New placement-building bonds/attachment

[Barbadosgirl]

Wondering if I could pick your collective brains about building bonds/attachment with our newly placed son who is nearly nine months old. He is a friendly, happy baby who took well to us from the off.

We spend lots of time on the floor playing, lots of hugging, kissing and letting him explore our faces and clamber on us. He sometimes gets in the bath/shower with me. We have him in the sling probably once a day (he will only really go for this when tired or if we go out as he loves to crawl/explore). He sleeps in our bedroom, he tends to fall asleep on our bed and then we transfer him to the cot when we are ready to go to sleep. On the few occasions he really has not settled he has slept with us. One of us is in the room with him at all times when he naps/sleeps so we can be there to reassure him if he wakes.

When we go out we go parent facing or sling unless hopping on a bus, if in the car my husband sits in the back with him. He noticeably quieter when we go out. Going out has been limited to park visits, walks, swimming and the odd errand to the shops or on a bus. The other day I realised he never gets upset or agitates for us to pick him up or feed him when out, the normal sort of stuff he would do at home. I also got to the shops the other day and realised his nappy had leaked and he had not once cried or got restless which he will do if he wakes with a full nappy. He has started babbling and smiling a bit more when out and is not unhappy per se, he just stares at people/thinks and seems a bit shell shocked. It struck me that he is either so absorbed by what is going on or is not comfortable expressing his needs when out- is that typical for a baby that age, I thought they would instinctively cry etc. at this age? We were in the park this morning and popped into the cafe to get a coffee, there was a rhyme time session for littlies and as he used to go at FC we thought we would linger and see whether he liked it. He was very quiet, looked around with wide eyes, held my fingers very tight and did not smile when I sung and clapped (which he usually loves) so we took him out.

I am thinking we should stick with the quieter activities, quieter park times etc. to build his confidence and just go for short trips out and spend most of our time at home where he usually crawls, laughs, smiles and babbles non stop and will let us know if he needs something. This has turned into a bit of a ramble! He has been a little out of sorts this afternoon and I feel like we overwhelmed him this morning and am feeling awful. Did people find their LOs acted differently when out than in the home, is it a good sign in terms of progress that he seems happy and relaxed here with us and are there any other activities people can recommend for babies this age?

Thanks

Hi there Barbados girl,
congratulations on the adoption of your little treasure!
We are in a similar situation. We adopted a 9 1/2 month old boy and he is now just turned one. It sounds to me like you are doing all the right things. Like you we have used parent facing buggy and sling. I tend to take my little boy to new places in the sling so that we can share the moment and I can read his expressions and responses and I get him out when he indicates he wants to get down. I'm no expert but it seems natural to me that he behaves differently when out because so much is new and there is so much sensory stimulation in a new environment. I guess this could also mean that he does not notice or respond in the same way to his nappy needs etc. If it reassures, my little boy has rarely indicated to me that he needs his nappy changing - he's so busy seeking other sensory experiences that he often doesn't notice! Maybe that comes down to the nature and sensitivity of the individual child?

Sounds to me like you're doing a great job and all you need to do is keep enjoying your little one.
Wishing you all every happiness,
Let me know how it goes!
H x
Ps. If he's not sure about the sling, you may find he gets used to it over time, my boy did. Now he happily sits in the sling she. I do the shopping etc

• they're such special times. If you do not find he's not getting used to it, you could try a Hippy Chick Hip Seat. When I use mine, it means I can carry my boy for longer periods without getting back ache etc! It's fab! You might find your little boy doesn't feel so constrained?

Great advice from HGrace.

I must declare myself not an expert in babies who join their families by adoption. My son was 3 when he joined us and my birth daughter is nearly 10.

To respond to your post:

"We spend lots of time on the floor playing, lots of hugging, kissing and letting him explore our faces and clamber on us."

• Excellent, that is what all babies need and I am sure he loves it and so do you.

"...he tends to fall asleep on our bed and then we transfer him to the cot when we are ready to go to sleep."

• My only though on this is it is generally better for babies to go to sleep in their own cot (or bed when older) rather than sleep elsewhere and be transfered because it can be harder later to establish a 'go to bed and go to sleep' routine.

I am not saying that you should not be with him etc etc, that is all good. I am not advocating letting him cry or anything in bed, just getting him used to going to bed and falling asleep there. My friend's child as a baby always fell asleep to the noise of the TV and now as a teenager still finds it hard to go to bed without the tablet iplayer whatever music or tv or something on!

"On the few occasions he really has not settled he has slept with us."

• We did co-sleeping and it worked very well but there are lots of safety rules, which should be observed, you may already be aware of them but in case not, please do check them out. You may or may not know your baby's birth weight, that can effect things. Lots of factors can effect co-sleeping so it is best to be aware.

www.nct.org.uk/parenting/co-sleeping-safely-your-baby

or

www.babycentre.co.uk/a558334/co-sleeping-and-safety

"The other day I realised he never gets upset or agitates for us to pick him up or feed him when out, the normal sort of stuff he would do at home. I also got to the shops the other day and realised his nappy had leaked and he had not once cried or got restless which he will do if he wakes with a full nappy. He has started babbling and smiling a bit more when out and is not unhappy per se, he just stares at people/thinks and seems a bit shell shocked. It struck me that he is either so absorbed by what is going on or is not comfortable expressing his needs when out- is that typical for a baby that age, I thought they would instinctively cry etc. at this age?"

• I am not an expert but I do think babies instinctively cry when wet, uncomfortable etc. Maybe there are some who do not. Certainly as children get older and get used to a feeling of being wet they may not notice it so much (e.g. older children who wet their pants a bit may get to the stage where it feels normal and they do not notice). I am not at all sure but she fact he does not respond to being wet would make me think that maybe when he was younger he was left in wet nappies to cry and not attended to and so has learnt that crying will not solve the problem of wet nappies. When babies first wee it is warm and maybe does not feel so bad, as it cools it feels uncomfortable (I would imagine) so I would imagine most babies would cry when wet or dirty BUT having said that it is sometimes possible to find a baby had done a pooey nappy not complained and got a sore botty just sitting in it! That happened to a friend's baby when I was looking after him and I felt terrible" So it could be normal or not. Maybe a chat to foster carers or find out about what happened when he was little.

Whatever the case you want him to complain when wet or dirty so you can deal with it. I do not know how you could address this except to be extra vigilant and change the nappy quickly when wet, when you can (it is not always easy to find a place to do it but when you can). If he does need to wait then (personally) i would make a big fuss of him and say things like "Oh poor babyBarbados, you are all wet. How horrible. That must be very uncomfotable/squelchy/wet/horrid (pick an adjective), Mummy is going to make it all nice and clean and dry. Next time you feel wet you tell Mummy." etc. WHETHER this will have the desired effect I do not know and other people who know more will hopefilly be along in a minute to say more!

I agree to stick with the quieter activities, quieter park times etc, the key thing is for him to know you and your hubby are the key points in his life and to not feel worried that anything scary might happen. I would also be talking to him all the time about where you are and what you are doing. Which you may aready be doing. He may not know what you are saying yet, but soon he will. EG 'So this is our local park, and it is nice and safe, Mummy is with you and will put you on the swing and stay close by." etc etc.

"He has been a little out of sorts this afternoon and I feel like we overwhelmed him this morning and am feeling awful."

-STOP feeling awful. It is not your job! You tried something you thought he might like and maybe he did and it tired him out or maybe he didn't like it. But either way you are learning all the time, tuning into his ways and moods so ... no negativity, please! You are doing a great job!

YES, IMHO it is a good sign in terms of progress that he seems happy and relaxed there with you guys.

For babies of his age lots of Peek a boo, reading stories, singing together, touchy songs like "Round and round the garden like a teddy bear" (if he is comfotable with it), swimming is good, close skin to skin, find a local baby and toddler swim, it will be quiter, the pool will be full of toys and floats and there may be a play leader who can lead songs etc. You could try a baby massage group, where you learn to do it, if it is offered. When ready it can also be good to try sing with baby groups when he is older. Whatever you like. Talk and express what you are doing and often adding in things about him, *Mummy's making some eggs and bacon, when you are bigger you can try it." If he jumps or responds to a scary stimulous, like the doorbell or thunder and lightening, you could say "Oh that was a loud bang, a bit scary, but you are safe here." etc

He is getting everything from you and your hubby to grow up knowing the world is a safe, nice, fun place and to have the language to express the times when he feels scared etc in a language to help him get the help he needs.

Sorry for massive ramble. Hope that helps. Congratulations.

I meant to say, our little boy moved in about 3 months ago. You're right,we did keep things very quiet for the first few months after he moved in. I took him to mums and tots for the first time this week, for example. We introduced key people gradually after the first couple of weeks and avoided bigger organised events. That just seemed right for us and for our little boy. I think you need to follow your own instincts on this and if you think your little one was a bit fazed by the rhyme time event, maybe keep things quiet for a while and introduce other people, changes and events slowly, afterall the little fella has just gone through the biggest change anyone could go through. What he needs right now is you and it sounds like you are wanting to tune into him and listen to him. That's what he needs right now. Keep up the good work! X

Firstly, it sounds like you're doing great.

Our DD acted and to some extent still acts differently when we're out and about.

When I first took her to a singing thing in the library she was silent and wouldn't move off my lap. I just went with it and encouraged her very slowly to join in. Six months on and she normally gets totally into it, just retreating to me if she's not sure.

I think this is a good sign.

She's much shyer with strangers now than when she came home and will cling on to us. Again, hopefully that's all for the good.

Our DD was really understimulated in Foster Care, so I think partly the silence was a sign of the effort it was taking her to process everything.

Thanks so much, guys. IG- he certainly wasn't left wet at FC and never lived with bm. He lets us know fairly decisively if he is wet at home, that was why I was so surprised when I found him wet the other day when out. He is just very different when out and I think as GWWG said, it is just the different environments. He was more subdued at home when he first came to us, it took him a while to get into his stride. E.g. He used to sob when he woke up here (I think he was confused about where he was) but now he pulls himself up in his cot and grunts or yells until he has our attention!

We put him in his cot to sleep tonight and he pulled himself to his feet and gave us the cheesiest grin in the world as if to say "It was very naive to think that was going to work". However, he did not get upset so we will get there!

Lots of very helpful suggestions, thanks xxx

Hi barbadosgirl, my similar aged LO also acted / acts differently when we are out. He is much more gregarious in home - when we are out he is quiet, watchful and shows anxiety signs such as blotchy skin. It has got better but definitely gets worse the busier the environment. However, his confidence is growing every day and you are doing lovely attachment building so the external thing will improve I'm sure. Good luck!

... he certainly wasn't left wet at FC and never lived with bm I am very glad that is not the reason, it was just a guess.

Sounds like he is just a bit overwhelmed by the outside world. My little one (4 - home about 4 months) doesn't like to go out too much, often says no to the park (!) and seems to love being at home, on sofa in front of TV or on the trampoline. And I second prumath on the 'Good luck' - early days for us and we are learning all the time. All the best.