Help me get some perspective!

[FamiliesShareGerms]

I've been stewing on this, which is obviously Not Good. So please help me sort out what to do.

DD has just started school. It's no secret that she's adopted, as DS was already at school when she was placed with us, so one day I just turned up at the school gates with another child.

I had a short chat with DD's teacher before she started about adoption, partly to make sure she was aware in case any of the work plans needed tweaking (eg family tree project). I said DD was aware, and it wasn't a secret.

However I was rather taken aback when DD's teacher introduced me to a parent of a boy in DD's class who is also adopted, and she had already told this other parent about DD.

On one hand how lovely to make the connection and put us in touch, and lovely for DD to have a friend who is also adopted. But how dare she tell other parents about DD and apply some kind of label to DD and the other little boy. Humph.

I'm over thinking this, aren't I?

No, you are not over thinking it, you just need to explain to the teacher what is acceptable to you.

I have got a friend who told their friends my ds was adopted (in my hearing). I sent her a polite message to say that we don't discuss ds's adoption or even the fact he is adopted with other people. Either people know, as you know we have a birth child too so I am turning up at the school gates with another child, or they do not. If they know we don't feel a huge need to discuss it with them (I chose who I want to talk to about things, e.g. close friends, discrete people) and if they do not know I do not enlighten them.

In this situation personally I would thank the teacher for the introduction but tell/remind her that although my child knows their story and some other folks may know they are adopted it is not something I tell new people I meet. Most importantly I would not want people to pass that information on. It's not something I was embarrassed about but it is private so if the teacher wanted in future to talk to me first about another family, anonymously (not revealing that families identity) then I could give permission to pass that info on.

You do not need a reason to be sensitive about this, you are being correctly private but if you feel the need of a reason I always say that for children who are adopted it is (according to my dear friends here on mumsnet) not very nice to think lots of people know their story - so who knows what is strictly on a who needs to know basis.

This is all just in my humble opinion of course Families.

I think it's ultimately the children's decision whether or not they want people to know. It was disrespectful of the teacher to take it upon herself to make that decision for your child.

I have asked my children if they are happy for me to share with others, they have said yes, but only if I need to.

In the teacher's position, I would have mentioned to each set of parents that there was another adopted child that I knew of and could they and their child benefit from contact. Only if both parties agreed, would I do anything.

I'm not sure you are overthinking actually. I'm in a similar situation - small village, DD arrived and so it's not a secret.

She is at nursery and there is another adopted child who attends. I know they are adopted, they know DD is. However there was one occasion where the manager and I were discussing funding and she referred to " another parent of an adopted child". She would never mention her by name, even though we all know who we are!

I would reiterate what is and is not acceptable to the teacher. Sounds as though she was trying to do a good thing, but failed!

Thanks all, especially for articulating the problem. As Shockers said, I'd have been happy if the teacher had asked if it was ok to let the other family know about DD, as we would have had control of the information. It was having that decision taken out of our hands that felt wrong.

I'll have a quiet word with the teacher - she's very new, so still learning the intricacies of this sort of thing. I'm sure her heart was 100% in the right place

I don't think you are over thinking. She should have simply mentioned that there was another adopted child and would you mind if they were introduced for support (also clearing with other family too). I guess she didn't mean any harm but it would have made me cross too. Hope your daughter is settling into her new school.

Tricky one. I had my hand taken by a TA in DDs reception year, saying 'oh, I must introduce you to X', parent of another adopted child.

To be fair it didn't faze me at all - but the school know me, know DDs elder brother (also adopted), and know that although I will never discuss why the adoption needed to happen, I am very upfront about adoption itself and that our family is an adoptive one. DS apparently explained adoption to his whole class the other week though I have no idea what he said
It has been great to be in touch with the other mum, and we have frequently got together for mutual support and to share war stories . I would have regretted it if the TA hadn't made the introduction.
All that said, I agree that the best way to do it would be to ask each set of parents whether they were willing to be introduced to another adoptive family.

Hi, I am a teacher myself and I think although it was done with the best of intentions, she should not have done this without your prior consent out of respect. I actually think it was unprofessional of her. Personally, I think that this needs to be addressed in the sense that it was inappropriate, to stop it happening again to another adopter who may have security issues etc.

On another note, My DD is at nursery and I was aware that there was another adopted child in her class. The nursery were very professional and did not tell me who it was. I guessed, as our children were able to access some holiday provision. I approached the other parent and hinted, beacuse a) although we are quite open about everything, others are not so and b) I did not want put pressure on the other mum. This turned out to be the correct decision, as she later asked me if DD was adopted and told me her DD was adopted too. It is nice to know someone at the nursery who 'gets it'.