How soon before someone else looked after your little one?

[Italiangreyhound]

Hi all

Experienced adopters, please can I ask, how soon before someone else looked after your little one for a few hours?

We have an appointment (adoption related) where they would ideally like us both to be there (DH and I) but it is not essential we are both there. If we both need to be there then someone else needs to look after little one who will have been home for just over 2 months by the time the meeting occurs.

I had felt we should be the ones who comfort when afraid etc (and lo can get stressed or have 'tantrums' etc and in the two to three hours we would have to leave lo then yes lo may well get stressed.

Now social services are keen for little one to experience some time away from us and learn to detach but I feel only a couple of months in - maybe lo is not properly attached yet!

Will time away (few hours one off or few hours regularly) 'spoil' the detachment?

Advice would be welcomed, please.

Thanks so much.

Eight months after my daughter came home I started leaving her with a friend. The first time it was for half an hour, and I increased the time from there onwards.
I went back to work after 14 months so felt it was important to start getting her used to trusting other people, and learning that, although there would be times that I would leave her with someone else, that I would always come back.
We didn't visit anybody else's house (or have anyone besides social workers and the hv come to ours) until 4-5 months, because I was advised that building her attachment to me was the most important thing, therefore our 'lockdown period' was closely followed.

We left our DD for the first time four months in, but that was an unavoidable medical emergency. We were away for a couple of hours.

It went fine, I think partly because she knows my SIL and her house well.

We had been planning on waiting until around six months though.

About 4.5 months in - with my mother - who DS had seen every week at our house - as we went to see BM. He knew her v well - and she had also looked after him whilst we had LAC reviews etc (but that was in our house

• just a different room).

Actually - I slightly tell an untruth. I had left him for 15 mins and 20 mins before the BM meeting with my mother to test how he would react as I knew BM meeting was approaching.

He was fine.

I think, Italian, it really depends who you are proposing to leave him with and where. If you think it important your DH attends meeting with you, then leave him with someone he knows well in your house. I have only left DS at a friends house (who he has visited about 18 time, with me) once when he had been with us almost 7 months in. That was unavoidable but he knows her v well.

Ps I think SW advice re learning to attach is slightly left field. My SW did not really want me leaving DS if I could help it - but understood lives go on. But to learn to detach? Never heard of that.

We left DD after 7 months for a full day with my DM. I can't remember leaving her before then. That being said, I probably would have done a little earlier had the need arisen.

However I think I did most things wrong - I was looking back at my diary yesterday from the first few days and I did baby play after 4 weeks. Didn't have the wisdom of MN-ers to guide me back then!

Thank you one and all.

So between 4 and 8 months in, that is what I figured, not two months in. You all talk sense and I agree. Time to be that pushy, clingy, stubborn parent I know I can be!

Hels you said Ps I think SW advice re learning to attach is slightly left field. My SW did not really want me leaving DS if I could help it - but understood lives go on. But to learn to detach? Never heard of that.

It is my wording of Now social services are keen for little one to experience some time away from us and learn to detach - it was really the social worker saying it not 'social services' and I think it s being driven to some extent by the fact that he could be eligible for school soon. As he will not be going to school soon it is not really relevant! Yes, there could be an emergency but you can't do everything based on what might happen!

My gut feeling was it was not right for him and you guys have all confirmed it.

Rhinos I did toddler group very early in but I do feel that was right, he was happy there and it saved my sanity and he basically interacted with me and a lot of toys, not really anyone else, but I got to sit and watch him play and not feel so pressurised to 'entertain him' so for me it was a life saver. Likewise baby swimming gave us a time or organised play but basically just him and me in close proximity in water - lovely.

Leaving him is a whole new thing. My friend watched him for 5 minutes while I went to the loo at baby swimming as we were eating lunch! That's all the time he has had away from dh or I in pretty much the last couple of months.

Grand parents are coming to the rescue. I feel totally torn. This is so hard to know what is right. I think social worker has a good reason for wanting us both there and not ds but it is painful to even think of anyone else looking after him even for a few hours!

It was a good eight months here with us too. We thought it important that AD was looked after at our home as I worried that she would think she was moving again. It was well over a year that we began to leave her at her grandparents houses and then it has only been in the day/evening (never an overnight stay).

I had to leave DS with my mum for an hour at a time within weeks. No choice - foreign country, minus 20 degrees below outside, we had to eat and get documents sorted so about twice a week I went out to do everything whilst my mum watched DS. They turned it into a game - they would stand at the window of the flat until they could see me and wave goodbye then would come and look for me returning about 50 minutes.

If its unavoidable then its unavoidable.

Make sure they have looked after him before - perhaps with you elsewhere in the house/garden.

Give him something of yours to "look after" until you get back eg your watch and make sure they plan something which will keep him very entertained for the time.

Thanks guys, have devised a plan for what to do that day, it will only be about two and a half hours but we have a couple of 'dry runs' planned. I will give him my bracelet, that he likes, and also say he can call and leave a message on my phone if he wants to, or speak to me if I am on the way (as DH will drive).

I do understand why the social workers want us both there and although it is not ideal using grandparents seems a good idea as at least their getting to know him (rather than random friends) seems a good idea.

I guess if he gets upset at least I will know he is at least slightly attached.

Any other tips, welcome, please. I do hope his being older means he will be able to understand what we are saying and we will give plenty of warning and not spring it on him!

I can't remember how long it was exactly, but I know it was only with my parents for a long time (6 months).

What I have always done with both DC is actually vocalize "Mummy goes but she will always come back", which they seem to appreciate

With DD2 it was quite some time before we left her with someone else if I remember correctly.

But

We did have a review meeting about 4 months in at our house. DD1 was at school but we needed to concentrate on the meeting. So a new Mum friend and her DD came round and played with DD2 in our conservatory.

Due to nature/location of your meeting it may not be practical, but if you wanted to leave your DS for less time, could you bring a family member with you to play with DS in a nearby room?

Sanders I did think about that Due to nature/location of your meeting it may not be practical, but if you wanted to leave your DS for less time, could you bring a family member with you to play with DS in a nearby room?

But social worker worried he would keep trying to come in the room we were in and that would make it harder for us to concentrate on the meeting, which is an important one for us both in relation to adoption.

Also the play area is very open and thinking about it I would not be happy for him to be in that open area for that length of time.

I know it will be hard for him but here is what we are putting in place.

A short dry run in the earlier morning when Dh and I look around a school nearby for half an hour.

Leaving a special object with him which will remind him of me.

Saying he can call and leave a message on the phone. I can text back from the meeting to say hello if he leaves a message.

He can pretty much do what he wants while we are away so it will be not too stressful for him (I hope).

I am half scared he will be upset and half scared he will not be upset!!

Left him today with grandparents for 15 minutes while went to shop. He was with dd and in garden, up and down slide and when I said 'Mummy is just poppnig to the shops and you can stay with Granddad and Grandma', he shouted "Go, go to the shops!"

I walked to local shops feeling quite dejected, just like when dd went to preschool for the first time and I cried and she did not!

He seems fine, he is very cuddly and loving with me so I do think he is attached and when I have talked before of leaving him he has said he did not want me to. Apparently, he got a bit upset about the slide while I was away but seemed fine when I got back. I am secretly disappointed he did not burst into floods of tears at the very thought of my leaving!!

Glad it went well.
Honestly it is much better he coped than screamed the house down!

At the other end of the scale, we are bracing ourselves for DD2 going on a school residential in March, she'll be 10 and in y5. What's the problem I hear you ask? Well in 7 years she has never spent a night away from me. I have the one friend I would trust with her lined up for a practice sleepover when we can get diaries to coordinate.

I left DS with grandparents for an hour or so per week after a month or so after placement. It was always in our house, which was key, and always with an explanation about where I had to go and why (just some unavoidable stuff at the time). 6 months later he now goes to nursery 3 hours a week and he loves it! And actually, I figure with a little break I am a much better mummy to him. I kept social worker briefed all the time incase I was jeopardising attachment, but they said to trust my instincts. DS and I have a brilliant bond and I think sticking to routine religiously etc too was invaluable in making him feel secure. Just go with what you feel is right and try not to worry too much.

He need to learn to detach ???? A few weeks into placement ?

Your social worker is an idiot

This is not related to the practicalities of how you Manage your essential meeting BTW, I'm sure you will do the best you can .

Granddad and Grandma are staying over so they can look after little one because tomorrow dh and I have a meeting about attachment! Feel like I am at the Mad Hatter's Tea Party!

But today went fine and I am sure he is quite attached, he favours me over dh, he looks to me for hugs and cuddles, he snuggles with me etc. Yet he also still talks about foster carer and how great she was and he has taken to grandparents quite quickly. This all feels scary. am I going to screw up his little life with a mistake!

It's natural that he favours you, if you are the main carer.

And no, you won't screw up his life with one mistake. It would have to be a pretty big mistake to do that .

Thanks Kristina I do feel a huge weight of responsibility for him.