Grrrr. You think they've got it...

[OneTooFew]

Talking to DM on the phone today about adoption and she said "I work with someone who adopted her boy and I remember on mother's day seeing that he had put something on facebook and thinking that was lovely for her".
Turns out he's 20-odd and she adoted him as a baby!
I said "But mum of course he did, he's her son" and she replied "well I know, but things like that must be extra special for her"

I'm going through stage 2 and have talked to her so much about everything, but find myself getting very frustrated by comments like these from my family and others.
Am I being too sensitive?
Any tips on helping people to understand better?

Our LA did a 1/2 day course for family members on what to expect and how to help us as parents. It was really valuable. Do your LA do anything like that? We found out about it in stage 2.

They do, yes, they've already mentioned it but my family all live in Ireland. Otherwise I think something like that would be perfect.
I'm going to get them the Related by Adoption book but I'm not convinced it'll get read.

Sorry, I meant to say Thank you SilverLinings
I sound quite rude and ungrateful there

Well, I have to say that it IS special for me when my older children put things like that on FB! Or in cards etc. It's a really wonderful feeling, and it wouldn't be the same if they were my birth children. If they were my BC, I'd probably take it for granted. But they aren't, and we've worked so so hard to build our relationships through some really tough periods, so even though it's 'only FB' I could cry when I get lovely messages posted in public from my kids. I suspect I'd feel similarly if I had adopted them as babies. I remember my own mam actually once saying on mothers day something like "oh pet I saw what DD2 put on FB about you, and I cried, it must have been so lovely for you. More than all the other kids mams" and I was happy that she understood how I felt!!

But having said that, during the process you DO tend to get lots of comments that you find frustrating, or nosy or just plain rude, and it's not easy to work out how to deal with them

Personally, I 'pick my battles'. Certain comments (the downright rude and offensive ones) always get challenged, some I take the 'educate them' approach, but some I just let go. We have to work out for ourselves which ones we let go of and which ones we feel we have to comment on. Ultimately some people do 'get it' but others never will, because they've never lived our lives, and so we have to accept there's a limit to what they can understand without experiencing for themselves (although being offensive is still not acceptable).

There's a book which is written for future-grandparents-by-adoption (and other relatives), if you think your DM might want to read it? It's called "Related by Adoption" and it's by Heidi Argent, and it covers how adoption works nowadays, and how relatives can support the parents through the process and when the child comes home etc. It might be helpful for her? It's cheap on Amazon

Oh bollocks x-posted and you're getting that book That was my best suggestion!!

Thanks Lilka
And good suggestion!

Don't worry, my dad just didn't get it, changed the subject whenever we spoke about it causing me all manner of angst. And then ad arrived and he dotes on her, even more than with his biological grandchildren. People don't
Know what to say and can be majorly insensitive at times, but try and bite your tongue and let them take their cues from you. If I ever get a fb message from lo on Mother's Day it would make my day, but I totally get how fraught it can feel in the build up.

I find Mothers Day cards from both my DS and DD special

I'm with Lilka on choosing your battles, though - in this case it sounds like your mum was trying to say something nice and her heart was in the right place

It's hard to comment because these incidents are ALWAYS about the dynamics between you and your mum, built up over many years. Where angels fear to tread! I absolutely get how lonely and aggravating it can be when family and friends say stuff that says to you they have no understanding of where you're at. And with adoption, I work on the assumption that most people most of the time don't really get where it's at. As I didn't before it became my reality.

Having said that, I have an adopted child and a birth child and I too get a bit more thrilled when my adopted child says something that claims me as her mum. I kind of take that for granted with my birth child, but with adoption I think you have to sort of claim them as fully yours, while accepting that you cannot expect that they will reciprocate. By which I mean, I cannot be a good mother to my daughter if I don't fully identify as her mother. But she knows she has another mother somewhere, and I have no right to expect that she won't identify with that relationship as well.

That probably made no sense whatsoever.

There's also that thing about mums, - they have a habit of putting their foot in it - but usually they mean well.

I wonder if some of the comments come from an assumption that birth relationships are easy and natural and therefore adoptive relationships are more at arms length. I think relationships that have to be nurtured can be a lot more rewarding when you see the work has paid off.

I often recomment a book "An Adoptive Parents Handbook" because its nice and thick and then applied liberally to the back of the offending persons head can really make you feel much better.

Try to tune it out because IME when you're in the early stages (even after adopting) you do feel a bit insecure and comments like this really tap into your own insecurities. Once you've totally cemented yourself into position you tend to find them amusing rather than irritating.

If you're lucky enough to have parents who fall totally in love with your child then they tend to look at you like you're mad if you repeat any comments like these back to them at a later date. History effectively gets rewritten!

I think the comments come from people thinking that adoption feels different to birth parenting and that its at the forefront of your mind 95% of the time. Which it probably is for the first year.

After that it generally assumes a size in your life which is relevant - quite big when you child is dealing with adoption related issues and almost unnoticeable when they're not.

OnetoFew- My husband and I did a Family and Friends as well but my SW came t my house and we had set up Skype for the family at home in Australia. They really valued it and felt part of the process.