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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

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Original poster

Tell me your positive adoption stories!

24 replies

Nancery · 29/09/2014 21:35

Today I was speaking to a woman who told me, very briefly, about the three children she tried to adopt and how it went wrong. The siblings had far greater needs than she and her husband had been initially led to believe, and she found the social worker side of things very demanding, sometimes unreasonable and, for them, unreliable. She also (while adding 'please don't kept my experiences put you off') mentioned she knew of many adoptions that had failed due to many reasons, the one that particularly resonated with me was how it clashed with birth children.

So, please, as a contrast can you share your positive views and experiences?

OP posts:

UnderTheNameOfSanders · 30/09/2014 10:06

We were placed 7 years ago with girls aged 8 and 2.

Best thing we ever did.

DD1 is in GCSE year and is set to achieve more than we ever expected.
DD2 struggles at school but is smiley and happy.

No behaviour issues. 95%+ of the time we are 'normal' parents. We just have some adoption stuff on top.

Is that positive enough?

bberry · 30/09/2014 12:44

We have a dd been with us a year.... It honestly couldn't have gone any better regarding attachment and settling in and just general joy and happiness for the whole family

We are close with 2 other adoption families and their stories are similar to ours...

Nothing is guaranteed, it's a leap of faith to a certain extent, there's only so much they can tell you about the birth family and background... Often ss don't know the whole story themselves.....

Floraclare · 30/09/2014 18:48

We're about 18-months in with a little boy who is just coming up 3.5. It's been most great and he's doing incredibly well - he was considered hard to place due to the complexity of his background and some significant delay in his first year. However, he has now more than caught up and is a very happy little boy who is a joy to parent

However, it really is a big leap of faith - and I think the official figures are something like 1/3 of adopted children will have very severe problems, 1/3 will have moderate difficulties, and 1/3 will have some issues, but not out of proportion to any other child.

I also don't think you can necessarily tell, which children will have difficulties from reading the CPR - our little boy was considered hard to place and had been turned down by a number of adopters - and he currently has no significant issues.

Original poster

Nancery · 30/09/2014 20:01

More than positive enough, UnderTheName!

I am feeling better about it now as a neighbour, who has a lovely adopted daughter herself, works in the adoption team of a council nearby.

OP posts:

FamiliesShareGerms · 30/09/2014 20:08

DD is the most beautiful, clever little girl in the whole world I may be slightly biased

She has her challenges but no more than many other children we know. We have a birth son too and they adore each other. She completes our family, and adopting her was one of the best things we have ever done

Original poster

Nancery · 30/09/2014 20:33

You've just brought a lump to my throat! What are their ages?

OP posts:

FamiliesShareGerms · 30/09/2014 20:46

Assuming you mean me, they are four years apart

Original poster

Nancery · 30/09/2014 21:24

Yes, sorry I wasn't clear - was typing during dinner!

OP posts:

bberry · 01/10/2014 07:02

Also to add, we love our sw, she is warm, honest, sensible, direct and very skilled in her role as confidant and advisor

The sw side of things eases over time as they need to visit less and less as the child settles... And once the adoption order goes through it all stops unless you want to engage....

We found the whole process more like free therapy and quite enjoyed the sessions during home visits!!!

Italiangreyhound · 01/10/2014 09:21

Our ds (3 at placement, now 4) has been home 5 months or so. He is gorgeous, very funny, sometimes naughty, sometimes a bit shouty, very loving, very cute and very much our son.

There are ups and downs; having a birth child (for us) and dealing with her jealousy has been the hardest bit. But even dd (10 now) says stuff like most of the time having him is better than not having him (me paraphrasing). Anyway, it's been a total rollercoaster but well worth it.

Also, we have had three different social workers (not at the same time!), all very nice and really they are around for a very short time (relatively speaking).

Original poster

Nancery · 01/10/2014 19:07

Thanks again!

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TrinnyandSatsuma · 01/10/2014 19:29

My son and I were putting stickers into his CBeebies magazine tonight. On one page was a thing where you choose, who is my best friend? A pet, a person etc. He chose a person and them said "you're my best friend mummy" and hugged me.

I could fill a book with moments like this, as well as tough times too, but adopting him is the best thing I have done in my whole life. I love him so much my heart aches.

Original poster

Nancery · 01/10/2014 19:33

And another lump appears in my throat....

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Thebluedog · 01/10/2014 20:27

My DD was placed nearly a year ago and it couldn't have gone better. I sometimes forget I didn't actually give birth to her.
My SW and her SW couldn't have been nicer, they are helpful, friendly, open and honest and have supported me completely.

HumpsForHalfMile · 01/10/2014 20:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GrimbleGrumble · 01/10/2014 21:30

I'll drink to that Humps! Another happy one here. Two years in and just can't imagine life without a him, even if he did lift up my skirt and show the people in asda my pants today.

i should probably mention he is 3.

Kewcumber · 01/10/2014 22:42

I know personally LOTS of families through adoption. I know only 1 adoption which disrupted in teh last 10 years although I know of two very difficult sibling cases where the family really weren't aware of the degree of abuse suffered but this was 20+ years ago and I'd say it much rarer for SS to deliberately hide something they know these days.

Adopting three together is much higher risk than one at a time although I know people who have done this.

I also know people who adopted two with an 11 month age gap then she discovered she was pregnant after placement. So they went from no childrne to 3 under three in the space of about 9 months. And they survived.

So I know lots of different situations.

Apart from the one disruption, the children have varying degrees of challenges and without exception are loved by their families. Wise to go in accepting that there is likely to be a degree of additional needs at some point or other but we all seem to mostly muddle along OK with the odd crisis.

Kewcumber · 01/10/2014 22:43

Oh and social workers are mostly a bit bonkers.

Some are nice and bonkers, some efficient and bonkers, some a bit power crazy and bonkers... but tbh the same ones seem few and far between. I think the kind of job they do sends them a bit doolally.

But the process is quite survivable.

Kewcumber · 01/10/2014 22:44

the sane ones seem few and far between!

Maryz · 01/10/2014 22:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Nancery · 01/10/2014 22:50

That's good to hear Kewcumber, thanks! I realise there could be challenges, of varying degrees, (as there can with birth children too, if slightly different types) bug it's good to hear both realistic but ultimately positive stories

OP posts:

poppystellar · 02/10/2014 23:41

I am a single adopter and my beautiful, wonderful, amazing and generally all round fabulous (I may be a teensy bit biased) daughter has been with me for exactly two years. She had been in care since she was born and was two and a half when she came to me. Hands down the best thing that ever happened to me was becoming her mum. Lots of potential matches had been found for her in the 18 months she was waiting for adoption, but none were taken further than initial meetings. I could have let this put me off (what did they know that I didn't?) but I'm glad I didn't because there is nothing 'wrong' with her. She brings me and my extended family and friends such joy. She is a typical child with all of the usual frustrations but for me adoption has been a hugely positive experience. I heartily recommend it. Oh and my social worker was of the efficient and bonkers type. They're the best type as they actually get things moving. Tbh the journey to getting approved was probably the most gruelling and emotionally draining part of the adoption. Although that's not to say there haven't been plenty of times when I have been tearing my hair out thinking I can't do this during the last two years. Then you get a smile, a hug or a mummy I love you and it's all worth it. First time my daughter told me I was her favourite mummy and she was glad she picked me I nearly burst into tears right in front of her. Best of luck with it all.

Devora · 03/10/2014 20:29

dd2 is 5 and came to us at just under 11 months. She is charming, loving, bright and beautiful. She also has her issues and I can't deny that this last year has been tough. Having said which, her behaviour is better than that of the bc next door, and she is doing very well at school, and we love her to bits. We have our struggles, but we all love each other and I am thrilled to be her mother. Last night I told her that I had always wanted a daughter just like her, and then she came. She snuggled into me and said, "And I always wanted a mummy like you, and then you came."

Devora · 08/10/2014 17:53

So I've been thinking more about this thread. It's very common to have prospective adopters come on here and ask for positive stories. And I was once a prospective adopter who craved the same - when you're about to make a life-changing decision, and everyone is determined to acquaint you with all the worst case scenarios, it's understandable.

But when you're that scared you want to hear that it's all wonderful. And I don't suppose any parent can honestly say it's all wonderful. Granted, there are some (a few) children who are an absolute breeze to parent, but I don't suppose many of them are adopted.

Then yesterday we had an assessment for post-adoption support, and the therapist (who I liked a lot) reassured me that what I was describing is very common in children with her life history, then added that it's 'high intensity parenting'. I liked that phrase (you've probably all heard it before; I hadn't). It is indeed high intensity parenting - the highs, the lows, the sheer effort of all the awareness and sensitivity and being there with them through the pain and communicating difficult information and coping with others' intrusiveness or judgement and the constant watchfulness and anticipation... My birth child is high maintenance, no picnic to parent, but my adopted child absorbs everything I have (and sometimes more).

I am so so glad I adopted, but the appropriate warning is not 'There might be something wrong with your child!' but 'Don't go into any kind of parenting hoping you can kind of fit it in around your current life. And adoption is probably that to the power of three.'

Sorry for the ramble. Just wanted to get that off my chest.

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