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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

A tough one

15 replies

Catlover2014 · 02/07/2014 16:07

Hello all,

Just done my first day of volunteering at a children's centre so I can get some experience of working with children before we start the adoption process.

It was a parent and toddler session and I really enjoyed it but I did feel sad at times (been ttc for a long time and have mc'd twice this year).

I guess what I want to ask is will the placement get easier and will it help if we do go onto adopt? It's something a SW recommended but now I'm slightly having second thoughts...

XX

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Moomoomie · 02/07/2014 16:38

I think the fact you are having theses feelings is good, it is all part of the grieving process and the preparation to adopt.
I'm sure it will get better in time, and it can only help you in the long term.

Kewcumber · 02/07/2014 16:42

I can't say whether it will make a difference to your home study or not although a social worker might question whether you are ready if you can't yet cope with spending time with parents and young children.

IF it helps at all, I did find the adoption process very healing when it came to dealing with my infertility - my home study in particular. I had never been in a room before of people who (predominantly) were in the same boat as me. We had some of the most honest convo's I've had about failing to get pregnant.

I have never "got over" my infertility. Adoption didn't cure it although it did put it in perspective and although I must confess to the odd twinge of regret when I see very young babies occasionally, I truly don;t wish my life was any different now. I know that wasn;t what you asked exactly!

Catlover2014 · 02/07/2014 16:54

Hi kew thanks for sharing your experience. I'm totally not ready to adopt yet and haven't applied (last mc was only 2 months ago). We are just taking some small steps this year and next to hopefully prepare us for the full thing.

Thanks moo I think you're right it will help in the long run. I love children so much and I am sure the placement will do me good. Just taking it a week at a time I guess!

X

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Italiangreyhound · 02/07/2014 17:22

Catlover2014 I am sorry to hear of your miscarriages, they are always painful and difficult to deal with and a very personal tragedy.

One thing I found so hard when I had my one miscarriage may years ago was the fact that as it was so early hardly anyone knew I was expecting, so I could not really talk to anyone about it much, which for me made it seem harder, like it had almost not happened.

This has been hard for you and I do think it will get better, just my opinion.

I think being able to be around pregnant women and young babies is a very useful skill if you have a child placed through adoption.

My situation is a bit different because we have a birth child and I did do the pregnancy thing, although my pregnancy was fraught with problems, including almost miscarrying and a complicated birth. I did really want another birth child and struggled with having many friends who all went on to produce number two or even number three.

For you, once you do adopt these experiences might have some small value. And if the social worker has recommended this then I do think it will be helpful to do, in that not doing it may look like you are not fully engaging.

Also, soon as you enter that world of toddler groups or pre school or school, or whatever with your new child, you will find you are surrounded by people who have kids and are having more kids. It is hard to avoid them! I know lots of people who had four kids and one managed to have three in the time I was trying to have my second! My second has now arrived (by adoption) and I am again in that preschool and toddler setting where I am surrounded by shiny bumps and tiny babes. I did manage to get over the sadness of not having another baby and it does make it much easier to mix with these mums, who have three year old kids I want my new child to have the chance to mix with.

So I guess what I am saying is that although it is hard I do think it has value.

Italiangreyhound · 02/07/2014 17:28

Sorry Catlover2014 I have just seen that you are not adopting yet so please adjust my post accordingly, e.g. when I said soon as you enter that world of toddler groups or pre school or school I mean whenever that happens (if you adopt).

All best wishes.

Catlover2014 · 02/07/2014 17:33

Thanks Italian I do think it will be good experience to get. How's your bab settling in?

Breaks my heart to know I'll probably never be able to carry life inside me again but I feel it's time to work through it rather than running away all the time.

My mcs were both at around 11 weeks but I've been open with people. I feel the need to talk about my babies all the time at the moment. They meant everything to me!

XX

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Kewcumber · 02/07/2014 17:55

It won't always break your heart Cat - or at least I suspect it won't. Whilst adopting doesn't replace a birth child I can honest say that it is something that is irreplaceable in its own way - at one point I felt sorry for those people who hadn't adopted because they would never experience the wonder of a total stranger entering your life and somehow managing to to become so important to you and a part of you with no real rhyme nor reason to it.

If you are finding it too painful and you haven't applied to adopt yet, then why don;t you take a break for 3-6 months and try again.

Catlover2014 · 02/07/2014 19:19

Thanks Kew I know in time it will get easier. I'm having counselling and doing all I can to prepare myself. I know a couple who adopted and I've seen how amazing it's been for them and their DC. Just have to hold onto that thought :)

X

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Kewcumber · 02/07/2014 19:34

One of the things that got me through the uncertainties of adoption was that it wasn't as uncertain as bloody TTC! If you want it enough the majority of people get there.

Kewcumber · 02/07/2014 19:34

I used to spend hours weeping over adoption blogs!

Devora · 02/07/2014 22:01

Yep, I too found the adoption process easier than that heartbreaking cycle of ttc, subfertility and miscarriage.

Catlover, I wouldn't give up after one session if you can help it. Give it another go: you may find that you move into a steadier place where you able to do some good processing of the painful feelings that are getting raised.

excitedmamma · 02/07/2014 22:17

Hi Catlover... I haven't even tried to conceive, so I don't know if I have problems or not... but at 44 have never been pregnant (to my knowledge)

This is something that used to sadden me. I often wondered what I would look like pregnant, how it would feel, this life inside me etc etc..

However.. after adopting my beautiful daughter, I can honestly say hand on heart that I am glad things have turned out this way... had anything been different, I may never have met her.

Keep going and take each session at a time... being around little people is wonderful and you get to watch frozen a zillion times Grin

Catlover2014 · 02/07/2014 22:24

Thanks ladies! You've all made me feel much better Grin and I'm going to stick at it. Hugs to you all :) x

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Italiangreyhound · 02/07/2014 22:42

Catlover my bab is a big boy, well he is small but 3, almost 4 and utterly gorgeous. I feel a very strong love, just as much as if I had given birth to him. I know I am very lucky and I know it is not always that way but after just a couple of months it feels very right.

I had counselling for our fertility issues and I am now very happy not to thinking about pregnancy at all ever, but it did take time.

Good luck.

Be nice and kind to yourself.

Catlover2014 · 03/07/2014 07:55

Italian glad to hear he's settled in and ur bond is so strong. Enjoy it!! Xxxx

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