How selective are agencies about health of prospective adopters?

[ControlGeek]

I am late thirties, fit, healthy and well. DP is older, diabetic and has health issues stemming from this. Walking and bending can be painful. We are both very worried that this would rule us out as prospective adoptive parents.

What have your experiences been of expectations of health? Can anyone reassure me with stories where one half of the couple has health issues but is still accepted?

We're not able to start the process yet (too soon after recent IVF failure) and emotionally I think it's too soon for me to contact agencies to get their take on this.

I think people always assume the worst when it comes to health.

Unfortunately I have no experience but my advice is to contact at least your local council's adoption service. I know you said you aren't ready but I wonder whether it would put your mind at ease. If they say yes they would consider you, then you have a plan to move forward.

Couldn't your husband call if you don't feel ready?

Health issues, I got a few! High blood pressure, etc, controlled by pills. Rather dodgey knees that make me creak when I get up! But I am well enough to care for a child. If your husband is well enough to care for a child, and has a reasonably good chance of seeing that child into adulthood, then I am sure you will be fine. Even if this were not the case, I would still say ask about it.

Ideally, they want to know whatever medical conditions you, or your partner if you are adopting together, have are under control and that there is nothing life threatening that would mean the child would likely lose another parent very soon.

And it sounds like you would be fine, but best to ask and get some assistance to calm your fears.

I am sorry to hear of failed IVF, it might have you to have some counselling to show you are over it, although this is certainly not always necessary. We had a lot of failed IVF and had counselling along the way so when the final one failed I was quite resigned to it and OK with it.

All tbe very best.

Thanks for the reply Odyssey. DP is actually in a worse state than me at the moment so that's not an option (he is convinced he is an albatross around my neck, I will never have children thanks to him, and nobody and nothing can convince him otherwise).

The idea of contacting for a 'yes' is great in theory, but if we get a 'no' rather than a 'yes' then I don't think either of us is equipped to deal with that. That's why I was wondering what others' experiences are. The websites just say things like 'must be energetic and able to interact appropriately with children' or 'disability not an issue' then go on to say 'must be in good health to give children every opportunity'. Oh - and all say no upper age limit (but with the aforementioned caveats). Yet they do not exclude single people from adoption, and I have no health issues. This is why I am confused/concerned (and DP v worried).

Thankyou ItalianGreyhound. Our counselling starts soon. This is the first IVF that worked then didn't. The others, we are able to move on from ourselves.

You've now worried me on the age score though. DP is 61. I am 37. All of the websites stipulate that there is no max age, as long as the youngest partner is no older than 45 years above the age of the adopted child. Might they decide in our instance that because DP might not see a child into adulthood that we cannot adopt full stop? Or only adopt someone in their teens? I am not biased against someone in their teens but would prefer the chance to actually parent a child, and bond with someone for life rather than acting as a foster parent (sorry if this is insensitively put - I am sure that it is)

Erm correction DP is 60. I am apparently the senile one

Honestly, I think your chances are slim if one of you is not in good health. Agencies have the child's interests as a priority as most kids up for adoption have already seen a fair amount if trauma for one reason or another. They've had to leave homes where the parents couldn't look after them, and the agency wouldn't want to put an adopted child through any more worry than was necessary.

Thank you for your honest Middleaged x

^honesty

I do know how to spell, really

I am a foster carer. I have seen a fair few adopters with health issues, including wheelchair users. They tend to be matched with Oder children 3-7, who don't need much lifting, but definitely do adopt, though they need to be in good health ( ie stable), even if not mobile. What I would say is to be honest and not minimise the issues. I have had 2 adoptions disrupt because the adoptive parents simply couldn't do the lifting required as both had existing back problems. I think thus is more of a risk for adopters than birth parents as the child isn't a light baby gradually growing, so you don't get to build the muscles in the same way. They will want to know how your dh will put the children to bed etc if you aren't there, or how he will manage a tantrum if he can't bend down, so maybe think about this when you are ready x

CaramelKate thank you that is incredibly useful information. We will think about those kind of things when answering the questions etc.

I think the thing is that almost no-one has zero health issues, but the context of the questions during applying to adopt is whether you have worked out solutions to any everyday health issues. For example, if bending is an issue, you might talk to the agency showing how you've been reflecting on the best age of your adopted child, or on which health needs you could or couldn't cope with in a child themselves.

The application process is looking at the family unit/household regardless of whether there are one or two parents, and (among other things) its ability to provide continuity and stability for the child until they're an adult. In a two parent household looking to adopt, both parents will need to be active committed parents - but that doesn't actually mean you both have to do the exact same physical tasks, any more than you will both have the same natural strengths or interests. A good agency will be looking at how you and your partner support and complement each other, and how you work together.

Finally, I can understand why you may not want to get an initial "answer" from an agency right now, while it feels like too much risk. When you do feel ready to ask the question, do remember that every agency/local authority is different and will have different attitudes, so do contact a few and see which one you feel comfortable with.

In considering the health of prospective adopters LAs arrange for the couple (in your case) to have a medical examination by their GP who will have access to your health records. This is then forwarded to the Medical Advisor for the LA (as social workers aren't medics they need a medic to be able to comment on the medical) and the Med Advisor should state whether or not you are suitable to adopt. Obviously different LAs have different med advisors but I only have experience of one (as I worked as a social worker and team manager in a Fostering & Adoption Team for the same LA for some 25 years - now retired) Our med advisor used to get concerned about people who were overweight and would not give her approval until whoever it was had slimmed down. She was stick thin herself and some of us thought she had a bit of a bee in her bonnet about weight.

As far as your own case is concerned I think your DPs age could be a problem (I know they say there is no age limit but this is because they aren't allowed to specify upper age limits because of the Equal Opps Legislation) as well as his health difficulties. The thing is once couples (or single people) are approved as adopters it is the social worker for the child needing placement who is responsible for deciding on whether an approved couple is right for that specific child. Much depends on the age of child you are considering as most adopters want a child as young as possible, and so social workers will probably have a choice of adopters if it is a young child without any complications, and they wouldn't choose an adoptive father who is 60 I'm afraid.

You ask if you could "only adopt a teen" because of your DP's age, but teenagers are not usually adopted. When a Court has decided that a child is not to be returned to birthparents, the LA social worker has to make a "care plan" for the child's future. If a child is young (say 0 - 8 years) it is likely that the care plan will be for adoption, though I've only used 8 as an example - there is no reason why older children can't be adopted but the thing is most adopters don't want to adopt older children.

I'm wondering why you don't try IVF again as it seems you got pregnant and then miscarried and this happens to lots of couples (IVF or not) - did you have ICSI as I think that can be best for some couples. I have a grandchild born by this method. Maybe cost is an issue - I don't know.

To be honest the need for LAs nationally as far as adoption is concerned is for couples (or single people) to adopt older children (maybe up to 10 years) sibling groups and children with disabilities.

I'm not sure if what I've said helps or not but think that there is no harm at all in talking to the Adoption team in your LA - they usually put on Information Evenings and anyone can turn up. You could talk to the social workers about your circumstances and they should be honest with you. They may well be interested in you if your "offer" is for an older child or a child with disabilities although this could prove difficult for your DP because of his health problems. Have a chat with them and see whereit leads you............

Wishing you well

Thank you both, there is a lot of sense in what you say. I can't respond fully right now but regarding further IVF rounds, that is unlikely to be a physical possibility for me due to the cause of the failure of my latest round. My first two rounds were ICSI. My latest was embryo adoption. I can't go into more details just now.

thank you again

Thought I would add my two penny worth.

Have adopted 8 (all with SN) Was 37 when we adopted our first and 66 when we adopted our youngest who was just 4.

In the interim I had breast cancer @ 49 and had a beautiful 3year old placed with us 8 months post mastectomy (yes to be honest I do think they took a risk, sadly he died @ 13years).

Am now 71 and we are caring for our 5 remaining children 34-8 and are doing OK. BTW the letterbox is sealed and 'phone ex directory

Seriously don't count yourselves out BTW DH is 67.

All the best

I may be wrong about the bit where I said they would hope an adoptive parent would see a child to adulthood, but I think I am probably correct in that, but do check. If you adopted a child of 5 then they would turn 18 when your dp was 73. Most people live well beyond 73 these days. I am sorry, this sounds awfully morbid and I think the reality is that if you were approved to adopt then you would probably find that slightly older children, 4, 5 etc would be a possibility as many people do prefer under school age. Our son was 3, almost 4 when he came home and he is still a very small person, he still wanted to be lifted and carried a bit etc but now walks very well everywhere and has grown up a fair bit!

Honestly when they are young (3, 4, 5, 6 etc they are still very much like babies, lots of hugs and cuddles etc, it is very rewarding). I think you do need to think if you would like a baby or younger child and to be realistic about what you can cope with as a family and also what age of child you may be able to adopt. It certainly does not need to be a teenager. I am almost 50 and we were able to adopt a three year old no problems at all. And I have heard of older people considered for younger children in some circumstances.

Also, personally, I would make sure you really are done with IVF if you have any doubts do think about this before moving on. Donor eggs might be a way to go, if you feel it is right. There can be high costs and there can be a wait, although if you go abroad less so on both fronts.

I had three rounds of IVF with donor eggs in the UK, please feel free to pm me if you wish to ask anything.

We have a birth child and after her birth I found my egg supply was running out (I was over 40 by then) and also I think I had some immunology issues, which I tried to have treated. Even with donor eggs and immunology treatment I still failed to get pregnant so eventually concluded adoption was our only way. I am very happy to be going down this route, our little one has been home about 4 months and is wonderful.

I hope I have not discouraged you.

It really is (in my very humble opinion) worth working out whether adoption could be a reality for you, what age of child it may be possible to adopt etc, sooner rather than later. Remember you can shop around for a local council and see where you are best received.

Making those decisions now (which county/local council or agency to go with), giving yourself most time to research etc can be done before starting the adoption process (as you know you need to wait 6 months is up after your fertility treatment. If you feel after during your explorations that adoption is not for you, for any reason, you can explore more treatment if you feel it is right for you.

I am so sorry that your treatment did not work and that you miscarried. I had a very early miscarriage over 7 years ago and I still very occasionally think of it. But I have got over it and time really does heal.

If I may also say that in terms of treatment working there may be things that could make it work better if you tried it again but I would not want to go into it all on an open thread but rather chat to you if you wish to. As you know my further IVF treatment did not work so I am not speaking from experience personally, just wondering about things generally and whether you are really ready to give up IVF or whether it is just too painful to contemplate at the moment (which, if that is the case, is totally understandable but as I say, time does heal to some extent).

Bless you, it is tough, but knowledge really is power so if I were you I would not put off finding out all you can about your chances with adoption before making any definite decisions.

You've had loads of helpful info above, and sounds like you're keen to draw a line under fertility treatment (as were we!), so I'd focus on the day to day how you would cope looking after kids. Could you spend time with children within your friends and family so that you can be prepared for the social workers questions, e.g. Dp struggles to lift so you would take a year off work, work part time etc to ensure the child's needs we're met, Dp would be the steady one who would have endless patience to sit and read/do homework with a child etc, find out your strengths, think about how you would make it work as a couple with examples and then go for it. I would be very disappointed if you were ruled out due to age and health issues when at least one of you is young and healthy.

2old your story is amazing. At the very least it shows we shouldn't count ourselves out without at least trying.

Italiangreyhound - thank you for all that information. I am sure I have seen something about 'into adulthood' on the agency websites I've been browsing so I am sure you are right on that point. Our last IVF was actually double donor, so we had already made the move away from both me and DP, genetically-speaking. Unfortunately I now have to have an operation to remove a large, intrusive fibroid that was most likely responsible for my miscarriage and due to its size and position there is a good chance my uterus would not be strong enough to carry a pregnancy afterwards (if I don't require a hysterectomy).

Dibly - we both need to find ways of getting more experience with children. We've been TTC for so long (well over a decade now) so our friends with children have grown away from us, and due to the pain of active unsuccessful TTC we haven't really nurtured friendships with people with children in the way other families might - we also don't get the same opportunities for new contact (children's parties, school gates etc) so need to try and find a way that fits in with our employer's work hours to give us this experience.

Thank you all so much for the excellent and honest advice. I would much rather we went into this with our eyes open and we can use these six months to plan, research and prepare as suggested.

If you want to talk to someone but not to an agency, you could call the First4Adoption phone line. We did that when we wanted to find out if something (not health/age, it was something else) would rule us out/make it very difficult for us, but before we were ready to talk to agencies.

They lady I spoke to was very knowledgeable and helpful. In the end she couldn't of course give us a definite yes or no, but she did say that if we made it clear from the start that we were aware of potential difficulties and had a plan for how to deal with them, then most agencies should be happy to take us on.
That conversation was very helpful for me, as I had been wondering if all my reading up on adoption was maybe totally pointless as we'd never get past the first hurdle anyway. It really set my mind to rest and allowed me to focus on things (adoption and non-adoption) in a much calmer way.