Adopting if you have had relationship problems

[catgirl80]

Hi,

My DH and I are looking to adopt but we have had some relationship issues. Basically there was a lot of stress and he behaved inappropriately (looking at crossdressing related porn and it emerged that he is bi-sexual but he has not cheated ) which led to some sexual issues and tension in our relationship. We did come close to splitting up but have had counselling and psychosexual therapy both individually and separately and have worked through out difficulties and we now have a stronger relationship than before as a result.

We are looking to apply to adopt in 6-12 months and have children from previous relationships my DS 8 who lives with us and his DC who visit alternate weekends - they are teenagers.

I am worried that the relationship issues could scupper our chances but this is in the context of a 5 year otherwise stable relationship and we have really sought the help we need to address the issues and come out of it a lot better than we started as a result!

How much is this likely to cause a problem in the adoption process if we wait until the problems are a year or so behind us?

Thank u x

I was of the opinion that these past issues would not be something that would stop you adopting until I got to your last line.....you are not yet a year from the problems, in a 5 year relationship. This is (in my opinion) not long enough to have tested the longevity of the psychological and emotional work that you have put in. I think at this stage you would be asked to wait and continue to work on your relationship and your parenting with those children that you do have.

1 year is not much, the emergence of a fetish/sexuality disclosure can take many many months to work through and the adoption process, let alone a real live child would place many strains on your recovering relationship.

sorry, I am sure this is not the answer you were hoping for

How long do you think we would have to wait for?

Catgirl - I don't think there is any right answer as to how long you should wait. What I will say is adoption is a hugely emotional process and stressful for everyone involved - it will affect your birth children, you will almost certainly be emotionally and physically drained. Generally, children who need adopting have a lot of "baggage" (and rightly so - they have often been through an awful lot). It can cause tremendous strain on even the strongest relationships - the sleeplessness (someone posted today about lack of sleep and inability to calm a 14 month old), the anxiety, the effort. You have to put in a lot to try and ensure that you have a successful adoption.

Not sure how much of your problems you need to go in with Social services when they assess you but I would strongly urge you to wait at least 2 years before your problems are definitely behind you.

I adopted with DH 8 months ago - and felt huge strain in our relationship (we are 10 years together and suffered relationship problems when we couldn't have a birth child). We have argued more (often because we are tired) but I also know we will do almost whatever it takes to stick together because our DS has been through so much - not that we have come close to splitting up but having DS has made me even more resolved to ensure how marriage works (and actually, for me, staying together for the sake of the children does apply when you have adopted children).

I would just want you and your DH to be really sure that your relationship is strong enough to survive all the additional pressures a complicated little one will have on your home life.

Thanks Hels that is good advice. Part of the reason we want to do it sooner rather than later is because my son is 8 and a half years old already and he would love a sibling. Ideally we want to adopt a child in the 2 to 5 yr age range so I did not want there to be a huge age Gap between DS and adoptee because then they would benefit more from playing together. DS is quite immature as he has ASD and is about 2 years behind his peers so a child 2 to 4 years younger would be ideal

If your DS is quite immature I would counsel looking at a bigger rather than a smaller age gap - most councils expect a minimum age gap of two years and some 3 but I have been told by one social worker that research shows the ideal age gap when adopting is actually 6 years!

Adopting too close together in age can cause big jealously issues particularly as your newly adopted child will need more attention than the average child of their age for some time.

Adopting with a small age gap so they can play together for the next couple of years might be very short sighted when what you are looking for a sibling relationship that lasts a lifetime.

Sorry I know that isn't what you asked but I do think you need to think this through and discuss it with your social worker - also if you adopt a 4-5 year old, you're taking a child who will imminently start school and will have to deal with the decision that come with a new child who isn't properly bonded with you, who has lost all their previous life (at least twice) and then facing the upheaval of starting school. It really isn't easy.

I'm a single adopter - I adopted DS over 7 years ago and its only in the past year that I've felt I have the emotional time and space to to consider getting into another relationship so yes what Hels said is true I can imagine that adopting shines a very strong light on your marriage. You are so emotionally and physically exhausted, your patience with your DH must wear extraordinarily thin at times!

We have just adopted a three year old and have a nine year old. There is a 6 year gap but DD is more like a seven year old in terms of some areas of maturity, especially at school as has dyslexia.

I would really say adoption puts a big strain on all family relationships in immediate family so you really do need to feel your relationship with partner is solid and also and that you have considered how your exisiting child will cope. Although there are 6 years between my kids they share the same interests in some TV and in many activities like swimming and cake making.

DD (9) is very jealous and has really struggled.

Adoption is brilliant, I am a huge fan, but it is hard work both physically and emotionally and I really feel you and your partner need to be rock solid. There is little time in the early days for you or your dps needs. I am sure this will lesson as time goes on (we are less than two months in) but those early days are crucial.

Do not be discouraged. read, get information, talk to people and work on all existing family relationships in preparation.

Good luck.

No advice on this but 6-12 months is probably an unrealistic expectation. In fact 6 months is impossible. It is possible under the new system to do it in a year but not very likely, unless you go for an old child or one with additional needs. You are realistically looking more at 12 to 24 months. Also I agree with other prayers. It may be too soon.

posters not prayers.