don't get on with stepson

[spanielgirl]

I'm wondering whether this will go against us? There's been no big rows or anything; there's just no love there. Will sw think I don't love children who aren't mine by birth?

Does he lives with you? How old is he? A sw may have concerns about a child living in the house that you have this awkward type of relationship with.

How does he feel about you? He will probably, if not definitely, be interviewed.

He does live with us atm, he's 16 and has been talking about going to live with his grandparents, we wouldn't be adopting for a few years as my youngest bc is still a toddler, and would only adopt if he had moved out as we wouldn't have a spare room otherwise. The worst he could say about me is that I nag him really. His mum died when he was 4 and I married his dad when he was 10 so he has obviously put his mum on a pedestal and I'm the one who tells him to unload the dishwasher etc

I have no experience with this so hopefully someone who does will come along. The big question is does he support you both will type plan to adopt? If he has moved out and does support you I doubt there will be any major problems just a few issues that will need to be discussed (such as family get togethers, support networks for your stepson etc).

Hi spanielgirl I have no experience of what you are living so I am only making general comments in relation to adoption.

I am birth mum to a 9 year old girl who is increasing like a teenager (get out of my room, it's up to me if my room is a mess etc) and I have a teenage nephew (who has already gone through the grunting comments phase).

I also have a new son who is 3 and has lost both parents and foster carers and is most certainly grieving that loss (and may do for some time).

I think what social workers will want to see if that even if you do not love your stepson, you have empathy for what he has been through, losing your mum at the age of 4 must be completely devastating and has probably impacted on his life in a very large way. I have at least 4 friends who have lost their mums (because they just left or because they died) aged about 6, 7, 11 and 17 and it impacted them all greatly!

So 4 is just so young to lose such a significant person.

I think it is very understandable if he has put his mum on pedestal - even if she might not have been 'worth it' in others eyes he may well feel she was the centre of his universe, I think at 3 I am pretty much that to my new son so why wouldn't a child put a mum on a pedestal when they lose them. I know rational adults probably do that too!

We all know how difficult teenagers might be very difficult about stuff like doing chores and basically considering anyone else's feelings for some of the time! I have met some truly amazing teenagers so it is not always the case but I remember myself as a moody, spotty 16 year old - obsessed with my appearance in a very negative way, struggling with school work and friendships.

I think what social workers might be interested to know is how your relationship with your stepson has developed over the last 6 years (or longer if you met his dad a long time before you got married).

They might want to know what you would do if you did not love your new adopted child.

One thing people talk about a lot on these boards is the 'fake it 'til you make it' approach where you act in a loving way to your adopted child before you feel that love. I was very fortunate in that the love came very early for me (I am still a newbie, our new son only arrived less than two months ago!). So I have not had to fake it but to be honest with a birth child as well, the love was not instant when she was first born.

There are times when much as I love my kids I do not like how they behave or how they make me feel about myself (this is my dd really because she has found it hard and struggled since ds arrived).

I guess what I am labouring to say is that even if you do not love your stepson have you managed to forge a relationship with him? If the worst he could say is that you nag, and I expect all parents nag, then presumably you do have a relationship and he is not aware of your lack of love.

I also wonder how much you and your husband have tried to cement your relationship as a whole family, after the arrival of your birth child, as well as prior to the arrival of your now toddler? If you have tried and it has not worked, have you insight into why that is?

I think these are the key things. When your stepson leaves home if his room will go to a new child will he feel welcome to visit etc? I think social workers might want to look at that side of things just because if there is tension between the existing members of a family this could impact on your new adopted child as well.

I really hope you do not take offensive, I am not trying to stir things up. I just feel you have a slightly more complex family relationship and you need to know what has worked and what has not, and why.

It may be that you have done everything you could and it has just worked out this way.

You do not mention your husband and how he feels and I am sure social workers will want to explore all of this. I do not think they will be wanting to judge you for your relationships but their concern will be for how this will all work out for a new adopted child, who may well be grieving the loss of birth and foster parents etc (even as a baby not able to verbalise it) and so your understanding will be needed, and all the family to some extent, to help that new person come into your family.

I am basing this on what you have said and there may be all kinds of factors which you have not mentioned - e.g. does he have a very close relationship with grandparents and that is why he might move out or is he feeling a bit pushed out? (Again, please do not take offence I am exploring the issues you may be asked about and I have no prior experience at all).

Best wishes.

PS spanielgirl it must be incredibly hard to be a step mum so I am not criticising you at all. I am just exploring what I think will be the 'issues' related to this and adoption.

I also think 'love' is not just an emotion it is an action and by caring for him and looking after him while being his step mum you may well be loving him to some degree too.

Pretty much what Italian said. As a social worker it would slightly concern me that in 6 years you haven't forged any kind of caring relationship with him.

I also understand that making a relationship with a child who has lost their mother and presumably had his father to himself for some time (if you came along when he was 10) is tough and it is very hard bonding with a child who is rejecting you. But even a baby as young as you're likely to get might well reject you. My DS was 11 months and screamed the place down when he first met me, for hours, and refused to make eye contact for weeks! The bonding was very difficult initially and I can't pretend that his rejection of me didn't affect that because it did.I would also question what help his father was in promoting bonding between you and if there really wasn't any attempt to "win him round" or not any way that obviously worked, I would look at books about adopting older children and think about what you would have done if you'd be better informed

I think if you can reflect on your relationship with DSS and consider what you might have done differently and have some empathy for his position and struggles then that will go a long way in your adoption journey.

I don't think anyone will hold it against you for not having a close and loving relationship with a slightly stroppy 16 year old. But you talk (in type at least) in a very detached way about him which might alarm a social worker.

I appreciate your help and am not at all offended. I think the issue is mainly that I got pregnant quite soon after meeting his dad, we got married when I was16 weeks pg and have had 3 birth children in fairly quick succession ( now 5, 3 and 1) . My a stepson has always been invited on family days out but has preferred to see his friends or game, my husband tends to take him to the cinema etc when the children are in bed and he always takes him on a separate holiday every year where they do what he wants to do. He is invited away with us but isn't interested in doing 'baby stuff'. He is very close to his grandparents as they have helped care for him his whole life as his mum was in and out of hospital and he has always spent all his holidays with them. I don't blame him at all for putting his mum on a pedestal, what I mean by that is that she can obviously do no wrong whereas I have to do the everyday nagging that she would be doing if she was here. There has never been any rows or anything between us, I just don't feel any love for him, I think I've always been struggling with babies on little sleep (I haven't had a solid night since 2008) and havent really had time for him tbh.. I sound like such a bitch

My concern would be that you are taking his bedroom and so preventing him from returning to the family home
I wouldn't do this to my son until he was properly settled with his own home
Of course this will depend on how long you leave it before starting the adoption process but if it is in the next couple of years I could see this being a concern to a SW

You don't sound like a bitch, you just sound very detached from him - quite understandably. I'm surprised that your DH allowed him to disengage from family life so much and you might need to talk that through with your DH about whether that was wise in retrospect and what (if anything ) you might have done differently or you would do differently with a child who might have attachment issues. You have no attachment to him because he really is barely a part of your nuclear family.

I don't know how old his grandparents are, possibly quite young so maybe not an issue, but if older then he potentially has a hard time ahead not having really lived with you as a family (it wouldn't normally be possible obviously for a child to opt out of all family holidays and spend every holiday elsewhere) but his grandparents will age and die when he is a relatively young man possibly. Anyway that's not really the issue here.

If you don't mind my asking, with 3 under 5 and not having had a full night sleep yet, why are you considering adding to this by adopting! You probably know that sleep issues are very common in adopted children and my DS didn't sleep through the night until he was 7...

spanielgirl Glad you did not take offence.

I am curious, with three children under six it sounds like you would have your hands quite full. You don't need to answer this but why do you want to adopt - and when would you think about doing this?

Whatever you do I think Kew has made some good points about how to review your relationship with your stepson because you will need to talk about it. I also agree with roadwalked about the bedroom thing.

It seems your husband has ended up with a very separate relationship with his son away from the rest of the family. This may well be what is best for your stepson or for your husband or for everyone. I guess if I was a social worker (I am not) I would wonder whether the adopted child would be fully integrated into your family or not. I am sorry if this sounds offensive, it is not meant to and of course if you adopt you do so as a couple so the child would fully be both of yours.

I guess I am just wondering if you waited a few years to adopt and had the recommended two to three year gap (although we have an almost 6 year gap and I think a bigger gap helps) then your older child would be 7, 8, 9 etc. I know a number of families who have children spanning 1-10 or even more like 10 to 20 plus, and they manage to do activities that integrate everyone so I just think that is worth thinking about if you are extending your family further with a child. Especially a child who is adopted and much younger than your other children therefore extending the age range within the family.

Cross posted with Kew.

I should say that I think this 'issue' about you and your stepson is also about your husband and so I really do not think it is something you have made happen etc but the way things have turned out it has happened. Maybe it is totally normal for step families not to always get along. Maybe they are all different. And maybe if your husband ensured more family time altogether in the early days you may have developed more affection for your step son and vice versa. So please do not see this as a criticism of you. But in relation to adoption I do think it may be relevant (at least for you to explore it).

PS I agree with Kew you do not sound like a bitch.

Thank you. To answer your questions, the holiday thing is because his both sets of his grandparents live 200+ miles away and used to take it in turns to come and stay for a fortnight each to look after him while my dh was at work and he would stay at theirs for the holidays. When we got married they didn't need to come down any more but he asked if he could still go and stay with them as he didn't want to be hanging around with me and the baby when he could be taken out to theme parks etc every day by his grandparents.
I just don't feel my family is complete but my youngest was born with a heart defect so I don't want to risk having another birth child. I am not thinking about adopting for at least 4 years, I would want all my children to be at school so I had time to devote to an adopted child 1:1. Hopefully by that time my step son would be well established with his grandparents, if not then obviously we would wait until he was. mI'm just in the stage of investigating whether adoption is an option for us at some point in the future, I'm not trying to evict my stepson and move another child in. X

spanielgirl I'm so sorry to hear about your youngest child.

It sounds like you have got a lot of things worked out in you r mind - in a good way.

It is totally understandable about your step son having some different activities to your kids, after all he is a lot older and he has a set of grand parents they do not have.

It is totally up to you but if you can, for the sake of your step son and yourself and your hubby and your future adoption plans it may be a good idea to have a real attempt to make that connection with him in a loving way. Yes I am sure a 16 year old is not an easy 'target'.

Your children may wish to form a relationship when they are older and if you have not made that connection you may be left out.

I would really recommend you do not say anything about adoption in relation to this, maybe even to your husband, e.g. that this is some how preparation for adoption! As it may undermine your efforts with your step son. Your hubby may feel the need to tell your son or may accidentally blurt out that any new efforts at building connection are in relation to adoption! Which will not help the efforts at all. And also because although they will help you with adoption, I think, they would help you as a family. Now your eldest child is older than your step son was when he lost his mum you may have some new insight you did not have when you first met your husband. Had the tables been turned (unthinkable I know ) and your child been left in a step family I expect you would want them to be more integrated and for the step mum to make every effort in this. (I am sure you have but I wonder if your husband has actually taken the route of a separate relationship with son away from 'newer' family because it felt better for all and easier, but in the long run could leave your step son isolated.

As i said before no offence intended at all.

All best wishes.

SORRY that should read...

... have another real attempt to make that connection...

Thank you, sound advice, I really do appreciate it x

Thanks spanielgirl it is coming from a recent adopter (me) and not someone who has been a step parent so massive koudos to you for all you have done for step son because I have not walked in your shoes at all!

All the best and please do feel free to update us, we do care. Adoption threads are generally very supportive and nice!

Bless you