What do you celebrate? Anniversary you first met AC? Anniversary they moved in? Anniversary of adoption order? All? None?

[Hels20]

Just wondering what people tended to celebrate? I know some people have a small celebration on the anniversary of the day adoption order was granted - but actually, for me, I think it might be the anniversary we first met DS.

Would do something small but wondered whether people typically chose one of these dates or all 3. (Have a feeling this might be more about me than DS as DS's birthday left me feeling slightly fraudulent as a mother and I thought a lot about DS's birth mum which made me sad...I know when I was younger, I would ask my Mum about the time I was born, how long labour was...even though I knew the answer).

We celebrate the day we met - our family birthday! Quite low key though.

Will respond more later - off to drop off at school...

We celebrate moving in day and court day.

Moving in day - certificates of achievements in last year for the girls, plus family meal out.

Court Day is always in school holidays, so family day out.

We don't do meeting date as it is so close to moving in day, and for us moving in day seems more important.

Both celebrations are really just for the 4 of us, very low key. Though my parents tend to remember too and make a point of mentioning it which is nice.

I chose meeting day because it was the one thats sticks in my mind most. And in my case I also have Kazakh court day, UK court day, liberating from orphanage day, arriving back in UK day - a whole heap to choose from!

In the end the only date that easily sticks in my mind is the day I met him so it chose itself I suppose. I try to make the effort to spend the day together, just him as I as it was that first day, perhaps go out for tea and have a quick chat about the whole meeting each other thing. I like the idea of celebrating accomplishments and I'm going to pinch that for this year!

I too always get pretty maudlin around his birthday and feel that its very much for him and not me, I also think about his BM a lot around that time and do generally get quite reflective. I have to say that this has lessened over time and although I think about her still, I don't feel so much the "fraudulent" mother anymore but I would say that did take about 4 years.

It is still a time for reflection for me but I feel less sad about it somehow and like most children of course DS does love his birthday so that helps me focus on what is important. He really hasn't yet connected it with his relinquishment which in his case was of course actually on the day of his birth so its a particularly poignant day for me, but so far thankfully not for him.

I know every date as each one is so significant in its own way. If I had to pick the most important, mine would be the date the adoption order was granted...... biggest sigh of relief ever on that date.

We do moving in date, although this year we had cake on meeting day and moving in day. We just have a small cake with candles on :)

We're planning to celebrate on our adoption order day. Mainly because it's likely to be august/ sept/ cot and we've not got much to celebrate around that time. Our dcs moved in shortly after Christmas and about three weeks before dd birthday.

Because we met ds two days before dd did i think we will not celebrate the day we first met, although we have one lovely, comical photo from that day.

I think we will celebrate moving in day and possibly adoption order day but it is early days yet.

We do birthdays and adoption days which are the anniversary of the order. At the moment kids are of the age when birthdays v important so birthdays are the major celebration and the adoption day is a smaller family-only celebration. Cake tea and family party.

If they wanted to reverse that in future years id be fine with that but the birthday type present bonanza is happening once a year only

If you have both bio and adopted kids, you will probably have to keep any adoption related celebrations pretty low key, otherwise bio kids will get jealous.

So cake and candles ,going out for an ice cream, watching a film together with pop corn -all good. Having another birthday type celebration with relatives, friends and gifts for the child -not good at all.

Of course if you don't have bio kids you can go as crazy as you like. Until they are old enough to know what it's about and they won't want to be " different " .

Much like dressing your daughter in frilly dresses and matching frilly socks in fact

I only have the one adopted and I still keep it pretty low key. Its really just a recognition of the day we met and that was an important day for both of us. I feel slightly uncomfortable making it too much of a celebration. Not sure why - but we're quite happy with tea in a cafe and a chat. It's nice for reminiscing.

Hels - DS loves to hear the story about how we met and he screamed the place down for hours! It's his equivalent of his birth story. CHildren (IMVHO) like to hear stories about themselves and stories where you (in effect) tell them how important they are to you. Birth vs meeting doesn't seem to much matter to DS although I do tell him the facts about his birth (prematurity, size, how tiny he was, being in hospital etc)

Thanks for all of these replies. I want to keep it low key - but mark it in someway. I think the day we met him sticks in my mind rather more than the day he moved in (probably because he growled at us when we walked in to his foster home) - so we will probably just have a meal out and a little cake with candles - just the 3 of us...

Thanks Kew for your tip re birth stories. Wasn't quite sure why I felt so weepy on his birthday - but the day we met him makes me laugh!!

When they were too young to really express a preference, I would mark move in day, because it was so significant for me

Now, it's up to the kids. They each prefer different things. DD1 likes to mark the day we met and especially the day she moved in, but not so much adoption order day. In her mind, she says everything started when we met/moved in, and because she knows I was 100% comitted to her from day 1, that's the important day. She doesn't like a massive deal, we wouldn't have a party or anything, it's more private special days for the two of us. We tend to do things like go out for a long walk and a meal together. I always buy her a gift for move in day. She finds her birthdays hard, and I honestly think move in day is a happier celebration for her than her birthdays. We do really enjoy celebrating together

DD2 finds it tougher but likes 'day I met you' day the best, she enjoys getting a present and having a cake on that day and we talk through how excited I was to meet her at last. She didn't lose anything on that day, didn't leave anyone, just met me, so that's why it's easiest for her. Move in day not so much because she remembers how hard it was for her and she lost her FC's, and she doesn't really remember adoption order day, which is also a bit hard for her because it marks her birth mum legally not being her mum any more.

DS used to love celebrating move in day, but this year he didn't feel keen on it. He's just pulling back from any and all adoption related stuff. I'll keep things very low key next year, see how he feels then

Thanks Lilka for sharing your experiences.

I hadn't really thought about how children might change their minds as they get older. I had also not thought that Adoption Order day might be tinged with sadness for the AC...of course it very well might be.

Good to know (and hopefully remember) that it should be v much child led and there are some good reasons why one day might be better than others.

You might identify with this thread of mine...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/adoptions/869565-Mixed-feelings

Oh Kristina tell me about the jealousy already! I am beginning to realise just how low key to keep it all.

We don't exactly mark the different days but do pause and think "gosh, two years since the court order ", or whatever. DD insists we mark her birthday

In fact I can tell you the day we first met and day of court order at the drop of a hat. Have to really think to remember her birthday...