ignoramus asks: can it be straightforward/happy?

[sleeplessinderbyshire]

please excuse a post from a non adopter here.

Two different sets of friends are going through the adoption process. one couple we matched recently and their son came to live with them a week or so ago. Another couple are not as far on, dh is their referee and he meets the social worker in a fortnight.

I have no doubt both sets of parents will be wonderful parents but reading the stories on here has made me worry a lot. are there any (many) happy successful adoptions these days? I had several family friends who were adopted when I was growing up with no apparent problems and know a family socially who have two adopted daughters. on here there seem to be so many stories where it's been incredibly hard that I worry for my friends.

I'm rationalising this thinking that people for whom it is dead easy probably don't post here but I'm worried for then and have certainly had my eyes opened by this board (and I work in the nhs in a role where I see a number of child protection cases most months)

I wouldn't say that parenting DD is easy, but it isn't significantly harder than bringing up several other birth children I know amongst my friends and family, and overall she is so wonderful that for us adopting her to complete our family (we also have a birth child) was absolutely the right thing to do.

So yes, it can work even though modern adoption is sooooo different from back in the day.

It can be happy. We have had very challenging times and no doubt more to come but we are happy
Straightforward I would say no even if it is only because of the child's history and that there is another family involved
Even less straightforward when you consider the likelihood of the impact of drugs and alcohol on the child
Parenting an adopted child is so different from parenting a birth child

We are only a few months in but I would echo FamiliesShareGerms.

We also have a birth child.

I think your friends will have had all the preparation etc and may well have discussed and read lots which they do not always share with wider friends. Hopefully they will have their eyes opened to the possible issues and will be ready for the issues to impact their life.

I think for those of us who choose to adopt we do so nowadays knowing the possibilities and these mumsnet boards have really helped me to be:
aware of potential issues
take the seriously
not be utterly put off
know where to get support and ideas for help from

I am not sure if you are worried for them or just curious but I would certainly point them in the direction of these boards and say if you have found them useful.

I am not sure if it would be a good idea or not to discuss your concerns with friends. Certainly, if they have already adopted I would not share any concerns as they will already be living their new life as a family but you could be a listening ear for them if they need to/want to talk.

As far as the family where your husband is a referee for the couple then I would say it can be helpful for a referee to talk things through with the person/couple before filling in the form. What is actually written on the form is confidential but sometimes referees can get a better idea of everything by chatting to the prospective adopter.

Another one here with an adopted child and a birth child. I agree that adoption is rarely straightforward. But that doesn't mean it isn't happy.

I think when you adopt you have to accept you will be dealing with stuff you wouldn't be handling with a birth child. Some of it is raw, and scary, and sad. Sometimes it can be really hard to feel you're doing a good job.

But that doesn't necessarily make it an unsuccessful adoption. My dd has become challenging to parent. She is defiant, angry and aggressive. She is also hugely loving, loveable, funny and quirky. I love the bones of her. I think our adoption is successful because she is bonded to us and we love each other and she is far better off than if she had not been adopted. Life would be calmer and quieter without her but I don't for one second regret becoming her mum.

There are families whose lives have been torn apart by the challenges posed, and faced by, adopted children. I'm not saying it's always worth it. But I think most of the posters on here would say both that parenting an adopted child is challenging and sometimes difficult, and also that they consider this a successful adoption.

I do know where you're coming from: before I adopted, I think I too thought that good adoption = hassle-free adoption, indistinguishable from birth children. But now I feel differently.

I agree with the others

It isn't often very straightforward in my experience, no. Most (not all, but most) adopted children and young adults I know, do have additional needs to a greater or a lesser degree because of their early lives/background. Sometimes they don't impact on family life much, sometimes they do.

But that doesn't mean you can't be happy as a family, even if things aren't straightforward. I certainly can't think of any families I know that never have any happy days whatsoever. I DO know families who are happy with their children who have additional needs and challenges.

I've had incredibly challenging times, but I don't regret adopting my wonderful children. I also know that my adoptions have been successful. Success doesn't mean everything being easy, and success doesn't mean I've never struggled, because God knows I have. It means that my older children have reached adulthood in a safe and loving home with a mum of their own, the biggest chance they could have had to reach their potential. It mens that they consider me their mum, and it means that I remain committed to them forever. That's success. I appreciate that other people define success in different ways, what with it being a rather subjective word! But for me, it just means a legally completed adoption, committed parents and a belief that you are a family for good (whatever your circumstances)

To be honest, I think internet forums just aren't many people's 'thing' whatever their situation! I do tend to start threads of my own when things aren't so easy, and don't start threads saying 'everythings going fine'. On the other hand, when things are at their worst, often I just drop off and stop using the forum for a few days because it's too much. Personally I think this forum has a pretty broad spectrum of situations, from those whose kids have few needs to those of us whose kids have more significant ones. In fact, we have few parents in the most difficult situations, they tend to congregate on one specific forum which isn't this one.

PS. I think having a friend who cares about you enough to research adoption and read adopters forums is great! Support from friends who have some understanding of how modern adoption works can make the approval/matching process much easier, and a listening ear really help later on in parenting as well

sleeplessinderbyshire I just watched this...

It's from America, it is trans racial adoption and she is a single gay adopter so not necessarily anything like your friends' situations BUT it is totally inspiring.

Very happy - and what you need to remember is that people tend to post when they are hitting issues not when everything is going fantastically well. And every family will have issues when parenting. With adoptive families though you know that there will be some issues that are unique because of the circumstances which led to your child leaving their birth family or because they are suffering the emotional impact of the loss of that family. Few of us have a wide or close circle of adoptive families in 'the real world' - hence the need to reach out on a forum for that friendship and support. So we post when we have particular questions related to parenting our adopted child(ren), not because it is (at least for me) worse, more stressful, more difficult etc but because here you get people who understand why being adopted can add an additional layer of need and who have had experience of the same. So much as a parent of a child with dyslexia will look for practical and emotional support from parents who have 'been there and done that' so too will adoptive parents.

If you were to look at the primary and secondary education threads here on MN you might get the impression that our schools are full of bullies (children and teachers!!), incompetence, competitive parents stalking the playground and that the most important thing in the world is tutoring a 4 year old for the 11+ (that last may be true of the home counties ;) Again, people don't tend to simply post to say 'my child had an average, normal, problem free day with their lovely, normal, problem free classmates and teacher'. So it is a skewed view of the world.

So basically my point here is that a MN thread on any topic is always going to give a one sided or one dimensional view of something which can be alarming but is not fully reflective of day to day normality.

I just want to second what Italian Greyhound said. How lovely of the OP to think this much/be that supportive of your friends x

Absolutely happy problem free adoption of two children! Both adopted as 10 month old babies.

We have the odd issue relating to the fact that the children are adopted but what parents don't have the odd problem to sort out with their kids?

www.bristol.ac.uk/sps/research/projects/completed/2002/rk5822/rk5822executivesummary.pdf

In this report (after about 10 years or so of adoption) 1/3 families described family life as happy and settled with few problems, 1/3 a mixture of struggles and conflicts but also rewards and evident progress, and a further 1/3 problems in many spheres, with few or no rewards and with behaviour difficulties escalating or no signs of progress.

Of course, you have to say what is 'success' and when do you measure it?

I know several families who moved rapidly between the above categories - in either direction, several years into family life. Puberty can change things radically, but then as the brain doesn't mature until the mid-20s and often early abuse/neglect slows development, some parents find that in their late teens or 20s their children mature and stabilize.

There are some suggestions that early problems at least give an opportunity for early intervention - depending whether services are locally available. Some LAs deny and minimize problems, some recognize that specialist post-adoption services can work out cheaper in the end (remember though that more and more budget cuts are being made).

Certainly adoptive parents choosing an older child with known special needs often report more 'happiness' - partly because their expectations are formed with a greater degree of knowledge about the child's difficulties, but also because the child is more likely to come with an appropriate and agreed package of care - the LA recognizes that if they want the child adopted instead of in long-term (expensive) foster care then they need to support the adoption. If an 'easy to place' baby turns out to have that level of need it is unlikely that the family would get the same level of service without a lot of fighting...

But then an 'easy to place' baby may turn out to be a straightforward child/teen/adult...

By the way - that report looked specifically at 'older' adoptions i.e. the 3-11 year old range.

PS! Which are generally thought to be more 'risky' and have a greater degree of difficulty and greater degree of trauma pre-adoption. of course, that is a sweeping generalization!

My older daughter had good early years with birth mother, before circumstances caused BM's life to go off the rails. She only came into care aged 10, and is (on the whole!) settled, doing well at school, confident and well-balanced (5 years on). her younger sister (aged 2 when coming into care) has had far more difficulties, though now seems to be over the worst and is also doing well.