · 26/10/2014 18:27

we went for 4 in the end:

  • 2 sets of friends whose children we are trusted to look after Wink
  • my brother who has no kids
  • a friend who is a teacher but has no kids
Italiangreyhound · 26/10/2014 19:24

meanwindwanders they did not say two had to be family members, they said two could be family members. If I had no suitable family members I would have chosen all friends. The idea with any referees is that they know you and can give a an honest opinion of you as a couple/person (if adopting as a single person) and your potential as a parent (IMHO). So people whose kids you have looked after, or people who have spent time around you and kids, will have have a better idea than those who do not (IMHO). So I think a mixture of friends, but to include those with kids, those who have seen you with kids, those who have known you a long time, those you see often, and also people who will be part of your support network etc.

I should add they asked for written responses to only 4 of my referees (2 were not contacted) and interviewed only 3 of my referees in person. My sister lives quite far away (about two and a half hours away) and felt they would not interview her, but our super social worker visited her on while on holiday!

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