This is all so hard

[FamiliesShareGerms]

Had a turbulent few days with DD, culminating in a major breakdown on the way to school this morning with her and me in floods of tears.

We think a combination of starting school (being tired, transition, making new friends etc) and doing a spectacularly ill-timed "Families" project at school has brought a lit if things to the surface for her, but she is still too little to be able to understand her own emotions. She has got into "I hate you" pattern with me (in particular) and DH, which last night turned into "It's all your fault", which appears to mean she blames me for her adoption. She says she misses BM.

She gets crosser and crosser, shouting and screaming, then suddenly we manage to find the thing that releases the tension (eg last night it was realising that "it's your fault" .= "you are to blame for my adoption") and the screaming turns into floods of tears and "I love you" and clinging to me like a limpet.

Sorry this is a bit rambling, not really sure what I'm asking, just looking for some general support and ideas how to help DD through (if it's tough for me it must be 100x worse for her).

Thanks

(((HUGS))) for you and DD. How old is she again?

4 (going on 14)

Thanks

How long has she been with you?

If it helps my ds was a total nightmare the first three weeks of school - he was so tired and emotional. And lots of other parents said their kids were the same.
So it's probably all to do with that and the desperation anxiety of being away from you during the day.

I hope it gets better soon. Could you all do something nice together this weekend and plan it now so she has something to look forward to?

She's been with us for years and was settled into nursery before school, so this isn't the first time she has been away from us (though I know school is somehow different, as it's such a big transition)

It's a nice idea Purple, but her idea of a lovely time is a day at home - preferably in PJs all day! So we will try to do that one day this weekend. But that feels like a temporary coping measure rather than helping to address the issue, IYSWIM

How is she at school?

I'm asking because I think that frequently little children hold it all together for the school day, but that is such hard work, that when they finally come out of the school gate, all that tension bursts out of them - in one way or another.

In your DD's case there might have been added tension due to that family project.
And that family project might have influenced the direction in which the tension is now releasing/exploding.

But no matter if she does hold it together at school, or not - you could try to get school on board and provide little spaces/opportunities for her to 'let go' during the day. (Though I can imagine it would be easier to convince school if they actually get to witness 'the problem' - schools often don't seem to realise that a well-behaved child is only just hanging on and will explode soon and really needs a 'break').

Or, consider taking her out of school for a few afternoons/week? If feasible. If you feel there is something to 'work through' here. I am finding that there is never time after school to really get to the bottom of anything.

Give yourselves some time, be gentle to yourselves - this starting school malarkey really does make everyone tired (parents included).

Familes so sorry - no real ideas just lots of sympathy and tea, make yourself a cuppa, I am having one now and thinking of you.

Just know that it's something she needs to process and she is doing it with you. Although it is so hard at least she is getting to that release point and back to I love you.

Starting school was hugely stressful for us and DD, even though where we live they only start at 6. 4 Is still so little. Is she going for the whole day every day or can she come home earlier some days? All you can do is hold her and try to give her words for her emotions and reflect her feelings. "DD I can see you are very sad that BM couldn't look after you". "DD you are very angry right now. Let's hit this pillow to let the angry feelings out". Does she have a book with her life story?

That's a really good point 64, we've been told that she is nigh on perfect at school ( polite, chatty, engaged, obedient...) so perhaps we're getting the fall out.

But I'm not sure that taking her out of school or picking her up early will help, will it? Won't it just delay the problem? (Sorry if I'm being dense here)

Though you're right Lasting that helping her to articulate the problem is immensely helpful to her - it's usually what turns the tantrum into a release.

If school is like a pressure cooker for her then fetching her early will hopefully help so that pressure hasn't built up so much. Does that make sense?

Hi there,

so sorry to hear of the hard time you and DD are having. DS has just started Yr1, a couple of weeks ago he really wasn't coping well in school at all, fighting etc. He finally managed to open up to me last Thursday that he was finding the work hard etc (broke his heart), and as a result seemed to be lashing out at any opportunity to in school. He was actually ok at home however.

I spoke to the school several times about it, and it seems as though they have worked with him to build his self esteem over the following weeks as he even got star of the week last week as there was such a huge improvement!! At school he has the opportunity to go to 'nurture' - would that be available for your LO? It is a smaller group of children and DS seems to enjoy this.

For DS a lot of his troubles were his inability to understand that if he isn't 'the best' then he isn't a failure. Admitting he was struggling and asking for help just didn't appear to be on his radar as that would be him acknowledging he wasn't 'the best' at the work'. He opened up to me for the first time about this and that is when things started to improve.

It may not be anything like that for your DD, but I just thought I'd share our recent experiences.

Yes, taking her out for a couple of afternoons or so, would be to get more time with you, less time at school.

Less time at school - less tension to build up.
More time with you - more opportunity to address/work through some issues that as you said, the combination of tiredness and everything new and family project, have brought to the surface. Even if it is just that you read a (vaguely?) adoption related picture book together, or spend some time looking at her life story book, etc. The kind of 'preventative' stuff that you presumably aren't getting much time to do, as the hours between school pick-up and bedtime are so short and full and characterised by tiredness and those outbursts.

There's a thread over on primary education, about behaviour deteriorating after starting reception. Someone posted that in hindsight they wished they hadn't focused so much on keeping their DC's attendance score up, but more on giving their DC the time and space they needed. They suggest taking occasional 'pillow days' and I'm thinking that's not such a bad idea at all. Would give you the opportunity to do nice (preventative) stuff at times when everyone is calm and rested. Rather than always firefighting.

Poor thing and poor you, it must be very difficult and I wonder if we might face similar problems in years to come DD is only 2 so school issues are a way off atm.
I think that like others have said, it's a combination of bad timings. 1) She's just beginning to understand what's happened in her past to becoming adopted which has thrown up a mass of emotions she cannot yet deal with.
2) Full time school has started and completely wiped her out, as it does with lots of littlies physically and mentally, leaving her less able to cope with "stuff" and 3) the stupid family work thing at school Why oh why don't they THINK about the implications of this project on new starters who won't be confident in school yet let alone with sharing intimate, personal information? It's just not fair and should be either removed from the curriculum or moved to a later part of the year or years.
Lots and lots of reassurance as you are already doing, looking at life story book if appropriate, learning how to express and manage emotions and regular meetings with her teacher so that she knows what's happening out of school as well.
Good luck, xx