sorry, another worry!

[prumarth]

At our pre-intros meeting, the chairperson scheduled in a visit from our boys foster carer. This appears to be a standard part of our LA's process and at the time we were so excited to see our boy, we didn't really question it - the rationale was that our boy would need to see her to see that she hadn't just vanished, and to give the foster family peace of mind. However, the catch up is due this week - that's just a week or so into our placement and it feels way too soon. Particularly as you can tell from my other thread, we are all struggling.
Is this normal / usual to have a visit so early from foster carers? My gut feel is that this will just unsettle him in a period of anxiety and all we will do is get his expectation / hope up that he will be going "home", followed by anxiety when she vanishes again. I would love to have his foster family in our lives - they are very special people who will have my eternal gratitude for the love they gave my son, but I think this is something we should do much further down the line - ie when we are counting our placement in months not days.
Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

I've always believed its about 6 weeks into placement.

I think this is way too soon... will only confuse him and unsettle further.

I'd talk to his SW and request a greater time difference to ensure he is well settled with you first.

Honestly sounds very odd to me and I would be pushing this back as much as you feel appropriate. We met up 6 weeks after DD came home, in a neutral place.

I understand wanting to have a good relationship with the FC - so you could keep regular contact via email, photos etc, until such a time as you feel a meet up would be positive for you all.

My sw suggested about 3 months down the line so the child has time to transfer his attachment fully to you. I'm sure you could talk to your sw about deferring it if you feel it is too soon.

When we adopted DS the arrangement was that FC would not see him for a month after placement.

He struggled with that and I believe a lot of the problems he is experiencing now as an 8 year old stem from him feeling "abandoned" by his FC as a baby.

By the time we adopted DD the procedures had changed and the FC visit was scheduled for a week after placement.

All I can say is that DD took it all in her stride and I feel she really benefited from the on going contact with her FC.

My sw told me there is no standard arrangement, and it was completely up to us. Our fc did seem to think there was a standard arrangement, and was furious when I said I wanted to wait awhile. I adopted an infant under 1, and thought to see her fc within a few weeks would be massively confusing to a pre-verbal child - so I suggested six months. The fc was furious and cut all contact, which I think is a real shame. Nevertheless, I'm certain that for my child that was the right course of action. For an older child, to whom you can explain what is happening and why, I think it might be reassuring to see the fc is still there and hasn't disappeared completely and forever. But you must be the one to judge what works best for your child and your family.

We did it at three months and this was right (for us). A few weeks in is far too soon. Expect major regression afterwards but a cathartic one. His attachment to us took a major leap after he had settled down. This early and he will think he is going back to them and he will be left very confused. Ask if you can postpone.

I feel a week in is too soon but have no wisdom in this other than our social workers suggested a month in and that is what we did. We met for a picnic. We told our son who would be there, met in a neutral place and planned for it to be quite short (couple of hours). It all went very well and we ended up spending a bit longer, but that was party because everyone was having a good time and there were other things at the park to do. When we did leave we did it swiftly and he was fine.

Whatever you do, make it a neutral place and do tell him what will happen so he is prepared, even if he is not yet talking, he can hear.

Bless you, hope it is OK.

pS I'd also texted photos and messages to foster carer and so when we met we felt like old friends.

I can't even remember when our fc came but 4 weeks sounds about right.... Then another 4 weeks after that

Both our visits were scheduled here at our home and I was very, very anxious before the first one.... But it did actually settle dd even more than she already was....

Talk to your social worker about your concerns.... Ultimately the decision is yours but I followed our sw's advice and it proved to be right (this time)

DC2 about a month in at our instigation. Worked much better than with DC1 where we didn't have contact for nearly a year.

Instinctively a week feels a bit soon, but I do think sooner rather than later is preferable. Agree with everyone else the business of that first visit is terrifying, but it is vv important for the child and usually goes much better than you think.

DS's foster parents visited 3 weeks after he moved in with us. CAHMS had strongly advocated that the visit was done within the first month as children (apparently) at 2.5 years only have a short term memory of 1 month...and they didn't want him to feel abandoned.

At the time, i felt that it was too soon and set him back. On reflection, I think it was probably about the right time. He was very emotional, didn't sleep well for a few nights afterwards, but I think it was good. We have seen the foster family 2x since and on each occasion, it upsets him less.

We met up with the foster family fairly quickly afterwards - it was definitely within the first two weeks and it was within our home. We had a really good relatonship with the foster family, which really helped and I think it was definitely a good thing. As AS was only 23-months at placement, if it was left much longer he would have had less memory of them.

We've subsequently met up with the foster family on a number of occassions, probably about 6-times over the last year - and they have also come along to important events such as birthdays and adoption order celebration. I think it has been really helpful as it has given AS much more continuity and people haven't just disappeared from his life - and he now has a very clear memory of them, which helps when we are talking about his life story. This has had no impact on how well my son has settled with us - and at present he seems like a very happy and secure little boy.

Our LA said that they had strict guidelines about the first visit - I think it was 6 weeks into placement. That's what we did and it worked well. One week in would have been a disaster

Don't go with this, child need's time too bond with all and new family.
Had similar situation as FC's recent we refused we are a little more experienced than most , is the same for all who are placed with new family's., can use Skype and other mean's , We usual meet may be around and after 3 months minimum , lots of issues too take in mind age of children, length of last placement, number of placements , FC's and may be sibling contacts. Bonding is far more important too avoid latent attachment problems and issues

Not too say that some children will need a slower and longer transition
dependant on the history and individual needs with continuity of support and services.