NEW TO (THE IDEA OF) ADOPTION - Feeling overwhelmed...

[HopefulDadToBe]

So I'll try and keep this short..
Me and my husband (same sex couple) have toyed with both adoption and surrogacy for a couple of years and recently (4 months ago) decided on surrogacy first, after reading up on both adoption & surrogacy. We've only been inseminating for 3 months so it's not been ages, however I'm feeling like a let down. I will be the bio dad, and for some reason it's not working, I feel like I'm failing to do my part. Both the surrogate and I are both young, fertility shouldn't be a problem for either of us.

I've been speaking to a friend online who has an adopted son, the process was pretty good for them and not too traumatic. I'm just 1) worried about upsetting our lovely surrogate 2) ending up spending a lot of money on a process where we may never have our child. I wouldn't want to try surrogacy again if this doesn't work, she's too sweet and we couldn't cope emotionally.

I would really like to know how you found your adoption process and what you think a couple relatively new to adoption should know... Both good or bad. E.g. what they ask, how intrusive are they and how traumatic is the process.

ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE EITHER A SAME SEX COUPLE OR IN WEST SUSSEX.

Money is okay, we're not rich but we have absolutely no debt, but have savings. Dogs may be an issue as we have 2 very small dogs who haven't been exposed to children, so they're unsure of them. They'd never hurt a child but they may growl.

Bedrooms may be a problem as we have a lovely home, but it's only got one bedroom. We would move to make this possible though.

Please mention anything you can think of, that might help

Thanks in advance! xx

First of all - 3 months is nothing! So try to chill out and keep going (easier said than done). I would certainly get some basic tests done if it's still not working after 6 months but with my fertility hat on I would say there is nothing to be concerned about yet. I don't understand why you might spend a lot of money if it doesn't work but I haven't tried surrogacy so what do I know?!

Adoption isn't for the faint hearted and I generally recommend to people that they're sure they're done with trying for bio children before moving onto adoption.

The approval can go well or more challengingly, matching can go quickly or very slowly, children can appear to have no problems but develop problems later and of course with every child you are missing a time in their life that you can never fill in for them. It can also be wonderful and fulfilling and certainly is the best thing that ever happened to me. But pregnancy and birth on average is easier and more straightfroward than adopting.

Practically:

1 - not rich - no problem not many of us are!
2 - dogs - not necessarily a problem. Depends on social worker and dogs and children. Basically you need to be prepared to consider rehomed the dogs if there is any issue between dogs and children and be prepared to say so openly and honestly and not pussyfoot around saying things like "oh we'd try to work it out between them". Social workers will be looking for people who will put these children first 100% in a heartbeat not treating the pets on a level footing.
3 - one bedroom - problem. You will need to sort this out though you might get away with staying put for stage 1, certainly before matching you would need the extra bedroom, you have no chance of being matched otherwise.
4 - west sussex - I have acquaintances who tried adoption through west sussex (who subcontracted to PACT) and I have to say it didn't go well and they gave up. However this was really some time ago. You can meet them and perhaps go to an open evening and suss them out. If you don't like them you can approach other authorities, they're not stuck with the one you live in.

Good luck

I can't add much to what Kew says!

But basically, be very sure when you close the door on fertility treatment because sometimes the desire for a genetic link to your child can be strong. I have a birth dd and adopted ds and had treatment with donor eggs in between. I was very keen for their to be that biological link to my child even though not a genetic one. I am over it now! But once you start fertility treatment it can be hard to stop!

Once you start adoption if you suddenly decide you want to try treatment again it will be very hard to chop and change, you need to be 100% or as close to as you can for adoption and able to say goodbye to fertility treatment. Agree too, 3 months is nothing. You could never know after three months really what problems there might be and you could not know if you were ready to move on. An adoption agency or local council/county council will want you to wait six months after treatment before pursuing adoption.

So agree with Kew chill, it may well happen soon - good luck.

If you want to have a family by adoption or fertility treatment you will need to move at some point so I would make this a bit of a priority as once you are in your new home you can build up local contacts, useful for any parent but very much needed for those adopting. Also fertility treatment and adoption all drain one enormously so trying to move house while doing all that is stressful.

I am a woman married to a man so can't help with the same sex couple thing, and I don't live in West Sussex. But I would say, once approved you could adopt from anywhere in England and Wales so you would not be limited to the area.

Lastly, just a tiny thing, IMHO be mindful how much personal information you give away on line, (just my thoughts!). I do think most posters like their anonymity, it really helps to be sharing and not being identified and in the future if you want to continue sharing you will perhaps share personal information about a child, anonymously. So people not knowing who you are is helpful. Your post contains lots of personal information (especially location). Just my thoughts, feel free to ignore me!

Thank you, always useful to have feedback! We have no desire for a biological child, just a child. We quite frankly only chose surrogacy over adoption initially as it was far less intrusive & an easier route to having a child. We've never been concerned about genetics as initially we only thought we'd ever adopt.

I'll try and be as discreet as possible, but West Sussex is an incredibly large area covering many towns and cities.

"An adoption agency or local council/county council will want you to wait six months after treatment before pursuing adoption." - That's very good to know, we're thinking of going to a local Adoption Information Evening in the very near future, I know what to expect now as well.

Lastly it has only been three months as of yet, so we'll be continuing for many many months yet. Kew - the reason it's costing so much at the moment is mainly because of the travel and vitamins, tests & much more required at this stage. We've still spent four figures so far (which is regardless) x

Hi, I'm a lesbian mother with one bio child conceived through DI, and one adopted. I agree with everything Kew and Italian said, and to add:

• 3 months is nothing! DI can work very well, but you are generally not doing it as often as your average young childless couple would be having sex.

• You owe your surrogate boundless courtesy and respect, but you don't owe it to her to conceive your child with her. This decision is too important for that.

• You will absolutely need to move. Not necessarily before approval, though I'd recommend having some serious plans in place if you want the social worker to be ok with this. Remember they don't just assess you, but your community, your support networks, local schools and parks etc.

• Dogs in themselves shouldn't be a problem, but IME they can be a kind of proxy for other issues. Social workers want potential adopters that are deeply committed to the children, will put their needs first, are flexible etc. If you're not absolutely clear that the children always come first, and have a clear plan of what you'd do if your dogs didn't take to the child/ren, they will wonder if you really realise what parenting should be about. So again, be ready to acknowledge the concern and have a back-up plan.

You ask how intrusive and traumatic the process was, and people often worry about this. Personally, I didn't find it either. But I was, ahem, 'mature', a very open person, and crucially I had a lovely social worker. Plus, I think there's something about being gay here - you're kind of used to people questioning and challenging your personal life and so it's not such a shock to us.

Two last tips:

• don't feel confined to your local authority. I would ring all the agencies within an hour's travel time and shop around a bit. You want one that wants you, to be sure, but also one that is reasonably efficient (it really matters).

• join New Family Social (www.newfamilysocial.org.uk) and start learning from the experiences of other lesbian and gay adopters.

But ONLY once you are sure the surrogate option is over for you. I understand the 3-months-in panic - been there done that - but you haven't given it much of a chance yet.

HopefulDad - to be honest it most likely won;t have occurred to most social workers that as a smae sex couple you might have tried fertility treatment first so that mihgt not be an issue. I know as a single adopter it was the one question they never asked me!?

I wasn;t sure how much expense there was in surrogacy - I've had IUI and IVF and I know how eye watering expensive it can be, I just wasn't how your surrogacy was similar.

Certainly worth going to an information evening.

Agree with Devora you do not owe your surrogate anything other than respect for what she is doing for you, the money that is agree and a degree of honesty where it affects her. If you are thinking to the future about what you may do next or whatever you do not need to tell her everything yet (IMHO) or limit your future plans because of what has happened between you as a group. If that makes sense.

If an adoption agency do not know about the fertility treatment they cannot make you wait 6 months but it may be hard to be honest about yourselves and your plans for parenting without mentioning this. Also, if you do not mention it and then it comes up I think (IMHO) the social worker may think, what else are they not telling me.

agreed not agree!

it may be hard to be honest about yourselves and your plans for parenting without mentioning this this might be true. I am obviously much sneakier than Italian it never bothered me one jot. They didn't ask, I didn't tell.

Kew is right, as always! - The option is yours!