How far to persist with after school club for adopted DD?

[Threesocksnohairbrush]

I have two adopted children, DS Y4 and DD Y1, both adopted (separately) as toddlers.

DS had a much worse early experience than DD and has a diagnosis of attachment difficulties, and significant special needs. DD is a happy soul who generally sails through life without too many hitches, but of course has anxieties and moments where you can see the insecurity of a child who's lost everything that mattered to them at least once. There is a good deal of friction between the two children, particularly as DS can be very controlling. They still need a lot of supervision and support when together to prevent major rows.

We have managed childcare between us up till now (both working part time), with a small amount of preschool nursery for DD, which she got on reasonably well with. However, come the spring DH has a few months working full time and we will have to use some childcare for them both for about 2 days/week.

DS can't go to after school club - he can't cope and they won't take him. Fortunately my in-laws will have him and on his own he's fine. They aren't able to cope with both children together though, which given the friction I more than understand.

I hoped DD would enjoy after school club as she has tons of friends who go, and is generally a very sociable child - her birthday party involved a cast of thousands :) So the plan was for DS to go to the in laws and DD to after school. Doing one day a week to get her used to it for the spring.
Two good weeks but today she is very tearful and doesn't want to go. She says 'I thought it would be funner than it is' :( How far would you persist, and could you suggest anything that might help? She will have to go somewhere and childminders round their school are limited - also I am not sure whether a childminder she might or might not like would be better than an after school club with lots of known friends.

help and support for a very guilty-feeling adoptive parent much appreciated!

It's hard to know - but I would think that you should persist for a few weeks, keep on talking to her about how it's a special treat to go to after school club with her friends, that's she is so lucky to be able to play with them there, etc. There might be a bit of jealousy that her brother gets full attention of grand parents. I'm a child-minder, and in my experience children love their first few sessions as it is all new, then they realise in week 2 that they have discovered everything they had to discover and the child will often be unhappy for a week or two until they settle again and enjoy playing around. I wouldn't tell her anything like 'if you still don't like it in a month we will stop' as she will focus on the negatives and will want to stop.

Her thinking it's a bit boring isn't the end of the world. I think I'd persist, my youngest is quite sensitive and has tried to drop out of almost every activity at some point; last week she was never going to football again, this week she loves it

Perhaps, until you really need it, you could pick her up early the odd time etc? Depending on how flexible after school club is of course.

In my experience as a non adoptive parent, Mondays are always difficult. It's a sign you're parenting well if they are not excited about going back to school and clubs! If possible, perhaps it would help if it wasn't on Monday as this is a difficult day for kids (well, for most people), maybe a Wednesday. Is it possible to change the work schedule? I would definitely persist with it. Nothing is going to be as nice as being with Mum so she may as well be with friends. Did she say why apart from the 'not as much fun'. Also do speak to the club staff and see how she is getting on. Sometimes there can be friction at these things - after school and not run by experts.

Thank you, you all speak sense. And yes, I'm sure there are elements of Monday morning, honeymoon period wearing off, understandable green eyes over the DS/ grandparents scenario (we intend to fix grandparent time for her on other occasions to make up).
Yes, we could think about it not being Mondays, at least until DH has to do his full time working stint.
And I'll have a word with the club staff. Just an over worried parent - she loves school and I'd hate to introduce something about going that made her unhappy.
And no I certainly won't tell her she can give up after a month - a) she can't unless we can find an alternative and b) she would hold me to that statement, as you rightly point out!
Thanks all.

We have the same issues in our home, but unfortunately I have no choice and he has to go to the clubs (DH is in the forces/works away). He is perfectly fine with them now he has them part of his routine.

DS just plods along playing with the toys and the other children, we did try to see if he wanted to take part in the structured activities they run, we have spent a little bit of time encouraging him in this area, but it is something he absolutely cannot deal with - so he is still opting to just play with the toys etc.

I would try her out for a little longer, as often DS will opt to not do something if he feels there is another option, so unless I can see he is distressed by it (which he isn't in his clubs, just the activities) then he usually just plods along as soon as he realises it is part of his routine (he also loves to get the little snacks they have in the club :))

I would talk to the staff and see if there is anything they can introduce that she would like.

My dd was building a hotel for snails and finding snails in the garden to populate it! We kept them a day then released them back into the wild. Not everyone's cup of tea but my animal mad DD loved it.

If your dd is into art they could run art days on themes and bring in some fruit etc for still life or arty books for them to copy, if she likes sports is there an outside space, if she likes ballet maybe she could bring her ballet stuff and do some dance practice with any other kids who like that, or painting, art competitions, game completions of connect four etc with a league of who is leading if she likes that sort of thing, junk modelling with you providing a bag of cereal boxes and Sellotape once a week, or is she likes space and stuff she could make some planets from paper mache, etc etc.

www.ultimatepapermache.com/paper-mache-recipes

Most after school clubs would welcome parental involvement and your dd might like the idea she can influence stuff.

I would talk to your dd and make she she knows the choices, it's not go to after school club or stay with mum or go to after school club or go to grandparents it is go to after school club or child minder.

Personally, a club deisgned for fun for kids after school is going to be more flexible and fun than a chil dminder who may also be making tea and looking after younger kids etc. But if in the endthat is what she wants I would facilitate that if you can.

It is only for a limited time and you could sweetened the pill by making those days extra special by allowing her to stay up a bit late with hot chocolate and telly with mum once she is back and her brother is in bed. She is probably about my dd's age (my dd is year 5) and I know my dd would love hot chocolate and telly with mum!

Sorry painting, art competitions twice!!

Thank you all. Picked up a smiling DD yesterday.

'How was after school club?'

'Good actually Mummy'

Serves me right for a neurotic moment! Thanks for all the reassurance.

If she doesn't get any happier you will have to see if you can reduce your hours or give up work all together.