Former partners - what would social workers ask them about during your assessment?

[Nancery]

I have read that part of the assessment will probably involve contacting former partners too. My previous partner, unless we go back 20 years, has died although I am still in touch with his family. DH has a son from a previous relationship (he's been as involved as much as he could, ex girlfriend was very volatile but has thawed out a big now - son is 21) and he also is divorced from a woman he married after her (not just after!) which was acrimonious as she ran off with someone else.

I imagine it would be questions about how I/DH deal with stress or questions along those lines but i would love to hear from someone who's been through it so knows from experience.

I think our sw sent the same reference questions as other referees to dh' s exw and then visited her. He has children with her. I think references from exes are taken with a pinch of salt! His adult daughter was also sent the same questions. As I told her I hadn't really had significant relationships in recent years (no live in partners or children ) none of my exes were contacted.

And what were the questions? Did you know? There's nothing to hide, it's just weird (not in this context, more in every day general context!) So, it's significant other partners (ie cohabiting, marriage or having a child with?)

Ours had a general chat with ex partners over the phone.

Confirming the details we'd provided them, i.e. when we were together.

Asking general questions. How would you sum up the relationship, why did it end, were any children involved, did you see the applicant interact with any children.

Crucially - they were asked is there anything you can think of which would render the applicant unsuitable to adopt.

DH ex wife - we knew without a doubt - would screw us over when providing a reference. She had made accusations to her friends after her and DH split, saying he used to get drunk and beat her up. All absolute garbage but enough to cause us some real worry during the process.

We were totally up front with our VA from their very first visit and talked to them about our concerns. They assured us that they see false allegations made occasionally from ex partners, and in the event of anything being said, they would take steps to get proof - i.e. if the ex made allegations of domestic violence, the police would be contacted to see if any reports were made at the time. The allegations would be taken seriously, but in context.

In the event - and to our deep surprise, DH's ex gave us a glowing reference and we couldn't have asked for better. But it deeply trouble DH for some time.

Oh - and they contacted each partner we'd cohabited with.

Thanks for your replies.
No idea what to do re mine. My boyfriend before the one who's now dead (who was, post relationship, my best friend) I didn't live with, had nothing to do with children with, and basically used to get drunk and shag a lot with (I was 20!) Hopefully they realise that that is the case, ie cannot provide a 'proper' reference from a previous partner and it won't cause a delay.

Will try and find a copy of the questions tomorrow. I think there were 10. I wouldn't count your ex as 'serious' and I doubt they'll insist on a reference if you make it clear it was a studenty style relationship long ago and not someone who knew you deeply. Would you even be able to contact him?

That is very kind of you, thank you.
Re contacting previous previous I'm not sure to be honest.

I didn;t have any previous partners contacted - they are only generally interested in ones who lived with you and to be honest (though they won't always say so bluntly) they are mostly interested in whether there was any hint of domestic violence.

Contacting previous live-in partner came about as a result of a child being murdered and it transpired that the adoptive father had a history of domestic violence (not prosecuted) and no-one had contacted his ex-wife.

They really won;t be interested in boyfriends you didn't live with but they might try to contact DH's ex's.

Fair enough. I thought as much though it's such a strange proposition (ie I can't think of many other circs that it would crop up!) I find it quite intriguing. It's good to hear from people with direct experience rather than guessing too.

They are especially interested in partners with whom you had kids.

If you don't have a good relathionship with your kids, they want to know why

Obviously , if you have abandoned your bio kids, they have every reason to think that you will do the same to your adopted kids

I'd lived with two partners previously - the first I'm still friendly with, and my SW just had a chat with him on the phone. The second I'm no longer in touch with, though I did say I could probably track down if necessary. Because we didn't have any children together my SW wasn't too interested, but just confirmed with another reference the length of the relationship, and the fact that she wasn't keen on him, but there'd been no violence or abuse that she was aware of. He wasn't the slightest bit interested in the boyfriend I'd never lived with.

We were concerned that my husband had never had a serious girlfriend before me, so there was nothing to check out; but again this didn't seem to be of any concern at all.

I had lived with someone before but LA were not interested as there were no children involved. Likewise with my partner who has been married, but no children. They are more interested in how he can demonstrate 'stick ability' (their phrase) due to failed marriages.