Second one

[soswearestillhere]

Any tips on making a smooth transition (well, as much as possible anyway) for adopting the second time? Our current LO is 4 and will have been with us about a year by the time our potential second LO, about 1yo, would come to us. They are half siblings.

So hard to know what to do...

Congratulations.

Not sure I have any advice but just keep your little one in the loop. I have two now, a birth dd aged 10 and a new son aged 4 and lots of jealousy from dd so keeping her informed was really helpful.

Make sure when little one comes everyone remembers not to make too much fuss about baby and keep lots of emphasis on your little one being a bit bruv or sis.

The baby will not know any different and will probably not appreciate too much attention!

Your existing one will really feel pushed out if too much emphasis is on the little one. So with gifts I would not make a big fuss, thank people and maybe encourage gifts to be given and opened in private, your little one will not be interested in baby toys and baby suits but will see shiny parcels arriving for new one and feel jealous (almost certainly). So although helping to open gifts etc can be fun knowing they are all for another and not her/him could be hard for your little one.

We managed to get gifts for dd for ds's birthday from ourselves and three relatives but dd still felt very jealous!

You may be lucky and it may all be smooth btu prefer for it not to be and for llittle one to feel a bit pushed out and prepare friends to make extra fuss of your LO.

Good luck.

Thanks very much, Italian! Nothing has been decided for certain yet, we are still mulling things over. But your post is so helpful for imagining what it would be like with two and how we might manage the transition if we decide to go ahead. We are leaning towards yes, but feeling pretty nervous about the whole thing!

I love having two but it is not always easy. When they get on it is magic, when they argue it is horrible. But my dd was the only one for 9 years before a three year old arrived! It might be easier for you.

Good luck.

At that age there can be huge differences between children, so really only you can say how your DC is. I should think that having a new child join the family by adoption would bring DC1's adoption into the foreground. How much does DC1 know, remember, understand ... about their own adoption and the circumstances leading to it? How well are they settled/attached? Do they have a sense of permanence (when you tell them you are their parents forever, do they understand what forever means? At that age, many children have only vague understanding of long timeframes)

Having a new child join a family is, I suppose, always a huge thing - for everyone involved. Always unsettling. But for a not-very-well-settled child, 'unsettling' could have more dramatic effects, than for a well settled child. The latter might feel, well, a bit unsettled; the former might find their very foundations being pulled from under them, just as they were beginning to trust them a bit.
But I'm not saying that the fact that DC1 is adopted necessarily puts them into one or the other category. Just that I'd try to keep this in mind. Some children are incredibly resilient and would be barely fazed. And if yours is not one of those, then being aware of your DC1's difficulties doesn't necessarily have to mean that you can't have DC2, just that you need to always keep your DC1's needs in mind.

Good luck in your decision making!

My AC was four when we had a BC last year, there was plenty other upheaval besides - big move, new school, temp relocation for the birth and complications post birth. AC was great throughout and seemed unfazed. He was adopted as an infant so perhaps a bit different, we rather expected he would use the birth to reflect on his own circumstances but he didn't seem to. The two have just started the normal sibling stuff - fighting over toys etc. Good luck.

Oops meant to say that we were winging the whole thing and I doubt that there is any right way only what is right for your family. It's all rather unpredictable too.

Thanks everyone. Even though it is unpredictable and a case of what is best for each individual family, it is very nice to have a bit of handholding on here.