Hello,
I wondered if you could pick the bones of something and offer some new information or studies on it that you might know of. It is a very long post and may be upsetting for those experiencing problems with their children (emotional/mental health).
I'm not a new mumsnetter, but a bit of a lurker sometimes, and have commented a couple of times on the adoption forum as an adopted child (now adult). This question is personal, but also with interest from a wider aspect (my sister, other people I know or may come to know). I've done quite a bit of reading myself, having had mental health problems, studied psychology and - partly because of these - having an interest in trying to get myself well, learn more or find the root of those illnesses, but I'm struggling to find reliable info on this (most seem to be awful newspaper articles or very results biased).
I was adopted at 4 months old, but in many ways showed emotional difficulties of a child who had been developed at a later age. This was 1991 (born 90), my parents had no follow up help and only limited information swinging between "She might look cute now, but she'll grow up just like her birth mum" and "A baby doesn't bear the brunt of any lasting effects".
I don't want to go into everything here, but I have always felt it was me. I was the problem. I was on the adoption register (Birth Mother's choice) before birth and two previous full siblings were kept. I am trying to learn through therapy this isn't the case, but it still continues to be a struggle to change that thought. My parents were young and had little money.
I am lucky enough to know my birth dad, one half-sibling on his side, and two full siblings plus having met my neice and nephew. The stories behind my birth and adoption are complicated, however, and I am currently trying to get hold of my file - as you probably know it takes months even with lots of info from you as the child - to see if it can clear anything up (for me, I do not want any family to feel uncomfortable over this).
My adopted sister, though, is from a different birth family. She has was adopted at about 6 months and struggled from the word go with close relationships. Once she could form them, she never displayed full emotion to those outside of these bonds. She now seems to have strong and hysterical emotion for boyfriends which - despite calming since hitting 19 - can still reach hysterical stages. She also tends to block out our family in order to continue our relationships. She barely spoke a word for 5 years in the home, though unlike selective mutism, was not mute at school. She shut herself away and [may be triggering] displayed self-harm, both shallow and deeper (but no stitches to my knowledge) cuts across her arms and legs, making herself mute and restricting her food openly.
She kept a picture of her birth mother under her pillow throughout her teenage years, I don't know if she still does.
As soon as I was old enough to have a 'chosen name' offered to me, I switched to my birth name. I used it on Facebook and it was actually at 17, a few months previous to my 18th birthday that I found my birth family. My sister has rejected all previous names and goes by a nickname I gave her as a baby with a new spelling (no surname when possible) since she got the option.
I also had secretive self-harm issues (sometimes cuts requiring medical intervention which were then noticed), Anorexia Nervosa with secretive behaviours) and have heard voices from a young age while also experiencing mood difficulties (also remained secret until much later). I suffered and do suffer with separation anxiety while my sister cannot or possibly does not form the relationships to allow this anxiety to occur. I am diagnosed as Schizo-affective Disorder (Bipolar Type) and, after multiple misdiagnosis find this fits well, am definitely not the BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) that doctors currently seem to automatically associate with adopted children - the only symptom, that is not fully interchangeable with other illnesses, that I fit is fear of loss and it does not cause me to act irrationally. I know many people who are however, and would almost guarantee my sister's problems lie within this.
We both showed exhibition of abnormal behaviours within what is supposed to fit an adopted child, the same problems on either end of the scale (some I have not gone into) including self-harm and eating issues which involve inability to express emotion on a 'normal' scale (or feeling an emotion which cannot be expressed 'normally') and control. Yet we were adopted before the age in which our parents were told we would be affected by our adoption. Developmentally, my sister showed and continued to develop amazing expression through physical (fine) art and I developed and progressed in language (and social understandings) very early, being able to hold appropriate sentence conversations at two and having memories around this age that are very strong.
Genetic factors do of course come into it, especially with my diagnosis, but with my behaviour and her's I feel a lot of it is classic to an adopted child and the emotional problems they may face. Are there any studies that show this? Has anyone found their child or a child they know has displayed these emotional problems after adoption at such an early age. Do babies adopted continue to have problems into later life? Do they develop different thought processes?
Thank you if you have reached this far. It's a long winded explanation for a shorter question, but I'm really asking for your help in understanding here.