Co-sleeping

[oldnewmummy]

Our lovely boy is almost 8. He was adopted at birth, slept in cot and then his own room until about 10 months, and has been pretty much co-sleeping ever since. (Mainly with me, husband usually ends up in the spare room).

We've tried a few times to get him to sleep in his own bed/room. We tried a single bed in our room but he fought it, and now have a new grown up double bed in his room. The plan was that I'd sleep in there with him for a few weeks and then he'd be alone, but he's hysterical at the thought. He is an anxious child, but I don't know how much of his reaction is genuine anxiety and how much is trying it on.

I'm pretty immune to the criticism from, e.g., my parents, but I'm concerned about getting him out before puberty!

Any experiences/comments/suggestions?

Hello, I'm afraid I don't have any useful advice to offer other than suggesting that you post this on the non adoption mumsnet pages as well as there would be a wider pool of people that maybe had a similar experience. I know they might not get adoption issues, but if he was adopted at birth and you feel he has a good attachment with you and your partner then you may be able to handle this in the same way a parent of a bc would.
Other than the above I wondered if you could just cut down the time you are sharing the bed- come to bed later than him, get up earlier and gradually wean him off that way? There are also various toy sleep aids- usually aimed at younger children- that you may still find a useful tool in helping him get over his fear of being alone at night.
Good luck and I hope you find a solution soon

If you say he fought sleeping in the single bed in your room, what exactly did he do? Do you go to bed the same time he does or does he go on his own? What is your bedtime routine?

It could be anxiety or insecurity or control at the heart of this. I imagine he won't want you in bed with him when he hits puberty. He'll be too embarrassed.

I used to lie with mine until they were asleep then sneak out.

Maybe don't tell him, just gradually be "Busy" and spend less time in bed with him to wean him off. Maybe have sleepovers where he can't logistically sleep with you? It's a tricky habit to break.

Could you get a dog to share his bed if he really hates being alone and you really want to put an end to it?

Although my ds is a lot younger. I did the waiting for him to be asleep then sneaking out if ds wakes and calls out for me I get into bed with him. I now sleep in the same bed as him one or two nights a week for half a night.

DS coslept with me until he was about 7.5 so not far off though to be fair he would go to bed in his bed at bedtime then transfer into mine at about midnight.

He was very anxious.

I alwyas told him that he could come and get into my bed at any time, he needed to know it was still possible. Try bribing him into going to bed in his own bed with lots of bedtime stories in bed (or whatever he likes) and say if he goes to sleep in his bed then he can get up and get into your then.

DS just gradually stretched the time he spent in his own bed until it was all night. At nearly 9 he still does his beditme reading in my bed and gets in with me at 7 in the morning. HE hates being on his own!

FWIW I wouldn't worry too much about puberty yet! DS did have an incentive as we were going on a rugby tour and the kids were all sleeping in shared rooms so he had an incentive.

Good luck.

I will post at more length but interested in replies as ours, adopted as toddler and now 8, has the same problem!

I don't know if you have more than one DC but DC2, also adopted, sleeps through in their own bed so it isn't just our feeble parenting

oldnewmummy my dd (now 10, not adopted) came and slept in our bed until about age 8. She always found it hard to stay in her own bed and we tried various things without success. When she was 7 or 8 we started going through the process for adoption and really did not want her to still be coming in our bed.

Amazingly she just sort of stopped downing it aged 8. Now she and our new ds 9aged 4) only come in our bed in the mornings for a cuddle before the day begins.

I am not sure if we did anything really to make it happen, we had tried insisting and also returning her but often we actually slept through her getting in our bed.

Actually co sleeping it probably not so unusual universally. However, as he gets older with sleep overs, school trips, or scouts etc or whatever, he may want to be able to do this himself.

Personally, I would work on what is making him so anxious before trying to get him out of the bed.

I would also talk to him and see what may make him feel better in bed at night, he may realise it is unusual to sleep with parents and may want to change it, or may not. I would not be too worried yet, although he is almost 8 another way of saying it is he is 7, and that still seems quite young. I think you probably need to work on what it is that scares him before you will actually get him out of your bed.

There are probably a lot of good books about anxiety, I have not read this one but a friend mentioned it.

What to Do When You Worry Too Much: A Kid's Guide to Overcoming Anxiety (What to Do Guides for Kids)

Sorry, that should read

Amazingly, she just sort of stopped doing it aged 8. Now she and our new ds (aged 4) only come in our bed in the mornings for a cuddle before the day begins.

i found a reward chart so helpful in this area! and set a limit of 10th star we'd get my daughter something she's been wanting - think playdough at the time.. and on another occasion a day out just us two swimming and eat in at mcdonalds or something silly (we made her reward chart together and she chose the stickers we'd put on every night so was all very exciting) just make sure its only a positive thing , never take stickers off and only mention it when they HAVE got a sticker etc. and LOTS of praise! - anytime granny would come in id make a big deal of how many stars they have on this week, things like that :)

agree with others in also lying with him till he's asleep and sneak out when asleep, its exhausting and i still fell asleep with her on many occasions accidentally after crawling out and then being called in again so many times, but when i did manage to..in the morning your not still there and he realises he can do it. i also started to take longer to go upstairs - got her to brush their teeth, read a story in bed etc, then i went down to get drinks etc and prepare for school the next day, THEN id go back upstairs - started ending up she'd fall asleep by herself, wake up later and come get me, but she did the initial fall asleep on her own bored waiting for me :)

Thanks everyone - glad to hear he might grow out of it and that I'm not the only one with this issue. He's an only so no sibling to share with, and it's made worse because our house (designed before we ever thought of him) has our room upstairs and his downstairs. Never had a sleepover except an organized one at school, and they let the dads stay for that. He's never had any overnights away from us (we live in Australia so no rellies nearby).

Will have a think and a read, thanks.

Just to say, we tried rewards with our DS (BC) and it had zero effect. I think rewards/incentives (by chart or directly) will only work if your DC is ready to sleep on their own but just not in the habit. If the 'problem' is more than 'habit', then you need to address that 'problem' first, as Italian said.

Your poor husband OP.

I agree with 64, I was thinking that, stickers etc are a great incentive when kids want to get there. I did try a lot of things with DD, I feel sure, but finally, when ready, she just stopped coming in our bed - it seemed overnight.

Am I right in thinking your implication, oldnewmummy, is that being in Australia you are far from people (or just far from relatives)?

If you have no near neighbours then is it quiet and dark where you are (no street lights), if so has it always been that way? Kids can be funny, some like it quiet some actually prefer noise and lots do not like the dark. I am assuming you have looked into all that, night lights etc and whether having soft music or forest sounds or something paying would relax your son (it might have the opposite affect) so I am no expert, I could sleep standing up!

MillyMollyMama right yes that's the point - poor adult male rather than poor adopted child with anxiety issues so bad they can't sleep alone.

Really helpful comment as well, I sure your pity for her poor husband will really help sort the situation out.

Or perhaps poor husband understands the issues and thinks its the best solution. Or maybe the poor husband is just opting out of the problem by sleeping separately - in which case I'd be putting sugar in the spare bed.

Have another

If your bedroom is on a different floor then that makes things much more difficult. I would be tempted to try the single bed in your room again.

Millymollymama - not helpful, you show no understanding of trauma and attachment in children.

Luckily poor husband is not an emotional fuckwit and so is fine with this. (And we both work from home and there are plenty of other bedrooms so plenty of opportunity for daytime rumpy pumpy!).

Ref to rellies was just that because we've always lived abroad he's never had sleepovers at grandparents etc so hasn't got in the habit of being apart.

We've decided not to go totally cold turkey till we've had a think about the anxiety issues, and so my husband will sleep with him for a few weeks while we work on some stuff. Hopefully this will start to break the habit of him needing me.

Thanks for the advice (nearly) everyone.

I think thats a reasonable next step OP - I think (having been through it myself) that cold turkey would be a bad idea! DS required lots of reassurance in advance that sleeping in his own bed didn;t mean he couldn;t get in with me any time he liked.

Am a bit jealous of daytime rumpy pumpy on tap though.

Good luck OP.

i have always co slept with my two children. both have moved on in their own time. i have friends who who have done the same. its really not a crime !

moraf2 did your children just stop at a certain age?

I can't speak for the OP, but I know for myself that I have never felt it was a crime! Indeed I think I said it was pretty universal. I think that the reason it is treated as a problem (and we certainly perceived it as a problem) is that here is a difference between everyone wanting to do it and a child who simply cannot sleep alone as they are fearful. Plus there is a difference for adults who find it really disrupts their sleep and they are not happy with it. Speaking for myself, again, it did not disrupt my sleep or bother dh but we just knew we wanted dd to stop before ds arrived.

I also found dd just stopped aged 8 and I can't really remember now what kind of precipitated that or happened before she stopped. She just stopped. I also do not think my dd was scared as such, she just wanted to be with us.

it may seem very weird to some, but my boys just left the bed when they were ready. i tried fighting it so much with first DS but then i was so much more relaxed with nr 2.

They won't stay there forever

Italiangrayhound
I completely agree with you. I just wanted children who did not go to sleep fearful. Everyone now seem to think that physical closeness and comfort is wrong.

Yes, moraf2 some parents do seem to feel parents should not 'pamper' kids too much but I totally bought into attachment parenting with my dd which was the best thing. She is not adopted, is dyslexic and really needed me to be there for her (and still does). My new adopted son does not seem to need the same degree of attention at times, more at others! He sometimes says he does not want to sleep alone but when he is tired he is fine.

I really did worry at times with dd because I could see no end to it, but of course it did end, and at times I miss it!

Looking back from the other side of things you can view them in a totally different light! But I understand for those still in 'it', whatever 'it' may be, they can feel quite stressed.

Physical closeness and comfort are essential, we all need them, what a sad world it would be without them.

I have also found it is easier to surround myself as much as I can with friends who parent in a similar way to me, and to not discuss too much when I know we will disagree!

Thank you for your share
Both my DSs are very happy well adjusted now. And I don't feel ashamed to admit that I miss it too. I have a close friend who co sleeps with all 5 children in a double double bed. Everyone happy