Adopting older children

[Kazza299]

Hi there we are, fingers crossed, going to adopt two boys aged 4-6. I was wondering if anyone had any advice on the first few weeks with children of this age as there seems to be a lot about younger children on here. Also, we have a separate bedroom for each but wondered whether sharing would be best to start with as they are opposite ends of the house?

Congratulations on your news! I don't have any advice on this age group, but regarding the bedrooms question - are they in together or separately in their foster home? I would try and replicate that environment as closely as possible. The move will be a huge upheaval so anything and everything you can do to provide continuity, and things they can latch onto as familiar and safe, will be helpful. So that means copying their current routine, keeping their clothes and bedding the same and using the same washing powders etc, making sure they have their favourite toys/books, sticking to safe and familiar foods... Hope it all goes really well for you

Congratulations Kazza! :) Our DS was placed with us when he was 4, now 5.

Plenty of 'rough and tumble' worked for me when trying to get closer to him (he was very distant with me, did not want to get close), he especially loved to be on my back, constantly! so we played lots of horsie horsie games etc! He also liked sitting on my lap, we played 'guess the letter' games etc on his back. Basically he always had to be playing back then!

Games like cars and building train sets were popular in our house, as well as cooking/baking and the park, he always wanted me to be involved in his play, and still does, so I am forever climbing up the climbing frames/swinging on the monkey bars etc (I must look like a mad woman!), he also loved dancing with me (jumping around!) to the soundtracks of his favorite TV shows.

DS was fine with DH from the start, it took a long time for him to build up that confidence with me.

I suppose it all just depends on the child and their interests at that age, DS does not like sports (football etc), it almost terrifies him the thought of taking part in those kinds of activities, but he loves to go out riding on his bike etc and is very sociable with children and adults. Try to focus on a few things they enjoy I'd say and start from there.

I am not sure if any of that is any use at all to you! But once your boys are home please just message if anything crops up as we've had a years worth of experience with our boy that age :)

Sorry, didn't mean to post nonsense 3 times . Our 2 dc were 4 and 5 when they came home. We spent most of the time playing with them generally letting them decide what to play. There was lots of hide and seek, jigsaw puzzles, board and card games. We did lots of baking; anything food related was very popular so even just decorating gingerbread men was fun. We tried to incorporate some theraplay activities as well like drawing round their hands, painting nails etc, swinging on a bean bag which all helps build attachment. We also went bowling and swimming and to the park a little but but it was winter and very cold so not so much of this. We made a big picture which was just drawing and sticking things but it is still up on the wall 2 years later. Our DC also loved discovering the camera on the laptop and took hundreds of pictures of themselves and us! Oh and dancing, lots and lots of dancing to different music which they loved. Good luck, it is very tiring but such a fabulous time

We just had our boys 4 and 5 move in with us only 8 weeks ago so very new experience. They shared a room but they did this at fc as well. What went really well is we bought the duvet covers that they put on their beds at the fc house then it came with them when they moved here. That way the smells of fc was here when they slept for the first few days.

Another thing is on our first intro visit we wore the same clothes that we wore in the video and pictures we gave them.

We had a lot of hands on play..play doh, cooking, lots of eye contact games like row the boat and mirroring games. You must think younger as well, my 2 regressed..youngest wanted dummies and oldest wanted me to sing as he went to sleep. We had lots of different experiences eg picnic at the park, jumping in puddles, feeding ducks- we were led by them and what they wanted to do. One thing I am doing now which is building up trust with both is that we take them swimming. They hold on in the deep water and you can easily hold them with the help of the bouncy of the water.

Wow! Such a lot of fab advice. Thank you so much. Love the duvet idea. They currently have their own rooms, I was just wondering if they might feel safer together initially as rooms are far away from each other. I know we'll have to be led by them and what they want but thought I should introduce whichever idea we go with in the family book?

My girls were 2 and 8 when placed and had shared a bedroom in FC.

DD1 was keen to have her own bedroom, so from the start we put them in their own rooms.

We took DD1 shopping whilst on intros to buy duvet covers, wall stickers(and school uniform).

Are they both in school or just the older one? I wish DD1 had stayed off school longer but DD2 needed a lot of attention. If you get the chance maybe try to take them out of school individually for some bonding afternoons, as the 1-1 time could really help.

We had to stress to DD1 for a very long time that I was the Mum and that looking after DD2 was my responsibility, not her's.

DH and I alternated bedtime duty from day 1 so they would both be used to us both doing bedtime. Despite at least 2 years of moaning from DD2 (clinging to me, crying; usually fine by the time she was half way up the stairs).

Hope you have found a school that will listen to you re their needs and not just play lipservice.

Best wishes.

Oh, when they do visits to your house, do lots of playing in their bedrooms with them in the daytime so they get used to them before their first sleepover.