LGBT Adoption

[StyleCommander]

So, I'm a gay guy, and not getting any younger (26), my significant other is 46, however he already has 2 daughters and a grand daughter. I Being an 'adoptee' so to speak, and with the world in the state it's in with children being passed from pillar to post constantly, I was wondering, what would my chances be of being able to adopt, preferably 5 or below, though this isn't set in stone?

My other half says he's done his bit and doesn't want anymore kids, however, I reckon with a little persuasion (and bribery), I could win him over. Both of us are financially sound, together or apart, so that's one of the biggest issues sorted, however, I was wondering if any of you had any opinions/experiences on whether I would be doing the right thing.

I'm sure as a single man your chances of successfully adopting would be much higher than if you are in a relationship with someone who doesn't want anymore children.

Do you know of any local adoption agencies? They run information sessions - might be worth contacting them and going along to the next one.

I live in Spain at the minute, so I'd have no chance of understanding anyway as my Spanish isn't great. I was hoping really to adopt through the English system and then get them settled in Spain. I just feel that the time is now right for me to properly settle down and set up my own family (without having to deal with pregnancy pains, contractions and cravings!)

If you look at the National Adoption register's annual report, 4% of their prospective adopters were male couples (plus 1% single males.) That was 41 male adopters total (of 897 total number of adopters.) Also there were 5 mactches of children with a male couple and 5 more matches with a single male, so 10 in total. (From a total of 325 children matched.)

So not a huge number, but certainly existing and more than a one-off fluke. My advice would be to press on and not be discouraged, unconventonal adopters can and do get approved, it might take more of a fight though. (For example I myself tick not one but two booxes that normally stop people from getting assessed, and it took ius a year of fighting, but we did get approved last month.)

As an aside, did you see the recent ITV documentary, "A Family of my Own?" There was an amazing male couple on there that had adopted a number of times, they were my favourite couple of the whole show, so down to earth and loving. These guys:
www.stokesentinel.co.uk/Stoke-Trent-sex-couple-share-adoption-story/story-21038923-detail/story.html

Good luck!

I think living in Spain would be more of a problem than being a man in my experience... Unless you plan to move back to the UK for a while?
Alternatively you could look at the legal framework for adoptions, domestic and international, in Spain?

The Spanish legal system is full of contradictions, plus, everything is 'tomorrow, tomorrow'. The main idea is to spend most of the year out here, and during holidays spend in the UK with family etc. However, 12 - 18 months in the UK wouldn't hurt so I could work out teething problems and ensure we are compatible.

Sorry this has got to be quick reply, i'm trying to eat a sandwich and type at the same time. I'm a lesbian single adopter btw

You won't be able to adopt an unrelated child from the UK unless you live in the UK. Do you have plans to move back? If you live in Spain, you will have to go through the Spanish system. If a domestic adoption in Spain isn't an option, I think there are one or two countries that allow international adoption to gay couples, the USA does.

The other issue is your partner not wanting more kids. As a couple, you BOTH need to be absolutely on board and happy with adoption. Convincing a partner to adopt is a recipe for serious problems down the road. How will he cope if a child had additional needs or behavioural issues (which are extremely common with children adopted from institutions or removed from chaotic and abusive home environments) if adoption wasn't what he wanted anyway? I'm saying this having seen enough relationships break down post adoption because one of the couple didn't want to try and cope any more.

Good point Lilka, and thanks for the reply, enjoy your sandwich!

I've always said I'll be the hands on one, from dirty nappies to night feeds, all the other half has to do is ensure there's money in the bank and food on the table so I can spend as much time as needed to look after the little one(s), being a hairdresser, I can always earn money, however, life would be a little easier if I didn't have to work every hour god can send while looking after an adventurous and mischievous toddler.

As Lilka said, assuming that you can work round the Spain/UK issue the main thing is that you both need to be up for having children through adoption.

As you are currently part of a couple you can't be assessed as a single adopter unless you plan to end your relationship (and that might also ring alarm bells for Social Services). It's fine (and common) that one of you would plan to be the main caregiver and that the other would therefore be less hands on, but regardless of this you would both need to go through the assessment process and convince social services that you both want to be parents together.

The assessment really is very comprehensive including weekly interviews with you both, and they would also want to know about (and possibly meet) your partner's existing children. No stone is left unturned! We've not yet been approved but we just had our report back and it contains 24,000 words so that should give you some idea of just how much they want to know about you!

Good luck if you decide to go ahead with it :-)

24,000 words?! Good God! I remember my parents telling me that my adoption was problematic, but for goodness sake. I think I may save them the energy and find a surrogate. Why is it, those who want children get vetted like criminals yet some people simply look at the bedroom door and are pregnant with no questions asked?

Haha - there's probably a lot of people on here that would agree with you!

I would say though that I personally haven't found the process too gruelling, and that the more you look into adoption today the more you realise how different it is to having your own baby where there is no issues with attachment disorder, foetal alcohol syndrome etc.

I think it used to be less different in the past when more children were given up to social services voluntarily, but these days the vast majority of children are in care because of neglect or abuse, and so they have additional needs that have to be accommodated.

Not that I'm an expert at all in this sort of thing- still learning myself, but I do actually think there needs to be a decent preparation period leading up to adopting so that you truly understand what you're getting into!

If this isn't for you then maybe surrogacy would be a better option as you suggest. Good luck with it either way

Not that I'm saying anything different to below but just got approved and your relationship will be assessed, you both will need to want to adopt 100% and both be 100% committed to doing the raising, even if one of you is the main carer, if not you won't get approved. They do scrutinise a lot but once you do all the courses and realise what these children have been through ( do not underestimate this!) before they get to your loving arms you realise why they want to be 100% convinced on everything, to ensure the children only need 2 chances in life to get a happy family not more, because the fact they have to have 2 chances is sad enough. Personally I say don't rule it out, research it some more, speak to your partner and then reassess And as for the report written about you, before that we had to complete a 50 page book about us..
lots of paperwork, understandable as it is. Gotta go, late back from lunch!

Thank you Enigma, you've given me some food for thought. Although I don't mind a child with additional needs, such as attachment or AFS, hell, I'll have a fellow Aspie, I just feel that the time is right for me to start settling down and being the one someone can depend on. Plus, if I do end up with a child with Asperger/Autism, I'm half way there to understanding them.

I'm sure that with your background as an adopted child, plus any other experiences in your life (we all have something that marks us out as different in some way) there's probably a lot of understanding that you could bring to being an adopted parent, and SS would recognise and appreciate this. As silverlings says, do continue to mull it over. There are a lot of children out there that need loving homes and it doesn't sound like any of the things that you initially listed are insurmountable

Having a child, by whatever means, with a partner who doesn't support you 100% is a very unwise move TBH

Having a child, contrary to what you might think doesn't not bring you closer together. It put any relationship under stress and any crack show up pretty quickly . Adopting is much more stressful and difficult than having a bio child and you are much more likely to have a child with SN of some description.

So you and your OH need to both be agreed on this. It's only natural to have some reservations about the process, bonding etc. but if he's dead set against having more kids, it's not going to work . It's not one of these issues a couple can compromise on -there's no middle ground between having kids and not having kids

I was about to say what Kristina said - if your OH doesn't want children, persuading him to adopt is possibly the worst thing to do for you, him and the child. Sorry

Totally agree with your partner having to be at least 99% on board.

I understand that adoption domestically in Spain is incredibly difficult anyway so your option is either to adopt intercountry from US, be resident in UK to adopt or birth child.

I think StyleCommander you need to think this through a lot in terms of your partner. If he does not want any more children what would that mean for you and the child if you were able to adopt (I feel sure you would not be able to if your partner is not on board) but anyway .... Your partner might want to go out for a drink or meal in the evening, but you are 'stuck in' with your child. It may be a long while before the child feels safe enough to be left with a babysitter.

Babies, toddlers and older children do not just exist in a small space, they stretch out and take over! Quickly you find their toys all over the house, their clothes all over the house, their TV programms on TV! It just happens and although some people I know manage to 'contain' them to some degree, they just spread out! So the adults in the house need to not mind CBEEBIES on TV (sometimes) and not to need too much peace and quiet. Even if you are caring for baby's needs, your partner will now they are there and although you may hope they will get drawn into the world of the baby/child, and they might they may also not get drawn in, and could end up resenting the child for changing your home and your relationship.

What about the child's feelings living in a home with one parent who wants them and one who does not? Already feeling neglected and rejected (possibly) having lost a birth family and at least one foster family how will they feel if their new family does not 100% want them.

I do not think this is anything about your being a male, or a male couple, it is about adopting as a couple you must be on the same page together. This may well break up your relationship and you may be left choosing between your partner and your child.

Sorry if that sounds hard. You are young and you have a lot of life ahead of you I am sure. I think you need to choose/decide what you really want and maybe things will change and your partner will totally change his mind, but if he does not change his mind you can't change it for him and it would be unfair to you and him and most of all to a child to bring a child into a home where they were not really wanted by both parents.

Good luck and really truly hear me when I say you are young, you may find life changes and you can adopt up to about age 50 plus so you have plenty of time to be that dependable person at a stage where you are in the right situation for it to happen.

Could you get child care experience now to help you later, and be dependable for someone, some kids who need you? A mentor for children with Asperger's or gay teenagers etc? You obviously want to give a lot and you will be able to find a whole host of ways to do that, and you have plenty of time to work out what is right and when.

For what it is worth I desperately wanted a baby at 17 but actually became a mum for the first time at 39. I do not now regret waiting, I had more to offer at 39 then 17 (no offence to anyone who became a mum or dad at 17!).

Bless you.