What made you decide to adopt?

[Nancery]

Sorry if this has been done to death, this is my first time on the adoption threads.

I have one DS who is now two, am wondering about adopting if we decide to have another DC. I could biologically have another child, although it could admittedly be a nightmare due to an existing health issue (though that's not why I am wondering about adoption) but adoption also seems an interesting option to look into.

What was the decider for you?

Hi and welcome!

Adoption felt right

I'm sorry, that's probably not very helpful! But it just felt to me like the right way forwards. I was (still am) a single woman and so I didn't have a lot of options, but I didn't really want to explore the other options unless adoption was ruled out for me.

I did have lots of other good reasons for adopting, but it was a decision made with my gut feelings and heart as well as my head. I really wanted to be a mum to a child who needed one. I wanted to parent an older child ideally, and I knew that a few/some of these children really wanted to be adopted. I felt like I could definitely accept my child as they were and meet them where they were at. Having a child who shared my genes wasn't important to me, nor did I really want to experience pregnancy. To be honest, I still didn't know a lot, and I went in rather naive. I've never regretted my decision but it would have been such a benefit to be more prepared/knowledgable beforehand.

I think if you are just starting to think about it, it's best to do lots of research. Ask us anything you want about adoption, nothing is a stupid question The better you understand how adoption works and how it's different to having a birth child, the better position you are in to make a decision. It's also important to question yourself. There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to have a birth child and finding that important. So just be really honest with yourself about what you want, what is important to you, why you want to have another child, and whether what you find out about adoption fits in with you want in your family/whether you think are right for adoption. The more you explore, the more you'll probably start getting positive or negative feelings about each of your options.

As part of researching, if you want to explore adoption further, you can attend an information evening if one of the agencies near you is running one. There are a lot of books and blogs and websites out there, and us of course

Hi, we were in a similar situation I think - DS was not quite three when we started making 'official' enquiries into adoption, and we had no reason to think that we couldn't conceive again, but chose adoption instead.

From before DS was conceived (so when still TTC), we kind of knew that if we ever wanted DC2, we would very strongly consider adoption. So by the time my 'broodiness' became quite overwhelming (we had initially planned to wait longer before going about having DC2) we had gathered quite a lot of information already.

What nearly put us off, was that we worried that by the time we got round to applying to be assessed, I would be too old to conceive again, if it turned out that we couldn't adopt. So as I heard my biological clock ticking, I felt we had to pursue adoption now, or not at all - we couldn't put all eggs in one very uncertain basket, given that we really wanted to have another child at some point.

Our reasons to choose adoption over TTC again, can be seen in several parts - always assuming the basic point that we DID want to have another child:

1. No strong reason pro TTC, but some reasons against TTC

• We didn't feel any particular desire to relieve TTC, pregnancy, babyhood.
• We don't believe that genes make relations.
• We feel that in some ways, there are enough human beings on the planet and there is no call on us to create another one.

2. Some good reasons pro adoption

• Kids need families, we want more children, it's win/win.
• We thought at the time that timeframes would be more plan-able. So if we decided to TTC, then everything would depend on when we'd conceive, whereas by adopting, we would be able to affect when and how things were to happen (we were overly optimistic on this point...)

3. Reasonable confidence that we could be reasonably good adoptive parents

• First time round we had zero parenting experience and were afraid of jumping in on the deep side.
• With parenting DS, we intuitively moved to an attachment-focused style of parenting (not something we had even heard of before); and so many descriptions of the kind of parenting needed for AC, reminded us of what we were doing with BC anyway, so we felt that the demands of parenting an AC would be similarly intuitive to us.

4. Facing our worries over adoption, thus not allowing them to put us off

• We felt we would be going into the process with eyes wide open as to things like uncertainties, children having (identified or not) special needs, the demands of the approval process, the possibility of having to wait a long time for a match, not expecting a 'healthy, white, baby with no issues or uncertainties', potential effects on our BC, etc. etc.

I visited an orphanage in Romania in my twenties and just 24 short years later I adopted! In between I got married, had fertility treatment, had a baby, had more fertility treatment, had some more fertility treatment, had treatment with donor eggs and finally conceded defeat! We came to adoption as our only choice to have another child but it has been the best choice for us, although tough at times.

For you, you may find your child needs to be older before you start, some agencies/county councils or local council areas may probably take you with a two year old while others would ask you to wait so it may be worth finding out about that, as that may influence you.

It is good to get opinions but I really feel whatever other people's reasons you will only know yourself if you weigh up the pros and cons of what might work for you. Also I suggest you look at the kind of children in the looked after system where you are. There will need to be a two year gap at least between your older child and the adopted one and the process is currently taking about 6 months I believe so if you went through it now you may only be able to adopt a small baby, which may sound fine to you, but just check up what the uncertainties are etc.

An open evening is usually the first step to finding out more. For us it was at least two years from our first open evening to actually making the decision to adopt.

Good luck.

PS I am only 4 months in so not an experienced adopter.

Adoption is a massive commitment and for us we had no other option.

Without meaning to sound callous you need to be sure that in your darkest moments (and their could be many because raising an adopted child may not be easy, in fact it could be harder than anything you could imagine) you do not regret not having another birth child and then come to resent your adopted child.

You must decided if you are prepared to shatter your happy existence and bring an unknown into your life. We adopted one child and he was our first. We think we have had it easy with our son so far and there have been many times in the past nine months that we have been pushed to breaking point. We could barely look after ourselves and each other at times; trying to look after an existing child as well could have easily pushed us over the edge.

So if you think you can live with the consequences, manage the needs of your existing child, keep your head above water and have no regrets then adoption may be for you.

Please look on Adoption UK forum as there is a recent thread about adopting with birth children. You will read some very honest opinions.

Also, try getting hold of Adopting the Hurt Child and Primal Wounds. Both these books are a great way to understand what it means to adopt a neglected and/or abused child.

I hope I haven't come across as too preachy or negative - I'm just trying to be realistic. I just feel that those of us who have adopted have a responsibility to aid and educate those who are just starting out on their journey. Good luck.

Because I wanted to be a mother.

Three failed IUI courses and one failed IVF before deciding to give up. One surprise unassisted conception a year later which sadly ended in miscarriage at 9 weeks. One year of grieving for my lost pregnancy before deciding to adopt. My DS arrived a year and a half after we applied. DD about three years after that.

Best decision I ever made

Hi everyone - will read through your posts shortly but wanted to say thanks for responding, and that the delayed response is because I've been run off my feet all day!
Right, will get reading...

Thanks again, your responses have been brilliant.
I think, as much as you can in horse early stages, that adoption is something we want to explore because of many of the reasons 64x32x24 stated, I too have no overwheming desire to go through pregnancy / birth etc again, and the fact that the UK has so many children desperately needing a home and family really resonates with me. Particularly as I am a parent myself, I find the idea of children, through no fault of their own, not living with their birth families and instead 'going through the system' (for won't of a better phrase) heartbreaking.
I don't know if we are cut out for adoption at all, but I certainly think it it something to explore.

Hi Nancery

DH and I had always talked about adoption, and were clear we would go down that route rather than assisted conception if necessary. DS was conceived easily enough but was premature - no known reason. Two miscarriages later we decided on adoption to complete our family, and it was definitely the right thing for all of us. DD couldn't be more a part of our family if she had been born to us.

Oh, and neither of us are really "baby people" so skipping that stage was not particularly hard

I knew I couldn't have children from about 23 and I also knew that IVF was never going to be an option for me - I admire those that do it, I just couldn't.

So it was only ever going to be adoption for me, whoever I was with. Fortunately my husband was in favour of us trying to adopt, we were successful and now we have our wonderful girl!

We used to be foster carers and the long of short is sw are idiots and we wanted shot but still wanted to make a difference in a child's life

I'm desperate to be a mother. I met my DH at university when we were 18, we got married at 25 and TTC at 26. In the 10 years we were TTC I didn't fall pregnant even once. We had so many tests done and doctors could never pinpoint a reason for either of us. It just wasn't meant to be. I feel like we could give a child a very loving and supportive home. We decided to adopt as TTC wasn't working. We decided on an international adoption (Russia) as we had both visited Russia before and were aware of how dire the situation is in a lot of the orphanages. Russian orphans don't have much chance in life. We are due to bring our DD home in December!

I think our DS chose me! Was at his delivery as I was a midwife and out popped a Down's baby. Took him to NICU where I was working 3 months
later BP's said they didn't want him. I was so I approached SS and the rest is history.

Mind you that was 30+ years ago not sure it would happen nowadays