Scared. Just so scared

[Catlover2014]

Hi everyone,

Some of you will recognise me and some of you won't. I have been on here before.

DH and I have no DC, we are both 34 and have been trying for a baby for five years.

In that time we've had operations, treatment and saddly two miscarriages this year.

My treatment is now not working despite me throwing myself at it 100% and I'm very unsure what to do next. It's basically IVF or adoption.

I have read so many awful sad stories about adoption that it terrifies me that's all it will be.

We desperately want to love and raise a child but I don't know if I can handle adopting a child over two years old or a child with serious disabilities.

Does that make me awful? Will the social workers laugh us out the place for thinking that? Any happy stories you can share to make today more bareable would be a big help!

Please don't judge me for this post. I'm in a dark place and I don't know where to go.

xxxx

Hi, so sorry to hear of your troubles.

Here's a few thoughts to get you started, sorry if you know all this already.

There are healthy children under 2 needing adoption, it is a viable route.
BUT you will be cutting down your options, and if the LA already have a number of people on their books wanting to adopt that age then they may not be willing to assess you, or you may have a long wait.

The LA will want you to have stopped ttc for at least 6 months to give you a chance to grieve for the birth child you can't have. We first contacted an LA after 6 months, but didn't like them and DH wasn't ready. A year later (so 18 months) we contacted a different LA - I was surprised at how much of a better place I was in by then.

We adopted siblings age 2.5 and 8. Yes I missed out on the first 2 years, but when adopting you have to accept that your child had a family and life before you. My 2.5 was still a baby to all intents and purposes. Still in nappies, 3 bottles a day, single words only, cotbed with bars, and in age 18mnth baby-grows at night. So over the next months think how important a young child really is to you. I wanted to be a mother, but I didn't need the first months.

With young babies you can't always tell how they will develop. If there is FAS or drug use the affects aren't clear. The older a baby or child is the more of a 'known' quantity you're getting.

People post on message boards when they need help. People don't post to say 'we adopted a 5 year old 6 years ago and it's all going brilliantly', so you tend to only hear the bad news iyswim.

We adopted 7 years ago, and we have been very lucky. It is all going well, no major issues. I know a number of other adopters and could say the same for them as well.

My advice to you for what it is worth is to try to have a break and see how you feel after Christmas or Easter. If you are doing IVF obviously that should be tried first. Both routes are emotionally draining.

So glad we adopted, it made our family complete.

Hi catlover, I'm so sorry for your losses. Trying to create your family can be hard and heartbreaking.
I understand your fears - we were also concerned that we wouldn't be able to manage an adopted child and fearful about what additional needs an adopted child would have.
Rest assured, through the process you will have very honest conversations about what you and your family can cope with, and also help and support preparing yourselves. We found that the reading and prep gave us confidence that we could cope and also to really think through what sort of parenting we wanted for our child.
Yes, there are terrible, heart wrenching problems out there but also lots of love and happiness. Today, we took my lovely son for a picnic on the beach - he laughed and played and I've never felt happier. There are challenges, but he is worth every single painful day it took to find him and there is nothing I won't do to give him a happy and fulfilling life.
There are under 2's out there by the way - my son came to us under 12 months.
It can be overwhelming at the start, you won't be alone on that one.

First of all sorry you've had such an awful time :( I'm no expert and they'll be so many more on here with better advice I'm sure, but as a 33 year old who had to make the decision, ivf or adoption, last year, I thought I can at least give advice on that! We chose against IVF but this wasn't a decision we made over night. We went to doctor for the 'next step is ivf' conversation from dr and said we didn't feel this was our only option. DH and I agreed would have 6 month break not talking about having kids at all, then 6 months of discussion before we decided which. We asked for appointment for ivf in one years time from dr. 6 months later we went to our first adoption meeting and then cancelled IVF appointment! We discussed it together for about 1 week at end of 6 months (obviously loads more after information event) but in the 6 month non discussion time we had both been doing research on own about both and come to same conclusion. I think you need to be 100% sure IVF is not right for either of you, or rather that you can live without it before you consider any of the finer details of adoption. You can do IVF, then if that didn't work apply to adopt but you can't do it the other way round. Having a planned time for discussion just helped me think we were still on a pathway to children, which I needed after trying and trying, not just a blanket 'lets have a break'.

In the assessment process they will look into whether you have mourned the loss of not having birth children and you will need to talk about the reasons, so you need to do this :)

They will teach you on the courses that being an adoptive parent is different to a birth parent. Not in the love for your children or theirs for you, or the morals you teach or the happiness you provide each other BUT they have a life story that is part of them that you will need to discuss with them, you will likely have contact with bp's, there will be issues that birth children won't have that you will need to address with adopted children. There is nothing wrong with wanting to adopt a 1 year old (you may need to wait a little longer) and all the profiles we have looked at, the children have extra needs but these massively vary from severe physical disabilities to a bit of speech therapy needed and help dealing with minor attachment issues, you decide what you can handle not the other way around.

My advice, research more about what adoption involves (negatives AND positives) but don't put pressure on yourself to have that answer this week. And most importantly look at what not having a child that looks like you, from day 1 and being pregnant etc means to you. if this is something you feel you would regret not trying, then you MUST try!!!! If you need to you can always come back to adoption later. At 34 I was probably youngest in our preparation group, you have age on your side! ( not that adopting at 50 is an issue if you so wished!)

Good luck

We desperately want to love and raise a child but I don't know if I can handle adopting a child over two years old or a child with serious disabilities.

I would say that makes you pretty normal.

I specified a child 0-2yrs without significant additional needs and not one social worker asked me to justify this, it was considered to be a totally normal request. I have a couple of friends who adopted children just over 2yrs when they had previously been adamant that they wanted a young baby. They agreed with me that in fact toddlers need so much nurturing and they seems such babies that it really did call out to that part of you that needs to nurture and hasn't been a problem for them. So you'd be surprised what you will consider by the time you've finished the process.

Of the adopted children I know (and I know A LOT) only one adopted in the past 10 years has presented with problems that were insurmountable to his adoptive parents. All of the others have some issues, some medical, some behavioural but what I would consider to within the realms of "normal" parenting.

We have a slightly different life which is impacted by adoption but I'm being totally honest when I say that I personally have benefited way more from adopting than the extra effort I've had to put in.

And we have a totally normal family life - it's just our kind of normal!

Happy stories:

8 yr old DS won the tennis tournament on his tennis camp in the summer in the 8-10yr old category - very very pleased he didn't "inherit" my sporting ability.

We went to see the Historic Naval Dockyard in Portsmouth in the summer - spent two wonderful days there - very very pleased that he "inherited" my interest in history.

DS made me tea and breakfast in bed yesterday

I'm sure I could list whole reams of happy moments but in fact the "life is normal" moments outweigh both the ecstatically happy and the "this is tough"bits

Hi
I have both, an ivf child and an adopted child
It is a very different experience and I am forever grateful that I was able to have carried a child and given birth
I absolutely love them equally and have a very close bond with my dd, perhaps closer than my bs
My dd was 15 months old when we adopted her. All the adopters I know adopted an under 2. There are many challenges though. My dd has FASD and attachment disorder
We have adjusted our lives to cope in the same way you would if you gave birth to a child with SN
Its a tough decision, good luck

Brilliant post from silverlinings - I'd say try IVF first (I have 2 IVF grandchildren!) and if that doesn't work you can look into adoption. As silver says you can't do it the other way around.

Thanks NanaNina although just re-read your post Catlover and thought I may not have actually answered the question you were asking lol but others have

Hope still useful. One thing's for sure you have options and as long as you have options you have a reason to smile and be hopeful :) You may have a longer journey to a family than those who fall pregnant in first few months of trying but that will only make you appreciate having it more WHEN that happens

I was in a similar situation to you. We decided against ivf. Emotionally after taking clomid we knew I wouldn't cope with it.

Do not feel you have to do ivf or that you should "give it a go" as it is not that simple.
At the same point don't feel that it's an easy thing to say no too. You have to accept you'll never carry your child, , give birth etc.

We went for adoption. Our lo is 2 and has been at home for months.
Lo has no "issues" so to speak. But there were things that meant lo was classed as "hard to place" that we didn't see as an issue.
One more thing, have you thought of posting on an ivf board (maybe conception) to hear the other side?
Good luck. One way or the other you will get through this.

Thank you all for your replies. It has given me heart and hope but I'm glad you've all been honest too!

We will take a break and think it all through. Whatever happens I'm blessed with an amazing DH and supportive family and friends so I'll come through it. XxX

Taking a break sounds like a good idea. At 34, you are still young in adoption terms. Clearly there is an age limit for IVF, though, so if you have any doubts I would explore that option first.

I adopted a 10mo baby - I also have an older birth child - and now, at nearly 5, she is definitely presenting some issues and challenges. But she is also loving, loveable, artistic, a great dancer, funny, sharp as a tack, and very very good at cuddles. The good times definitely outweigh the bad, and I wouldn't be without her.

Can I just add: completely normal to feel terrified. I felt terrified for every single moment of the adoption process!

OP, I think what you are feeling is very natural and very understandable. I can offer a happy adoption story for you. We adopted a little boy at 2.4. He was developmentally delayed and could only speak a few words. We were told not to have too high expectations of him ( this was back in the 1980s) but we did what we could to support and encourage him. This week he starts his PhD program at university. But what's more important, he is happily married and brings lots of joy and laughter to the people he loves. Our family was blessed by adoption. I wish you best wishes in your journey, whatever you decide to do.

Amy thank you for your lovely happy post. What a wonderful story you have and what a credit to you your son is. That's great!!! X

Devora thank you for sharing and for being open about feeling frightened. That helps a lot xxx

We adopted our boys when they were 3 and 4 and it has been an unmitigated success.
Thanks to our fantastic SW and brilliant foster parents, the whole process was smooth, if emotional and tiring at times.
IVF didn't work for me either and I'm not sorry. I have a medical condition which can be hereditary and I feel things worked out for the best.
They are my children and I love them more than anything. Adoption can be challenging but the love a child gives is the most wonderful thing in the world.
They slotted straight into our lives with no issues and are just two normal happy boys.
Good luck in your plans for your family, whichever route you choose.

Thank you ratrace that's very heartening to hear.

I know we have to be realistic about adoption but it's so nice to hear happy stories. It's a reminder that adoption can have good outcomes too!

to you all! XxX

I sneezed this morning while watching CBeebies with my son. He got up and got me a tissue and handed it to me "there you go mummy". He has been through some truly awful experiences, and yet he is kind, loving, funny, clever, perceptive, trusting, wonderful, gorgeous.....

We adopted him when he was nearly 5. Hands down best thing we have ever done or will ever do.

x

We were eventually told that IVF wouldn't work for us. Our only option was to use donated eggs. We decided that wasn't for us, but I was still devastated. We took a break from it all (after 9 years of TTC) and then decided upon adoption.

Yes it's scary, emotional, tiring, stressful at times going through the process. But when I look at DD (who was under 1 with no health issues when she arrived) I am so thankful not to have been able to have a birth child. She is ours - she is an amazing little girl and has made our lives complete.

It's quite a process to get there but utterly worth it. I always thought I wanted to experience pregnancy and birth and now I realise that, for me, I just wanted to be a mum. Adoption gave me that gift.

Good luck with whatever route you choose x

Catlover I am very sorry for your loss.

My little boy was brought home a few months ago and he is wonderful. I am very pleased we decided to adopt and I am very happy.

Our DD was born thanks to IUI (inter uterine insemination). I had a miscarriage after a natural conception after that and then I went through years of IVF, including with donor eggs, and it did not work.

I had always wanted to adopt but I got very caught up in the idea of having another birth child. That pull can be very strong so you need to be sure you have thought it all through and moved on from IVF before moving onto adoption.

Please consider all angels and what is right for you. adoption is very good but be sure you have considered IVF and moved on if it is not for you.

Do you know if IVF has a chance of working for you, if you have conceived by miscarried do you know IVF may work, one option may be donor eggs, as my understanding is that the majority of miscarriages are caused by the egg. I only say this because I do think it is very important to work though the issues and come to a decision.

This thread has some interesting comments and may be helpful in helping you think through it all. It's about donor sperm of course, not eggs, but it does contain issues of IVF and you may find it interesting.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/adoptions/2164105-Adoption-or-IVF-with-donor-sperm

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you all the best.

Sorry, should be

"... conceived but miscarried? Do you know IVF may work, one option may be...."

Trinny that's so sweet and most heartening to hear.

Rhinos I really obsess over what I'll miss out on from not being pregnant and not breast feeding etc. That said, much like you, I know motherhood is the thing I crave the most.

greyhound thanks for your lovely post. You have a great way of explaining things and I'm so pleased you posted. I will focus on that wonderful positivity you have and take strength from it

Did any of you lovely ladies struggle with depression during or before your fertility treatment / adoption process? My GP has today recommended a mild antidepressant while I recover from everything and reexamine our options. I have to let him know on Monday if I want the prescription. I know it will be on my medical record forever and that worries me. Any advice or thoughts? He says I need to get myself well so I can look after a child when he or she comes into my life.

XXX

I really obsess over what I'll miss out on from not being pregnant and not breast feeding etc. That said, much like you, I know motherhood is the thing I crave the most. i think that's pretty normal for those of us who have never given birth. Part of m e still regrets it and I certainly wish I would have had DS from birth (or before) I resent that I and he are missing a year.

Adoption (despite what the uninitiated think!) doesn't cure infertility. It does however put it into perspective and makes you realise what you really want which is a family to nurture (in my case).

But I wouldn't trade DS for getting pregnant/breast feeding etc - unthinkable! I even went through a phase after adopting him when I was so convinced that he the second coming that I really felt sorry for those people who hadn't experienced adoption. I think I had some kind of delayed hysterical bonding!

I would have loved to have been pregnant etc but I wouldn;t change anything about DS - if I could wave a magic wand and have a birth child as well I would but instead? No.

I can really agree with Kew. Although I had been through pregnancy etc it was not a good one (feeling queasy, bleeding and almost going into labour early etc) so I did not crave that but I have an almost obsessive desire to get pregnant again. That is what I say the pull can be very long. And I agree with Kew when she says

"Adoption (despite what the uninitiated think!) doesn't cure infertility.*

and I agree...

... I wouldn't trade [my] DS for getting pregnant/breast feeding etc either.

HAD not have had...... an almost obsessive desire to get pregnant again. Past tense.