Scared. Just so scared

[Catlover2014]

Hi everyone,

Some of you will recognise me and some of you won't. I have been on here before.

DH and I have no DC, we are both 34 and have been trying for a baby for five years.

In that time we've had operations, treatment and saddly two miscarriages this year.

My treatment is now not working despite me throwing myself at it 100% and I'm very unsure what to do next. It's basically IVF or adoption.

I have read so many awful sad stories about adoption that it terrifies me that's all it will be.

We desperately want to love and raise a child but I don't know if I can handle adopting a child over two years old or a child with serious disabilities.

Does that make me awful? Will the social workers laugh us out the place for thinking that? Any happy stories you can share to make today more bareable would be a big help!

Please don't judge me for this post. I'm in a dark place and I don't know where to go.

xxxx

Thanks kew I'm grateful for your honesty. Infertility has broken my heart but in time I hope to heal. X

I'm not sure how common it is but if I'm 100% honest, I don't think I started healing until I started on the adoption journey. It felt quite healing (in a masochistic way). My prep course was full of people who had fertility issues (not 100% but certainly the majority) and I was able to talk about it with people who totally understood for the first time.

I am infertile, it has made me a differnt person and one who is probably kinder and mpore empathetic than I might have been otherwise. But it's not a major part of my life now. I regret it in the way that I regret not trying to get into Oxford 30 years ago! Not in any day to day painful kind of way more of a "what if..."

When I started the adoption process, I also moved out of that horrible unsettling - "is this ever going to happen" into a "this will happen at some point, but when". Although I had wobbles along the way, I did feel more settled for much of the adoption process. Although as someone once told me that I wouldn't feel totally relaxed until DS was over my threshhold

I'm the same as Kew - I feel I healed most swiftly during the adoption process. Infertility left me feeling helpless and at the mercy of doctors and interventions - I just became too focused on the next stage of the big process and lost sight of what I really wanted at the end of it - a family. Adoption made me feel much more in control - and made me focus back on the family aspect as its all based on the child's needs. So instead of worrying about eggs and cycles and drug regimes, I was focused on what type of mum I wanted to be, what my child might need and how to get there - it's a tough journey but it just felt more within my control to get there.
In terms of depression - definitely had that! I didn't take any drugs but I did have counselling via the clinic we were with which helped me.

I did take low dose AD's. And so did DH (for a different reason). It really wasn't an issue when it came to the medical/approval.

Infertility is hugely traumatic and I would imagine that anyone who has to go through the gauntlet of tests, being poked and prodded, despair of your period arriving month after month, could not be depressed.

What is important in terms of the adoption process is that the way in which you deal with your depression and your openness and honesty in your home study.

I also agree about healing happening during the adoption process. From thinking I would never be a mum, my thinking shifted to I just wasn't sure when it would happen, but it was going to.

Thanks all for your great posts. I'm calling a lady who my mum knows who adopted a 1 year old boy this evening. Hopefully she'll have some good advice for next steps. to you all! X

Did any of you lovely ladies struggle with depression during or before your fertility treatment / adoption process? My GP has today recommended a mild antidepressant while I recover from everything and reexamine our options. I have to let him know on Monday if I want the prescription. I know it will be on my medical record forever and that worries me. Any advice or thoughts? He says I need to get myself well so I can look after a child when he or she comes into my life

Many of us have struggled with depression at points in our lives x I had depression in my late teens, and again, more severely after adoption. It's a worry that so many potential adopters have, and I totally understand that, but I promise you that a HUGE number of adoptive parents have been in this position and all been approved. Social services expect that a significant proportion of their adopters will have had issues with depression or anxiety at some point in their lives, and some people have had more significant mental health issues. Your GP will put it on your adoption medical form, and it would be something you would discuss with your SW, but not in a bad way, because they expect to see this a lot. Also, seeking and accepting professional help when you need it, and showing that you can look after your health well, is a good thing, not a bad thing. They can have confidence that you will do the same if health issues arise after placement.

Your GP is absolutely right IMHO. Depression is a true pile of shit. Parenting my DD1 when I had depression was truly horrible, because I felt so hopeless and horrible and there was no real happiness in my life at all. I wasn't coping. After I started AD's and counselling and improved, life became so much better. But even before parenting, the adoption process is a very emotional process, and it's very important to be looking after yourself during it. If you need a course of antidepressants, that's absolutely fine. Don't neglect your own health needs, they are far more important than anything else right now.

I think the bottom line is that we can only really look after our children properly if we are looking after ourselves. If we do that, we can be in the right place to parent our kids the best we can. And SS know that. But I know how daunting the medical history worries are. Just force those worries aside and focus on you x

Hope you find the phone call useful

Thank you Lilka

I got the ADs today and see GP again next week. I have realised it is time to focus on getting myself well and I'm seeing my counsellor again on Tuesday too.

I'm hopeful that if I keep working at this things will get better and I'll be strong enough to be a great mum .

Phone call went well. She was lovely and very honest with me. I think I managed to sound logical and normal(ish) too.

XxX