Feel like such an arsehole

[GirlsWhoWearGlasses]

Nice lazy Sunday morning, DD (2) points at my and DW's wedding rings. I explain that we got them when we got married and promised to be together forever.

She then asked why she didn't have one. Without thinking, I said, "Well you're not married. When you grow up you might meet someone you want to be with forever & you might want to get married."

I could have kicked myself. We've told her again and again that we're all together forever.

Her little face crumpled, she threw herself face down on the bed shouting "No, no!". Poor kid.

I guess I'm posting because you guys will get it, but also to announce will be getting my mouth sewn shut as soon as possible.

You are not an areshole .

There's nothing wrong with what you said.

Do you think that she is upset because she doesn't have a ring ? Or because she thinks that parents give them to children ? Or because she thinks it's compulsory to get married or to leave you when she s an adult ?

Just ask her why she's upset and correct her misunderstanding

And don't be so hard on yourself .

Am pretty sure it's because I suddenly gave the impression that we might not be forever after all, she might be moving on to someone else.

Have given lots of cuddles and reassurance, but wish had just thought before I spoke.

Don't feel bad, you are not psychic.

Have you told her that you will always be her parents and that she can live with your forever?

Getting married or leaving home is a scary thought for most small kids, even bio ones. My kids who are primary school aged are sure that they never want to leave home . ( I hope they are wrong )

Have you checked that she doesn't just want a ring? I know it sounds daft, but we can often read things that aren't there

Can you explain it in terms of you and DH and her will love each other forever but one day she might meet someone and fall in love with them which is different... Just like you and DH did?

I can't work out if she is your 2nd daughter or is two years old so not sure if this is appropriate??

Be kind to yourself. I get why you are kicking yourself but I really don't think you need to.

Thanks all. We have told her that we will always be her mummies.

It's possible that am overthinking it, but seemed such a definite reaction and seemed linked to the forever thing.

She is only 2, so the 'in love' thing was probably too much to grasp.

Anyway, thanks all.

Ah, we've all said things we wish we could take back as soon as they're out there. I know it's annoying when non-adoptive parents post "that sounds normal" when it's clearly an adoption issue, but although the sentence here has particular meaning for an adopted child, the fact of saying it is good old less-than-perfect parenting, not being an arsehole.

Eg I was making a lemony cake once. I had put too much lemon in the icing, tasted it and said "ooh, that's sharp", put some more icing sugar in and carried on. I offered DS the bowl to lick out and he was really upset - as he pointed out eventually, I had told him off earlier for being silly with scissors and now I wanted him to put his fingers into something "sharp"....

I told DS when he was smaller and wanted to marry me that marriage is for when two people who aren't part of the same family want to be a family, so there is no need to marry your children (or brothers or sisters or parent etc) because they are already your family.

it was a good enough explanation at the time.

I also explained that there could be no possible doubt in his case that we are a family because I had not one but two pieces of paper signed by a very important judge which said so.

I have done this very thing girl with ds aged 6. He went to pieces at the thought of not living with me forever after all I promised i couldn't believe I had not thought about that! Hopefully he will see his older dsis and dbro going off to uni etc and it will make sense then although he knows now he can stay in the same house as me forever or he can choose to move out when he is much older and visit and talk on the phone etc but he is still saying "no way" to moving out!

my kids always say 'I don't want to leave you ever!' if we talk about growing up marriage etc.

My response is that they can stay with me forever and ever if they want to - but there might be a day when they want to leave home and go and live with someone else.
They nod and then say ' but I will stay with you forever' and we have a hug

Can you not buy her a special piece of jewellery that is symbolic of yours and your wife's promise to be with her forever? An engraved bangle or something? I don't think you need to over explain romantic love to her, just focus on the family love

sorry op, just saw this was in adoption, now I understand why it was such a big deal.

Know where you're coming from, but don't think you've blown it. This is still a sensitive area for DS 7. On the one hand he loves speculating about his own future independence / marriage / own home. But if WE talk about it to him, and acknowledge that this might happen we are immediately on shaky ground, and can see that he's anxious. It's a fraught area. Mind you, I have said ALL KINDS of ill thought through shite to him over the years (6 years this week he has been with us ) and he seems none the worse for it.

Hi OP. I am not an adopter so hope you don't mind me putting my tuppence worth in.

I do have a 4yo and a 2yo though! (The 4yo convinced that she'll be marrying her brother)

Do you think it could be fixed with her own 'wedding ring'?

Or, as a slightly more extreme measure... if appropriate for you all, how about some kind of ceremony to 'marry' her to you both.

Sorry, I'm not explaining this very well.

I'm trying to think of a 2yo very literal mind set.

If she were mine, I would ask our local vicar to hold a small service of 'thanks giving' for bringing our little girl to us. Something to invite immediate family and friends too, buy lo a special dress for. And explain it to her as her wedding to her two mummies, to be thankful for finding each other and promising to love each other forever.

This of course, may not suit you!! But hopefully you get the idea!!

GirlsWhoWearGlasses an easy mistake to make, don't beat yourself up. I said something similar to ds (adopted) about my dh recently. We always make a point about being family forever etc but when the kids are older (with have a birth dd, aged 10) that the children can live away from us, get married etc. DD is always saying she will not leave!

All the best.

Reassuring to hear that I'm not the only one to have done this.

The ceremony idea - we toyed with this when we went to court, but felt it would be confusing when right from when she came home we'd been talking how we were a forever family, so we thought it would be unsettling to make a big deal of it becoming definitely definite.

Who knows though. I guess we're just stumbling about like everyone else, trying to do our best

Sorry, have just seen I referred to your 'DH' not 'DW'