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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Early trauma ... or lack of it

7 replies

CloserThanYesterday · 16/10/2014 08:04

We have a tentative link at the moment, there are some legal issues to iron out, so feet on the floor for now.

I've done lots of reading on adoption, adoptive parenting, attachment etc but I'm finding that most of the information focusses on ways the adoptive parents can help with damage that has already been done - it all assumes that there will have been early experience of neglect, violence, drug/alcohol issues etc.

Our possible little one has been in a foster family from birth who have done a wonderful job bringing her up so far, they clearly love her and vice versa, and she is a happy and settled a little monkey of a toddler.

BM was drug/booze free through her pregnancy (as far as we can possibly know, but confirmed by a few tests during pregnancy) which means less uncertainty related to this.

Having researched all these issues we've been gearing up to deal with all these months, we now realise that the most traumatic and unsettling thing to happen to her in her little life so far, is likely to be moving to us.

Does anyone have any similar experiences and how did you deal with the move?

We have the theraplay book, hoping some of those activities would be good to promote attachment to us?

We plan to keep it just the three of us for a while before introducing family - any experiences of how realistic and helpful this is?

Suddenly feeling great pressure not to mess up what has been the best possible start for this little one, given that she couldn't stay with birth family.

Any advice really gratefully received!

OP posts:
Maryz · 16/10/2014 08:21

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fasparent · 16/10/2014 11:01

Good advice from Maryz don't stock up or buy things, child will need all the familiar things brought with them, best hang on, too you see what come's from foster parents, use their own cloths, personal things and toy's as long as possible, lots of love , normal as possible don't look for issues, child will feel just as you do, all will need time be as natural as possible.
Sure you will all be very happy, congratulation's.

MrsDeVere · 16/10/2014 15:32

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Barbadosgirl · 16/10/2014 16:36

Hi Closer

Our son came home at 8 1/2 months and we were geared up to follow the attachment model, assuming difficulties settling and trauma etc. he has actually settled well and a lot of the things that often work well in building a positive attachment would not work with him. I can try rocking him and looking into his eyes but he looks at me with exasperation and wriggles to get free because he wants to crawl, climb, put things in his mouth and generally wreak baby havoc! So I adapt- I get on the floor with him, join him in banging toys on the floor, crawling, making noise etc. and he loves it. We get lots of eye contact, he climbs over me and I get to unleash my inner toddler so everyone is a winner.

We have him in our room in a little cot and from night feed on in our bed. Ignore the "baby will get into bad habits" brigade and work with what is best for you and baby. He loves waking up next to us (ideal opportunity to stick fingers up our noses and grab our eyeballs!) and I think it is helping build his confidence that we are there for him.

Any changes introduce slowly and in those first few weeks replicate FC routine. Any changes need to go at baby's pace. E.g. we have gradually introduced a sippy cup for water but only as it works for him- he loves being able to hold it himself. If he hated it we would have stuck with bottles which we are still using for milk.

Parent facing buggy where poss and as everyone has said, don't overwhelm with lots of toys. If yours is anything like ours they will prefer to play with a broom handle, plastic bottles, coasters, tissues etc. than actual toys!

Hope the link works out x

KristinaM · 16/10/2014 20:24

Closer -the most traumatic thing to happen to this child so far is losing her birth mother. Then she is going to lose her next mother ( her foster carer) and the whole family.

That seems quite a lot of trauma to meSad

CloserThanYesterday · 16/10/2014 21:12

Kristina - Just meant that in adoption terms having one family since being a few days old is much less traumatic than many of the children's situations we'd prepared for.

I'm really aware of how traumatic leaving that family will be, hence asking for advice.

Thanks for the responses all - that's been really helpful as always. I'll definitely take the advice if it all goes ahead, particularly with keeping things as familiar as possible. So tempting to buy clothes etc, but resisting!

OP posts:
64x32x24 · 16/10/2014 23:57

I would add to try to make the introductions as positive as possible. This might mean querying your LA on 'how they have always done it' and referring to new research and suggesting alternatives. E.g. meeting up with FC relatively shortly after placement. 'Traditionally' the consensus has been that you must wait for a good while before meeting up or you will confuse LO, but more recent research has shown better outcomes when you meet up sooner. Or e.g. suggesting a model where you build up to intros more gradually. I don't know, also what is best depends of course on the individual circumstances and the particular child, however I do know that our intros were less than ideal, and mainly due to our LA's or our child's SW's pigheadedness in refusing to even consider doing anything differently than 'we always have done it that way'.

Some thoughts, to pick out what makes sense to you:

Be prepared for emotional turmoil. It is hard when you can't give your baby the one thing he or she wants (for everything to go back to 'normal', for having their FC back, for being back in their familiar environment).

Think ahead about funnelling. Decide boundaries, discuss them between yourselves, then you can rely on each other to enforce them. (E.g. MIL asking to cuddle baby whilst you nip to the loo - ok or not? Decide on it, then stick to it.)

Your new LO won't need much in the way of 'stimulation'. They will be 'overstimulated' by the sheer fact of being in a totally new environment with strangers. But distraction can be worthwhile; creating a semblance of normalcy for them by doing the same kinds of things they are used to.

Give yourself time to get to really know your LO. But allow for the fact that little people change all the time, and particularly as they settle into new circumstances - you may find yourself saying 'oh I've figured him/her out now' just for something or other to majorly change the next day.

Expect a high need for reassurance/comfort and aim to provide that comfort whichever way works, e.g. food, sleep, routines, whatever, I'd put whatever provides comfort above most other needs such as healthy food/educational value/what have you.

Sing, talk, chat away, don't be silent. This can be hard with a birth baby, you can start feeling as if you are going insane, always talking to yourself, monologues, inane chattering... and even harder with a little one who is actively ignoring you. But well worth it's while.

Remember that your LO won't find something 'new' calming and reassuring. But if you do something specific (sing a certain song, do a certain back rub or bum pat, hold hand, stroke hair, whatever) regularly whilst LO is calm and happy, then they will learn to associate that particular thing with those feelings, and you will later be able to use it to calm and reassure LO.

One thing that really helped me is a reminder that tantrums/tears are a) not something that the child can control, so child should not be punished for them, nor should be told not to have them e.g. 'don't cry'. b) an expression of emotion, and usually not about the particular thing that set them off. c) an OPPORTUNITY. As distressing and hard to deal with as they are, they are also a chance for bonding. The moment when the tantrum has run its course, the tears have stopped flowing, is a moment when the child is particularly emotionally 'open'; the tension has been released and hasn't been built up again yet.
With this in mind, I didn't always feel the urgent need to 'fix' things all the time - the real reason behind the tantrums/tears couldn't be fixed anyway. Nor to avoid the tantrum/tears by distracting, or such (though sometimes this is the preferred strategy, e.g. when you are in the middle of a supermarket and in a real hurry to get to an urgent doctor's appointment, or such). With this in mind it was easier to remain calm myself, to let the emotions/tensions be released, and then to seize that moment of emotional openness to be close and calm and reassuring.

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