telling my kids that their cousin is adopted

[xmasadsboohiss]

hi - i just need some advice on the best way of approaching this. my two kids have an adopted cousin who is right between my two age wise. they only see each other once a year but are all close.

their cousin is from a different ethnic background to his parents and the rest of the family. during a discussion about hair colour the other day my older one made a passing comment about his cousin having a different hair colour. i thought i should have explained then but the moment passed. it's no big deal to anyone obviously, but i just want to know how best to tell them. or do i just let my nephew tell them himself when they're next together? my kids are seven and four.

Maybe ask the child's parents how they would like you to approach it.

Why do you feel the need to tell them? You should ask his parents whether they would like you to mention it. You certainly shouldn't be expecting your nephew who must be 5 or 6 to tell them unless it comes out in normal conversation.

thanks. i wouldn't expect my nephew to take them aside obviously but i imagine it'll come out in conversation one of these years. nor do i want to take them aside myself and make it all serious and everything. i just wonder what the best way of explaining it would be, when a question like the hair colour next comes up.

I don't think this is something you should do tbh. As above, I would either leave it to the child himself, and/or ask the parents? They will have had lots of discussions with your nephew and taken a specific line of conversation so I imagine they would want to take the same line with your children.

I don't think it's your place to say anything without checking first with his parents

Just to reiterate, don't tell them anything without talking to his parents first.

I have come across situations where parents have taken it upon themselves to kindly explain adoption to their children who are often not of an age to understand anyway. The children then very helpfully tell everyone they meet.

If you only see them once a year then its not going to come up again anytime soon is it?

Ask his parents.

I too don't see why you'd tell him.
Would you feel the same if his birth was the result of IVF?
There really is no need until such time as your nephew is a lot older and wants to talk about it but that should be his decision really.

OP - my cousin and I have always been very close. We are one year and one week apart in age and have a wonderful relationship to this day. When we were about 7 and 8 we were playing a game, pretending we were children who had got separated from their parents and having loads of adventures. I asked him if eh knew anybody who was adopted, and he just looked at me and told me that he was, and didn't I know?

I was sure he was just making things up and went downstairs, where our mums and grandmother were and just blurted it out, saying that I didn't believe him... Was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. I still cringe when I think about it. My aunt was very surprised that my mum hadn't told me before.

So, I'd talk about it with your DNs parents and find out what they would like you to do.

Why do you feel the need to tell them? Speak to the parents first and ask their opinion. I was adopted, it was well known and it made me feel worried as a child. I didn't want to be different, I just wanted to be normal. My friends used to ask me about it and I didn't want to 'be different'. My primary school classmates all knew I was adopted and one girl asked if I was an orphan, I told her no, but it has still stuck in my mind 35 years later. I did not want to be the odd one out.

I'd feel very odd not telling my children something I knew, because my parenting style has always been to be frank and I have two very curious children so have talked to them about all sorts of things since they were pretty tiny. However in this situation I would be totally guided by the parents.

Just to add I am the same ethnic mix as my parents (and birth parents) but it was always something other kids wanted to know about. I did not feel comfortable with everyone knowing intimate details of my private life, even when I was little. It is a big thing to be adopted. Even if you have a good family, you still have issues, it is inevitable.

DS has always known his cousin is adopted, likewise he knows that some of his friends are adopted, some live with step parents, one parent , 2 parents or foster carers.

I remember having conversations with him aged about 4 on WHY some children have adopted familys and some have foster carers.

Like the OPS niece/ nephew , it is very obvious that my niece/ nephew is not a birth child of their 2 parents. I think this subject may have come up in conversation about people looking like their parents. My neice/ nephew has certainly inherited their accent from their parents ( adopted) however and SiL half jokes that they have inherited X or Y character trait too.

nooka - it isn't at all about knowing things and keeping them secret from your kids. It's about differentiating what is private and what is secret. Adoption is private (unless the adopted person chooses it not to be).

It is private in the way that you don't necessarily share the details of your sex life with your children - they may realise that you and your DH must have sex but I'm assuming you don't share with them that you like nipple clamps? Obviously I'm exaggerating for effect but I'm sure that you get what I mean.

Another reason you don't tell small children about private things is that they have a horrible habit of blurting it out. I've personal experience of this and it isn;t nice dropping an (adopted) child into an uncomfortable conversation with no warning becuase I parent felt the need to "educate" their child and put that above the right to privacy of another child.

I have a conversation with DS - that if one of his friends asks about his adoption that he can say:

"That is private. If you want to talk about private things then we both do it. Think of something private that you wouldn't necessarily want everyone talking about in the playground and tell me then I'll tell you why my real mother gave me up"