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Original poster

Helping dd adjust

20 replies

Italiangreyhound · 18/06/2014 10:30

My birth dd is one of those quirky kids, she has dyslexia and has always been a bit of a handful, but she is lovely, kind, intelligent, caring and amazing.

We have had some lively behaviour. Normal sanctions do not always work and and I have felt in the past they sometimes made things worse.

She was very well behaved before age 5, I think going to school was the problem and from age 5-7 she was a total handful. Her dyslexia was not really diagnosed until she was 8 or almost 8. Things got a lot better once she turned 8 and she is now almost 10.

We talked about adoption a lot. I felt she was very well prepared. Just as I felt very well prepared, but actually was not!

Adopting our new ds has made both children regress and she has felt quite jealous after being the only one for 9 years (even though she was fully supportive of our adoption). The reality of sharing her parents, home and things is just quite stressful for her.

Please can anyone give me any tips.

I am having time with her alone, as is dh, and she is getting lots of grown up time, but often just wants to watch telly rather than talk.

She does really love our new son, I feel that but she is so consumed by jealousy and has said that she thinks I love him more than her etc! Sad

I feel I am so torn between keeping them both happy and feeling special. I know it is all normal but any tips would be helpful.

Thanks.

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Original poster
Italiangreyhound · 18/06/2014 11:03

Must just add things are good some of time. They share some interests etc so it is not all negative! Grin Wink

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MerryInthechelseahotel · 18/06/2014 13:03

try love bombing I've heard it can be amazing.

Also, she thinks I love him more than her I say to my dc "I could never love anyone more than I love you" because its true.

disneygirl10 · 18/06/2014 13:39

I had all the same issues with my dd.
It will get better, it took a good 6months for thing to settle for us but 2 years later dd is so much better at comprising!
This stage is so hard for everyone especially your dd and ds. It really was just was a matter of time and lots of explaining and patience.

All the one to one time will help I am sure.

disneygirl10 · 18/06/2014 13:56

I also found after a while I couldn't fix everything for them, and actually sitting dd down and explaining that family life takes a lot of comprise.
I was very proud of her the last holiday we went on, when she said it's been very different going on holiday with ds. Although we couldn't do all the things we use to do on holiday its been really good having ds to go swimming with everyday and play withGrin

roadwalker · 18/06/2014 14:14

It is such a shock for everyone
I think this is one of those things you just have to chip away at with lots of reassurance and 'special time'. Special time must be for both children though
My DS thought I had ruined his life. We gave him a lot of time but were also quite matter of fact about it as he could have been in a family who had several birth children
It became clear that he did have an expectation that he would be more favoured as the birth child and it was a shock to him when he discovered they would be more equal than that

So, lots of reassurance that she is no less loved without pandering too much and risking increasing the feeling that she has made a great sacrifice IMO. It will get easier

disneygirl10 · 18/06/2014 14:26

I shouldn't worry about her just wanting to veg in front of the tv. The first few months are really draining so she might just be exhausted by it all, I certainly was!
Maybe just veg out with her with a big bar of chocolateGrin

Original poster
Italiangreyhound · 18/06/2014 22:31

Oh thanks guys. Love bombing sounds brilliant. Will definitely give that a try.

I love the idea of chocolate too.

Thanks disney, roadwalker and Merry.

One person advised me to say to her that she gets 101% and ds just 100% but I don't agree, they are equal in my sight, even though ds is new and not legally ours yet! I always told her before that is how it would be but I also have always told her it would be impossible to love her more than I already do.

Thanks again.

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MerryInthechelseahotel · 18/06/2014 23:33

Oh no Italian what if your dd repeated that to ds when he was a bit older Shock

Like you say it will be impossible to love her more but also impossible to love anyone more than her. That has taken my dc aback when I have said that as they think I am saying I love them best, until they realise Wink but it is reassuring for them to hear.

Devora · 19/06/2014 00:14

We didn't really go through this but I'm pretty certain dd1 just bottled it up Sad. So it's good that your dd is expressing her very natural feelings.

It's just going to take time, I guess. At the moment the cons must outweigh the pros for her, at least some of the time.

I always say to my two that I couldn't love them more, and also, if they're begging me to say they're my favourite: "What kind of mum would I be if I had favourites? Would you really want a mum who had favourites?" They're quite shocked at the thought, so that shuts them up Grin

Original poster
Italiangreyhound · 19/06/2014 17:10

Thanks so much. Yes Merry I was a bit shocked, this was from a professional. I am always saying I love them equally. At times at the moment dd is stretching me so much! Equal love is best. They will know it one day when they have their own kids and then I expect at least one phone call to say sorry Mum for putting you through crap all those years ago! Sad

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wonderpants · 19/06/2014 17:15

Italian, I can only offer some virtual hugs and love! I am sure it is feeling worse than it actually is at the moment! X

TheWorldAccordingToJC · 19/06/2014 17:22

no experience of adoption but I have a 16 year old girl and a 7 year old boy. she was very jealous and put out when he was born!

I used to say ' you're my favourite girl and he's my favourite boy ' when she asked me who I loved best.

works with one of each Grin Grin

Original poster
Italiangreyhound · 19/06/2014 18:06

Thanks, I really feel for us it has been best that new child was a boy.

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disneygirl10 · 19/06/2014 19:38

I say that too! my favourite girl in the world and my favourite boy in the world. Having a boy worked best for dd and us.
How is dd now italian?

ChilliMum · 20/06/2014 10:25

Hello Italian. I came across this thread by accident I am not an adoptive mum but otherwise your op could have been written by me!

My dd is 8 we suspect dyslexic and waiting on assessment. My ds is 3. They do like some of the same things and love each other dearly but honestly practically all I do as mum is referee their constant fights, arguments and tantrums.

I get accused of favouritism but it is just that ds is younger and needs more aid getting dressed, washed etc...

I think it is because of age and personality. Dd spends a long time creating a game for ds or wreck it Ralph to destroy in seconds. Board games are out as ds likes to throw the pieces. Only outdoor activities work but that isn't always practical.

A few months ago I was in a rush and asked dd to read bedtime story to ds. They got into the same bed she chose a couple of stories she felt she could read and they snuggled and read. It was lovely! The next night ds asked for his sister again. I still do storyline but she now does the last one or two and they have snuggletime. After this I read with my daughter. It hasn't improved the fighting but it means we generally end the day on a positive note and the children get their own special time. This might not be the right thing for you but I wondered if giving your daughter a special task or role for her brother might help also??

As I said I am not an adoptive mum and know your situation is much more complex but still uncanny in its similarity.

Best of luck. X

Original poster
Italiangreyhound · 20/06/2014 17:10

Thanks ChilliMum we are trying that, dd reading to ds at night, it is hard to make sure she can read the books because kids' books are not always easy to read. But it seems to work and we do it occasionally, but on your recommendation we will try it more! Thanks.

I agree, snuggly time is good.

Thank you.

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Kewcumber · 20/06/2014 18:22

Italian - have you tried the JEz Alborough (SP?) books - they're quite easy to read adn DS used to absolutely love them at your DS's age (and for some years afterwards)

Duck in the Truck was our favorite. Not too many words and all rhymes.

www.amazon.co.uk/Duck-Truck-Jez-Alborough/dp/0007302622

Original poster
Italiangreyhound · 21/06/2014 10:00

Thanks Kew, DS is pretty cool and laid back. It is really dd who has the 'problem' adjusting to not being the only one.

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Kewcumber · 21/06/2014 10:03

Yes I meant they are easy for DD to read and fun books

Original poster
Italiangreyhound · 21/06/2014 10:58

Oh I see, great thanks. Sorry I miss understood. Grin

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