Contact with birth mother, should I give up?

[anotherrandomname]

A few years ago I made contact with my BM and another member of my birth family. Due to some very big life changes (and a bout of depression), I didn't reply to a letter that my BM sent me. I did send a letter about 18 months ago via social services but didn't get a reply.

Now that I'm back in a happier and more positive state I would like to get back in contact with my birth family.
My BM is in long term residential care and due to her health isn't very communicative but another member of my birth family has kindly given me her address. I have sent her a letter but it is apparently unlikely that she will reply. I also have the telephone number of the home that she is living in but I am worried that a phone call might be a bit too out of the blue as we only exchanged letters previously.

Should I wait to see whether she replies to my letter and if not give her a ring? Or should I just leave it if she doesn't reply? Does anyone else have experience of a similar situation?

Do you want to make contact? Could the person who gave you her address speak to her and ask if you may phone her?

Does she have a care worker at the home that you could talk to? They might speak to her on your behalf to break the ice so that you can then speak to her directly at an agreed time. No experience but good luck.

If you give up you might regret it in the future.
Would you not like to visit? Could the other family member ask your BM if that would be okay?
I'm an adoptee myself and made contact with my BM so I do understand.
I wouldn't let an opportunity to keep contact going slip through my fingers, life is short.

You say when you first made contact, your BM sent you a letter (to which you didn't reply due to current circumstances). What was the tone of that letter? I'm not asking you to tell us here - just that it might give you some indication as to how much (or not) your BM desires to be in touch/talk to you/see you.

I would think (but may be wrong) that if her health makes it hard for her to write to you, I wouldn't take the lack of a reply to your new attempt as a definite 'no'. If her earlier reply indicated a general interest in being in touch, I would take that as a start. If she has been waiting for you to start contact, presumably she has been waiting many many years - those few years added to the end there, won't have made a major difference. That's what I'd base my thoughts on, whilst being aware that it is to some extent just speculation.

Good luck, I hope it turns out all right.

Thanks for your replies. Maybe asking one of her care worker or the family member that I'm in contact with to sound her out about it would be a good idea. I think that I'm still hoping that she will reply to my letter but I know that it's a long shot given her condition.

I just don't want to make her condition worse or have her feeling like I'm pestering her. After losing a close family friend and almost losing a close member of my family over the last few years, I don't want to leave it too late.

Thanks Jackie, it's good to know that there are other adoptees that understand the situation.