Bringing my DD 'home' from Russia... tips?

[CoffeeAndConcealer]

Hi all, I'm new to this so please forgive me if I make a few mistakes with the acronyms! After 10 years of (failed) TTC my DH (husband?) and Idecided to go through the adoption process. For various reasons we decided on an international adoption and chose Russia. Two years later (although I've been told this is quite fast compared to how long some prospective parents have waited) we've finally been told we can take our little girl home in December! We've been to Russia three times, this will be our fourth. I need some practical advice and any tips are welcome.

My parents are very excited to become grandparents and would love a family Christmas together but I'm worried this may be too much for DD, any experience of introducing an adopted child to a large extended family?

Should we change her name?

How do adopted children cope with being in an environment with a new language?

DD is 19months old.

Many thanks!

Hi there and congratulations!

I have no experience of international adoption, only domestic. Our dd was 19 months too when she came home... I would say it would be far too soon for a big family Christmas and you need to handle this with the family now. Your LO needs time alone with you and your husband to bond and form an attachment as their parents and not have lots of other people asking fir their kisses and attention...

We had A weekend from hell when the mil met our dd, she ignored all discussions we had had with her About letting dd come to you, being aware that her whole world had changed, that only hubby and I do care like feeding/nappies etcetera not asking fir cuddles/kisses.... MIL thought only of her own need to lovebomb dd.....

So be objective out each individual ability to put your child's needs first and gradually introduce members.... You can have a big Christmas next year, if you choose to do that, but this year, I would say 100% not

Enjoy your new family.....x

Hi, I'm a foster carer. Adoptions aren't generally done in December in the Uk because the sounds, smells and atmosphere if Christmas can then be associated with the huge turmoil they feel at the change in environment. 18-24 months is a particularly tricky time as they know what is happening but can express or have much explained to them. I would do as little as possible, especially avoiding large family gatherings. You could make Easter special instead and have a fantastic christmas next year!

Have you already been to court? Or is there to be a court hearing before December? I only ask because I'm sure you know the issues that have arisen as a result of the approval of gay marriage in teh UK. I'm guessing you slid in under the wire.

So congratulations - it took me three years door to door!

There are some very good Russian adoption groups around depending on where you live. If you let me know I can probably put you in touch with one if there is one near you.

DS was 14 months when we came home (it was January so big Xmas not an issue) but I did keep big gatherings to a minimum. Met people for short amounts of time say an hour and came home. But I had had sole custody of DS in Kaz for at least a month before we came home when we had pretty much been on our own most of the time so he was pretty well bonded and didn;t find groups too much of a problem.

Biggest problems we had were food - he ate until he was sick for months, I had to transition him off Kefir as obviously it wasn;t easily available here but maybe thats less of an issue at 18 months, he couldn't be comforted by me for quite a few weeks (which was a difficult time for both of us) and he struggled to sleep.

Make sure you ask at the babyhouse how she goes to sleep - completely dark or some light, put straight down and rocked etc as you might want to try to replicate that initially even if you plan to change it.

Lots of sign language and very very simple words and practice your Russian! Speech shouldn't be a big problem at that age - is she already talking or delayed. If she is delayed you might find her speech continues to be delayed for some time as its difficult to deal with existing speech delays and a complete change in language. Best to have at least a handful of word for food/drink/sleep/more etc rehearsed in Russian.

Name - decide now and change on the Russian birth cert its much easier. I kept DS's first name as a middle name - the change didn;t seem to bother him. As you probably know the carers will often use diminutives anyway so your DD won;t necessarily be used to hearing her full name as it is.

So many things to cover! Takes me back...

Caramelkate Russians don;t really celebrate Xmas much and if they do it ROthodox and a differnt date so they don;t see any issue with moving children on in december. New year is a much bigger deal but to be honest there will be little (no) fuss about it in a childrens home so again they will just think - out is better than in!

Also you need to think about when in December you are bringing her home...

Early December makes Christams less of an issue than day the week before.

And how you will feel - I really desprately wanted to be in my own home, I struggled to deal with visitors for more than an hour, I was very self conscious about my parenting skills (which to be fair were probably minimal at that point), overall I found anything outside my own little routine quite stressful for quite a few months, and I cried a lot!

Kewcumber, I was talking about when tegu come back to Uk :).

We came home from Russia 3 years ago this Christmas eve with our 14 month old dd. I got LOADS of advice from Kew for the journey home. Find out as much as possible about her routine, her sleep patterns, her food etc. Do they have soothers (pacifiers)? Have you had much access to the baby home?

Learn some Russian. I SOOO wish I had done this. It would have been invaluable for the visits to the baby home.

Keep things very very quiet. I now know that dd was traumatised for the first few weeks but I didn't know her well enough to know that then. Carry your dd as much as you can. Have baths with her. As much skin to skin contact as you can do. Co sleep (although don't be like us who are still cosleeping nearly 3 years later..)

Name: We kept our dd's name as it's an easy international name. If it had been more 'Russian', I would have considered changing her first name and keeping the birth name as a middle name. As a pp said, even though we kept her name, she didn't respond to the shortened name that her carers used with our lovely Irish accents. And as it turned out, when she started talking (late) she couldn't say her own name and made a very gorgeous shorter version of it that has stuck.

I'll be following you journey with great interest. I did so much worrying at the beginning but dd is just completely and utterly wonderful and spreads joy all around her. And it's all ahead of you!

mineallmine - delighted I was of some help (although your knowledge is probably fresher and more relevant than mine now).

And now for the bad news... DS co-slept pretty much until he was 7! At nearly nine he doesn't have a problem with going to bed on his own (and staying there) and I still feel co-sleeping was the right thing to do for us.

It took me a long time to realise that DS cried every morning when he woke up partly because he hated being on his own. He really hadn't ever been on his own before and I can't believe I hadn't worked that out initally.

Kew, you were a godsend!

And yes Kew, that's exactly what my mother said to me when dd first came home- she'll never have been on her own for a minute in her life and might be scared. Also, friends who brought their son home before us told me that when their ds woke, he didn't cry out but would lie quietly in his cot until they went in to lift him. I found that so sad. I wanted dd to be more demanding and expecting more of parents than to have to lie there until someone came for her. It honestly doesn't bother us having dd in the bed - dh is in the boxroom and everyone gets a good sleep. For us (and our SW has been very encouraging of it too) it has felt like the right thing.