Difference in parenting an adopted baby?

[HopefulDadToBe]

I've read that the parenting techniques for adopted children/babies is far different to that of a child who's never been in the care system. As a newbie, can you please explain from your experiences how true is this? Also, is this still true to a baby who may have no recollection of their past? (I understand trauma could have happened from him/her being separated from his/her BM and FC).

Fascinated to learn all these new things!

Thanks

Others more expert than I will be able to share more, but yes, parenting in a way that's slightly adapted to recognise children may not have the same foundation stones of early positive interactions with birth parents. Your agency/LA will hopefully give you much more detail, and many run courses too. A well-respected expert in this field is Dan Hughes, and a related resource website is this one:ddpnetwork.org/about-ddp/dyadic-developmental-parenting/

I find I definitely do a lot of "nod and smile" at parenting suggestions from non-adopters, because despite their lovely intentions, they're starting from the wrong set of assumptions. For example, "time out" can be a disaster for children who have experienced abandonment, or emotional neglect - the exclusion of time out can trigger those memories and cause the behaviour to increase, rather than calm down. You don't need to make massive adjustments though - we do "Time Together" where we sit quietly side by side, holding hands, and I talk about why we're taking a moment to step out of the behaviour. Then there are the usual bits of saying sorry, having a cuddle, and if appropriate, some form of consequence such as helping me to clean up any mess caused.

I didn't find that many differences when my adopted daughter was still very young (she came to us at 10 months), but as she grows older it's increasingly evident that she needs a different kind of parenting from my birth child. She needs help dealing with intense feelings of distress at the loss of her birth family (yes, even though she never knew them and is only just 5 - she comes to us in tears saying things like, "I just want to go home"). She cannot sleep alone, or be left alone, or even go to the bathroom on her own. She needs a lot of help managing frustration and aggression.

I think it's really important to understand the significant of infant trauma. If a child is traumatised before they can talk, they cannot properly remember, but that doesn't mean there is no impact. I recently had a session with a post-adoption therapist who assured me that the behaviours I am seeing in my daughter are far from uncommon in children with her life story: it could be exposure in utero, or early loss of birth family, or the adoption experience. My dd had no primary caregiver for her first 6 weeks, and he said that too can have a lasting impact - it's observed in children who spent a long time in neonatal intensive care, for example.

What I'd also say, though, is that parenting an adopted child is not always different from parenting a biological child - but it sometimes feels just parenting to the power of ten. There's an intensity about it, as though all the usual worries, joys, concerns are maxed. So not for the faint-hearted, but still very much parenting and hugely rewarding.

I don't think that adoptive parenting is "far different" to bio parenting. I think (am a bit biased!) that its actually the best version of bio parenting that many parents practice anyway. You are pretty much forced into it if you are mindful of how your child reacts to some of the more "traditional" parenting tools.

Like Devora my DS was adopted pretty young (13 months) and certainly apart from specific issues around feeding and sleeping I doubt it was much different to parenting any other child - or at least how I would have parented any other child. To my shame I did allow myself to ignore some signs that things were not 100% right and listened to the "oh all children do that" around separation anxiety and wish I had paid more attention at the time.

Basically certain parenting tools tend not to work (and in fact in our case make the situation escalate) like time out. So you learn to be calm and inclusive and you make a conscious effort to nurture and build resilience and self-esteem. So like I said - best parenting rather than adoptive parenting.

I read a very moving article quite recently by a father one of whose children had died and what the experience had taught him about parenting his children generally. He had decided that parenting as if there was a chance your child would die within 12 months had resulted in him choosing a better parenting road - disciplining still because you still believe your child will grow up and live a long life and so they need to learn all the behaviours that society expects but doing in a kindly and mindful way rather than thoughlessly and aggressively. So less lashing out and punishing because your child has driven you insane, more mindful intervention. Does that make sense?

In our case the difference in DS's behaviour if I get it right is quite marked.

Anyway I only probably manage this 80% of the time so I'm still working on perfecting my parenting skills myself and not really in any position to preach about it!

Ah Kew, how lovely. Very inspiring and such a lovely way to see it. Thanks so much.