My Parents reactions

[lifechanges22]

Feeling deflated. About to embark on adoption journey but my own parents reactions not what I had hoped for when I told them I was looking at adoption. Both quite negative and all questions around my finances and how I would cope. I know ultimately they will support me but really upset they can't seem to see any positives around me adopting. I know this has come as a shock to them but feeling really sad and it has shaken me a bit and doubting myself.

That must be really upsetting. I've a few friends who were adopted and other friends who are adopters and I think it is just as wonderful as, and in some ways even more wonderful than bringing a new life into the world yourself. Think of the amazing difference you can make to a child who is in foster care or in terrible home circumstances, who needs love and care and affection.

As long as you have done the sums and think you can cope, and if you're alone, have some support in place then why not? I hope they will come round soon and get excited about being grandparents, and supporting you through the long selection process and challenges ahead.

Give them time and they will be happy. It's sometimes a shock for parents who had hoped to have biological grandchildren. They will learn to love any adopted children.

mine were the same at the start. You have probably been thinking about it for a while and have had time to come to terms with not having biological children, but for them it might still be a new idea. Mine are very excited now and I hope yours have a change of heart too.

Both my parents and in laws were very negative to start, now they say they were just concerned for us, it's taken a bit of time and we have made an effort to include them and explain the process etc.. They are all fully behind us now. Don't let it put you off.

My parents were also very very negative. Fast forward a couple of years and they both very proud grandparents. Stay with it.

lifechanges22 I am sure they will come round and if they don't you must do what is right for you. Good luck.

My mum was very negative at first and I was gutted as I really wanted her support. She was just scared and worried about me though. If they haven't had much exposure to adoption they will probably only know the horror stories. Try to give them the benefit of the doubt for now and interpret their negativity as concern for you.

Maybe once you are a bit less upset have a good look at the finances with someone who is supportive and see if it all looks ok. Hopefully your parents will come round as things progress but if they don't you'll need to make sure you are confident that your support network is strong enough to do it without them. My mum is now the proudest granny in the whole world and thinks her grandchild is definitely the most beautiful, wonderful grandchild that exists (and of couse she is right:))

My mum was very positive at first (I think she was anticipating a tiny baby who I got at 3 weeks old from an unmarried mother a la 1950's) then very negative. Ds's medical information scared the bejayzus out of her. ANd now she is the devoted grandmother of an 8 year who she doesn't view differently to any of her other.

However there is no guarantee that your parents will be the same, there are sadly many instances on this board of parents/grandparents who never really manage to get their head around adoption.

It really depends on your relationship with your parents whether you are able to say "I understand your concerns but I'm disappointed that you can't join me in being excited by this"

Most likely they are probably scared for you as Grimble says and you will need to be able to forge on without them confidently if necessary.

I get the impression that you might be single - in which case they are worried about how you will cope for good reason. Its hard to cope! ANd its hard to cope x 5 as a single parent. Up til now they have probably seen you are the single woman with resposibility for only themselves and doing whatever you want. They haven't made the leap yet in their head to the responsible mother. Many parents forget that they too were one feckless single people!

My parents were very excited about us adopting, so was DH dad, but his mum couldn't handle it at all. She would only talk about the negatives. We spoke to our s/worker about it and she went out to see her on her own. After that she started to come round to the idea a bit more. The minute they arrived though, she loved them immediately and has doted on them and has been very supportive ever since.

My mum is supportive but I feel that she would have been less so had she not have spoken to a couple of friends who had been through the infertility journey that I have, one decided to be child free and the other adopted a little girl. Up until then mum was very much,'keep trying IVF', if you want it enough it will happen and being child free or adopting would have been giving up. Having spoken to others in a neutral setting she understands more and is excited that we are pushing forward with adopting.Is there anyone your parents could speak to? Baking mentioned asking your SW and that might be helpful.

Thank you for all your comments. I guess time will tell. I am pretty confident my parents would love any child I adopted and know they are only concerned about how I will cope being single and financially. Hoping we can discuss it a bit more and they feel able to support me as I go through the process over the coming months. Will keep everyone's suggestions in mind Thanks

My parents were negative at first, particularly about the potential impact on DS. It took time, some conversations about facts (like face to face ongoing contact with birth parents is incredibly rare, so unlikely we would have it), but most of all actually meeting DD.

I'm a single adopter lifechanges as is Lilka and I know several more. We have all coped though as I say there are times when it really hasn't been easy and having your parents on board will be a great help.

Just talking to them regularly about what plans you've made will help them start to realise that you can cope. Sometimes parents forget that you're all grown up and just worry for you. If DS chose to become a single parent I think I would be OK with it but thats because I know how to do it (kinda) so it doesn't now pose any great threat to me, but if they've never done it themselves, the thought of the unknown can be very scary

Good luck

Sorry to dig up the thread, just need to offload a little, well not really offload even but say it to people who will understand.

Mil is seein SW this week and is fretting about it. I think deep down she's worried she will say or do something 'wrong' and we've reassured her it's not a question of that. They just want her to help build up a picture of us as a couple. However, she's been very dismissive and defensive about the questions asked on the reference saying it's none of their business or hers what we decide to do, why do they think it's their right to ask about our childhoods and what difference does it make etc etc. we've gone over the reasons why and what she may be asked but I felt a bit uncomfortable today, like she resented us asking her to be a referee because she's so nervous. She was fine filling in the form, just did it and sent it.

It's just unnerved me a bit. We did sort of warn SW as to what to expect as in, a bit of potential resistance but now I'm a bit worried she may be full on hostile.

Think I'm just having a bit of a wobble. My mother however, is now more excited than ever although a little gutted that she's been told they'll have to leave us alone for a few weeks once LOs arrive. I think she was preparing to move in like some do when new babies arrive!

RaspberrySnowCone this may be way out of line and totally stupid suggestion but if I were in your boat I would send her a small bouquet or a box of chocs from Next, Interflora, Moon Pig etc and a thank you note to arrive before she sees social workers.

The card would simply say "Thank you so much for being our referee. We know this process can be hard for us all and nerve racking. We are just so excited to be at this stage and very grateful for your help as our referee."

Either that or I would simply warm social worker that your mil is very nervous and this may present as hostility etc.

Or both and ask social worker if she thinks a bouquet for referee is acceptable.

OR ask on here and see what others say!

If your mum would see through this at a mile then do not do it.

I am just thinking what would put her in he best mood just before she sees SW!

Try not to worry. If you explain to your social worker your mil thinks it is none of her business then that may explain rather than she is hostile to you adopting.

(Just out of interest - why did you ask her, was she more amicable before? If so say to social worker she has got more nervous etc as time has gone on!)

Is there another family member who could be interviewed instead? She does not sound like a very wise choice to be quite honest with you.

If your sw is intent on seeing her, then I would sit MIL down and lay this on the line to her-explain how important this is and that interviewing referees is actually part of the assessment process to look at your suitability. I would suggest that if she doesn't feel up to it, that she say so and that someone else is chosen.

Thank you Italian.
Flowers etc wouldn't help, she's not that sort of person. DH has had a chat with her and thinks she'll be fine, it's just nerves about the unknown. Like I say when she got the form she didn't bat an eyelid, just did it and sent it back whereas all the others panicked and asked what we wanted them to put down but are happier to have the face to face meeting because it's easier than making things make sense on paper. I think that's why this threw me a bit. Wasn't expecting this nervousness.
With her being DH mum and key on our support network she needs to meet SW anyway as there are things about parenting adopted children that we have tried to talk through that it would help to here from SW as well as us.

I'm sure it'll be fine, this is probably just my little wobble about this bit of the process!

I wonder whether she's worried she might say something to jepordise the process is the other thing, then she'd feel awful. We know that can't happen, it's not that simple and we've tried to explain how it all works but it's really awkward. I think she's worried she'll be asked about DH absent father and their divorce etc which from what my mum said didn't happen during hers. Will just have to wait and see. We did warn the SW who is completely lovely so I'm sure it'll be fine! I hope. :/

Thanks happy. I think I'll get DH to ring her and just say if it's something she'd rather not do then now is the time to say. There's another relative that could step in on DHs side I'm sure.

Just to add, up until today she's been completely supportive and happy for us. I think it's just nerves kicking in that she'll get something wrong. She's genuinely lovely and behind us, I think she's just seen all the negatives portrayed in the media and has got herself in a panick.

Having read your last few posts, it does sound like she's just having a bit of a wobble!

My Aunt was interviewed and I gather said some pretty inappropriate things about pretty much everything....I reckon most social workers have heard it all before so try not to worry too much :)

I hope so. To be fair she's stressed at the moment too, lots going on with work and a poorly dad and other family goings on so we may have just caught the tail end of her off loading today.

Luckily though our SW is lovely, my mum thought she was great and she was feeling a bit on edge beforehand too.

Thank you, I think I've just calmed myself down! Roll on next week and it'll just be me and DH being interviewed .

Spoke to social worker, all went well. She said she was happy with all our referees and they were all lovely :) and we have our panel date! A little way into the future but I like to know dates and what to expect.

great news Raspberries

Good news Raspberry