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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

For any of you who have been to panel

6 replies

Rockclimber12 · 08/07/2014 18:08

Hello there
We got our panel date in 3and a bit weeks and have heard from our agency about questions we might get asked on the day. We decided to adopt after losing 4 pregnancies, last 18 months have been really rough because we lost one at 23 weeks and antoher at 16 weeks. Being asked why we dont want carry on TTC naturally rather than choose to adopt. Isnt it obvious? Sad Anyone else adopt after miscarriages? Would really appreciate your thoughts? Big thanks

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flowerpowerlondon · 08/07/2014 18:47

Hi Rockclimber

goodluck for panel!!! We had had a similar history alongside 7 IVF's but had not done any for almost 5 years. Our sw really covered it with us in depth through stage one/two to make sure we had fully moved on and dealt with it. It was not mentioned at our panel maybe due to the gap since our last ivf/s and miscarriages. I suspect they will want to make sure you have had counselling / accepted and resolved that you will not have bio children and are fully committed to adoption. I doubt your sw would be taking you to panel if they had any concerns you had not dealt with the emotions and grief of your losses along with being in the right place to adopt. Try not to worry and if it should come up show your have sought help, found acceptance and are ready for a new chapter in your life with adoption. Best of luck!!!

Micromanage · 08/07/2014 21:33

Our panel didn't ask us any 'hard' questions. Before we entered the room our SW was asked the difficult stuff which we had obviously discussed during the home study.
I think a lot, if not most adopters come to adoption after a long journey through infertility and as long as your SW can evidence that you've dealt with your grief and are ready to move on then you shouldn't have any problems.
Good luck

64x32x24 · 08/07/2014 22:12

Yes it is 'obvious' and might very well not come up. But if it does, I suppose it wouldn't be very good for you to not be able to give a calm, reasoned answer. That's why they warn you - so you don't get caught out. You might feel angry that they think it's necessary to ask you this obvious question, or upset that they need to bring your losses up again - and your response would reflect that anger or that upset. If you're expecting the question, it is much easier to just answer it calmly and rationally.

We were asked what we thought about having any more children in the future, and if we'd try TTC or adopting, if we did decide we wanted more (despite this very question being spelled out, and answered, in our PAR). I think that's another one it helps to be prepared for. I think any answer indicating that you would first of all consider the needs of any children already in your family, can't go amiss.

And yes, unlike micromanage, our panel DID ask us hard questions. The format was quite a bit different to what I was expecting from reading this forum!

Jennifersrabbit · 08/07/2014 22:40

Very sorry for your losses. Recurrent losses here including one at 20 weeks.

I don't see why the explanation that you are less likely to carry a pregnancy to term, don't wish to endure further losses and are now ready to move forward with your lives and become parents by adoption, should be a problem. That was all we said as far as I can remember.

Best of luck at panel.

Italiangreyhound · 08/07/2014 23:54

Rockclimber so sorry for your experiences, which sound really terrible and must be very upsetting to have to explain how you feel.

Agree with others here.

Also, just remember that the panel have a 'duty of care' (my words, not sure what they would call it) to the child/children you may be matched with in future. That duty of care is to make sure as flowerpowerlondon says that you have moved on and are ready for adoption as the next phase in your life.

As you know the child/children you will be matched with will have experienced a great loss, the loss of birth parent/s and probably foster parents too. They will be grieving for these losses and you will need to be the strong one. No one would blame you for not feeling strong after all you have been through, but the social workers and panel will need to know you can handle parenting a child in these circumstances and your own losses will not jeopardise the new placement. So the questions are to get this all out in the open and not to torment you.

I only had one early miscarriage and it was early and long ago, so for me it is not such an issue to talk about it but I did have a lot of failed IVF treatment where I experienced that rollercoaster of emotions of wondering if I was pregnant only to find I was not each time. It did take a while to get over that and to feel OK about all that had happened. I ahve a birth daughter and so I know I am very lucky but I was very keen to be pregnant again and each failure felt very hard. At our initial meetings with social workers I cried when I talked about it. Now I feel more comfortable and can talk without getting upset.

Now our new son (aged 3) is with us through adoption and he keeps me busy. Our birth dd has been a handful since his arrival. It is good that the sadness of years of expensive treatment is out of the way and in the past but I am glad that I was made to wait when we first asked about adoption, and that we really had to know the treatment was in the past. I may still smile when I see a tiny baby but I don't wish my new son was a tiny baby. It would be very hard to parent him if I still longed for that (in my case) imaginary new baby.

I agree with flowerpowerlondon that I don't think the social workers would have put you forward for panel if they did not feel you were ready. But the panel may just need to explore this with you. It does feel cruel but I think it is for very valid reasons. Panel time is quite short usually, and I certainly felt when I was there with my dh that everyone in the room was trying to ask questions in a nice way, no one wanted to 'catch me out' and at the end when we were approved I felt a real warmth from everyone as they congratulated us. I really hope you will also feel the sensitivity of the group (it must be quite hard asking strangers these personal questions) and that you too will feel their warmth when all goes well. Best of luck.

Rockclimber12 · 09/07/2014 19:02

Thank you all of you for taking the time to reply. Like you, ours has not been a smooth journey at all to parenthood and we feel like we have invested so much in the process, we really are hoping that we will be approved. I made the time to go to see a counsellor for a few months and found that this really helped me process things in my head.
Really pleased I found this forum, sending you all happy wishes.

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