Newbie question about anxiety / depression and adoption

[murielspark]

Hi all,

I have a question, and I'm feeling really stuck about it. I wondered if anyone could give me advice. In a nutshell, I don't know what to do about my anxiety problem.

Quick background: I'm infertile, but have a fair amount of prodding and probing ahead before I can call it quits, put it behind me, and focus on adoption. But my (multiple) fertility issues mean that I realistically may never have a biological child. As such, I'm thinking more and more about adoption. (I started a thread on here a few months back with a couple of newbie questions, and got some lovely responses, for which thanks).

That is in the future though - a couple of years at least - and I find myself, in the present, trying to cope with an anxiety problem and (probably) depression. I think the depression is a consequence of the anxiety, so I'm focusing on the latter as the main issue here. I've never been on medication for anxiety before, haven't mentioned it to any Dr, and so haven't been diagnosed. But it's having a big + negative effect on my life at the moment, and I desperately want rid of it. I've tried to do it on my own, but I somehow haven't been able to find the necessary strength.

The problem: I'm worried that if I go to my Dr about it, it'll go down on my permanent file and will be a huge red flag to any social worker down the line, and that it will ruin my chance of being approved to adopt. This is pretty much the only thing that has stopped me from seeking help. I'm horrified by the notion that I could be squandering the last chance I might have of becoming a parent, just to fix a problem that I might well have been able to fix on my own, given time and persistance.

Will having an anxiety disorder / medication / therapy marked down on my medical file endanger my chances of adopting in the future?

Please be honest. I know that my current health is more important than future hypotheticals, but the idea that I might be squandering my hopes isn't going to do much for my current health and happiness either, so I need to be really careful here.

(And fwiw, before I had this anxiety problem, I was a perfectly happy and capable person, and I like to think I would go back to being that way if the problem was fixed. In other words, I'm not 'naturally' anxious, and I don't believe it would affect my parenting ability once treated. But obviously I can't prove that, and a social worker could easily just take it as evidence that I can't cope with stressful situations, or something).

Thanks in advance for any responses.

Hi there Murielspark I have had problems of anxiety/depression for over 20 years and take daily medication for this and will continue to do so. I was honest and upfront with the Adoption Team from the start and they paid for a report from a psychiatrist to confirm that I could go ahead with adopting. All was fine.

I would say that until recent years being on antidepressant medication stopped one from being considered for adoption in some areas but people are much more open minded about such things generally and I believe many women who have fertility problems have needed medication to get through so this is a common scenario.

If you are suffering from anxiety/depression you must seek help and if you are given some medication it will stay on your file but the GP who will carry out a Health Examination and submit a report as part of the adoption process will say whether this is a reactionary depression or endogenous depression which is more likely to be a returning problem.

Basically if they let me through with my long history I'd say go for it.

Many many thanks for that ShootingStars, that has taken a huge weight off my shoulders I'm really pleased to hear that it has worked out for you. I'm relieved too to hear that this is not so uncommon amongst women with fertility problems - it's sad, but knowing I'm not alone is consoling. I'll make a Dr's appointment tomorrow and see what happens. Thanks so much.

I take meds for depression and anxiety and it makes me a better parent, not a worse one. The fact that you admit you have a problem and are willing to seek help is a positive thing.

dp and I both have histories of depression, and dp was on meds when we adopted. No problem, though as dp had had a fairly significant episode relatively recently, she needed a psychiatrist's report.

I think social workers will recognise that battling with fertility is enough to bring even the toughest woman down sometimes! Absolutely you must take care of yourself now. If you feel it would help, get counselling too to help you resolve the painful feelings.

In two years time, or whenever you move forward, you can explain this time as an almost inevitable result of your fertility issues. Your self-awareness and resourcefulness meant you recognised that you were struggling without outside help, so you sought that outside help. The meds helped you feel stable and strong enough to work through and resolve the painful feelings you were experiencing. Obviously you would prefer not to have needed medical intervention, but it was the right thing to do at the time and you feel it has made you a stronger, more self-aware and self-accepting person.

You don't need to be a superwoman to adopt. You do need to be resilient, compassionate (to yourself and others) and resourceful. Seeking medical help at this time is a demonstration of all three.

Best of luck.

Hi, I just thought I would add lots of Social Workers say when they are looking at Adopters they are not looking for perfect people and know that we all come with baggage etc. They look for people who have known problems and have dealt with them appropriately and positively and can show they can learn from their experiences and this gives the Social Workers the evidence they need that as an adopter you have the strength and resilience to stick with an adopted child with their issues and show that resilience.

Omg, thank you everybody. Devora, thank you, those last two paragraphs have made my day - I've been worrying so much about whether seeking help is the right thing to do, and reading your words have made everything seem all right again, and have given me so much confidence in my decision.

That goes to you too, LastingLight and ShootingStars.

I went to the Dr yesterday, and she was lovely and understanding, and I've now started taking meds. She offered CBT too, but I actually wanted to just stick to the meds for now; my plan is to hopefully feel more confident and stabilised once the meds kick in, which will allow me to join in with all the activities I want to do but which my anxiety is currently stopping me from doing, and as I start to participate in these more my confidence will build, good habits will start to replace bad ones, and I can gradually get back to being myself.

The Dr repeated what many of you have said - that anxiety and depression issues are common with fertility patients, and so are common in prospective adopters. There I was thinking I needed a suit of armour and a perfect record. Thanks everyone for setting me straight