Newbie question: is there one thing you wish you'd known before your first arrival?

[LittleStarling]

Hello everyone :-) I'm new to the site. No bump but browsing Mumsnet and Eco Nappies is a great if still slightly surreal experience. Hubby and I will be starting intros with our new 9 month old in October! We are v excited and not yet panicking, but in reality we know so little about what to expect. Is there something you wish someone had told you before your first arrival? Thanks to anyone who has something to share :-) xx

Wow, congrats! Our little man was placed with us aged 8 1/2 months, four weeks ago tomorrow! So what do I know now I didn't four weeks ago...

1. It is possible to fall in love very quickly (although it doesn't happen for everyone that way).
2. You will feel guilty about EVERYTHING. I recently chastised myself for walking through the park and causing an insect to bite my son. Madness.
3. It is not possible to have too many caffeinated or sugar filled products in your house. It is EXHAUSTING.
4. Say goodbye to hot drinks, dry clean only clothes and any sort of personal grooming.

Enjoy! Xxx

Hi and welcome And congratulations!!

Honestly, there are many things I wish I had known, but I think the most important one for me was:

"Don't expect to bond immediately". It's totally normal for bonding and attachment (on our parts) to take a long time. Some people 'fall in love' very quickly which is great for them, but a huge number don't, and we have loads of posts on here from new parents who are feeling incredibly sad, guilty and confused about why their child still feels like a stranger. So if you find that you aren't falling head over heels, and in fact you aren't feeling a whole lot of anything at all, it is completely normal, and love will come for you, but on a normal longer time scale of months rather than days. I blamed myself for not loving my DD1 immediately, when I was just a normal person who needed a lot longer to form a solid bond.

Also, be kind to yourself full stop! Becoming a parent is a total game-changer, let alone to a fully formed 9 month old who has just had their life turned upside down, so cut yourself slack. You do NOT have to be perfect, or get everything right, and I personally think we adoptive parents are very prone to getting 'I-must-be-perfect' problems!! Keep yourself as well fed and slept as possible

Best of luck x

Hi there,
Congratulations!

My husband and I adopted our little boy three months ago - he was 9 months old too! Yes it is such an exciting, beautiful and totally exhausting time.

My comments would be...
if you are adopting locally and will be returning home each evening during introductions if have people around you who could provide you with meals it makes a world of difference because it is an exhausting time. A team of friends provided us with evening meals during introductions and the following couple of weeks and it was an amazing support to us. Nothing could have been more supportive.

Secondly, think carefully about what information you are happy to share with family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances and strangers (eg about your child's history) cos once you have told someone something, you can't ever take it back. When you're excited in the early days, it's easy to say a bit too much and then regret it.

We're so glad that someone on mumsnet prompted us to get a parent-facing buggy and a parent-facing sling to help with the bonding and attachment process. Both have been fantastic. Re a sling I can highly recommend a Boba 4g. It wasn't the cheapest but it has been worth every penny. It's soooo beautiful spending time with my boy and sharing experiences when he is in the sling.

Oh and plan for how you will get even a little time for yourselves because children, adoption and the related admin and jobs can seem all-consuming at times so we have to plan for time for ourselves otherwise it does not happen.

I just asked my husband...and he said he now understands why social services/adoption agencies say to not introduce your little one to many other people in the first month or so. For us this has proved so important so that our little boy gets to know us as mum and dad and to feel secure in our home before introducing others. (Most children in care have been passed around a bit within foster care or have known a lot of people coming and going, eg baby sitters, social workers, during contact with birth parents, etc.)

I wish you all the very best and every happiness,
H

You've had some great advice already, and we're recent adopters of an 11 month old when placed so my advice would be:

Baby proof like mad. We'd covered all SWs recommendations, but man can they crawl quickly!

Practise saying no ...

Try and insist on some adult time- we've made a sat night takeaway with candles etc our thing, and, much as we love her, I can't tell you how much we value a meal of adult chat, no drinks being thrown on the floor, and no racing up to get the next demand.

Expect the unexpected, my DH surprised us all by bonding far sooner than me, which it's fair to say ruffled my feathers at first. I've made my peace with the fact that, as Lilka says, for some of us it can take a while - and there's no shame in that.

We had insisted that we'd carry on eating out etc just as we used to do, and I'm sure we may again in time. But the reality is that trying to follow a routine of dinner bath bed etc is a little trickier than you imagine, even on home turf!

Funnelling can drive you insane, so arrange to see friends and family where poss while lo is sleeping.

Clothes shopping for your lo is addictive!

Congrats and enjoy every minute, it's exhausting, draining and totally consuming, but also good fun seeing the world again through a childs eyes, and sloppy kisses are the best.

This is a fantastic thread. Thanks OP for starting and for everyone's contributions.

Hi! Oo how exciting for you.

1. don't stress about the housework (well obviously only stress when the SW is visiting).
2. the first few weeks/months can be exhausting so try and nap when your LO Sleeps. I did this as I just got so tired.
3. if family/friends want to help, ask them to cook food that can be frozen so you don't have to cook, I would also ask them to do some dusting/hoovering so that you don't have to (ask that they do this when you are out).
4. get lots of fresh air... Great stress reliver.

If you put their bib on top of the highchair harness, you wont find yourself trying to pick weetabix out of inacessible gaps in moulded plastic.

Hi everyone, thank you all SO much for taking the time to share your experiences - we are definitely taking note of ALL your advice. What an amazing resource this community is! You have given us 'practical' tips plus 'how to cope day to day' tips plus 'deeper worries' tips too. On practical and day to day stuff, these are things we can't foresee because we have yet to tread the path so having this insight is brilliant - the deeper worries stuff is really valuable now - the 'will she like us' question pops into my head periodically, and I know it's a perfectly futile and probably idiotic question, but it's great to be able to relax into the idea that it's probably a pretty normal thing to worry about in our circumstances, and that things are going to work out in their own time as they have done with other families. Also what a lovely warm feeling I'm getting to see so many happy adoptive families doing their thing and sharing the love

GWWG, genius. That is the best advice ever!!!

Thanks Barbados, took me around 3 months to figure this out.

Introductions are completely knackering, physically and emotionally. Don't expect to do anything else during that time.

Small children are also knackering, and it's completely ok not to enjoy every moment of parenting