Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Flip

Original poster

New baby - first blood relative for adoptee

19 replies

sleepfinder · 29/08/2006 18:58

My husband and I are about to have our first child. This will be the first blood relative of his that he's ever met. He is pretty close to his sister and gets on just fine with the rest of his adoptive family, though they are all extremely different in terms of ways of the way they live their lives and think about the world, it doesn't ultimately matter as the affection is there at the core.

I am wondering if anyone has been in this position and if they could talk to me about how they felt when their child arrived? I want to be senstive to how he may feel himself and if there is anything beyond the usual emotional experience of becoming a parent for the first time...

He has not yet sought out his birth family other than a bit of investigation as to where they may be and what other children (i.e. he has made no contact) and I'm also wondering if this also often changes after people have a baby of their own?

OP posts:

jollymum · 29/08/2006 19:38

I am an adoptee and when I had my first child, it was like OMG he's mine, with my blood.When he was 12 wks old my ex h left us and that's why he's now sooo special, even tho he's 16 and a PITA! I found it really difficult in hospital answering questions about blood relations, SN etc and was so glad when he was born OK. Since then I have still got my "adoptee" dad,(now 80) bless him and I have found my natural mum (whom he adores and thanked for having me!) and six siblings. From being totally in awe and stunned it's got quite blase now, after 8 years. I actually forgot one BIL birthday last week and was mortified. If it was me, I would expect to feel a mixture of things, like it's a first baby but OMG it's his first "real" relative. One that has the same blood and although anyone with adopted kids has the same feelings, it makes a difference. It might also make him sad, knowing that out there are other relatives that don't know this baby and never will. It might make him want to trace them, let him look. It will never change the way he feels about you or you son. HTHxx

FloatingOnTheMed · 29/08/2006 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

sleepfinder · 29/08/2006 19:45

Thank you so much jollymum and floatingonthemed for sharing those stories. I'm really grateful.

OP posts:

KristinaM · 29/08/2006 19:47

I am an adoptee but I have had contact with soem of my birth family ( as an adult) so I already knew lots of blood relatives by the time I had my bio kids. I think it does make it extra special / emotional . In my experience , men who have been adopted often don't have any intertest in searching until they are fathers themselves.

i think you shoudl be prepared for his feeling about searching / contcact to change. Some adoptees also get very depressed / sad as they realise what their birth parenst gave up

Original poster

sleepfinder · 29/08/2006 19:52

hello KM. You make a very good point about the mixed emotions - that's kind of what I'm expecting, but I'm not sure how they will manifest themselves with him, he's full of surprises. I am going to have to subtly keep an eye out for it without making it an issue or making him self-conscious...

OP posts:

KristinaM · 29/08/2006 20:13

"I am going to have to subtly keep an eye out for it without making it an issue or making him self-conscious... "

LOL that's like most men about any emotional issue!!!!!!

PeachyClairHasBadHair · 29/08/2006 20:31

My FIL was an adoptee (complicated by the fact he was an abandoned toddler found, rather than given). He has two children.

The hard truth is that he seems to have real problems with very close relationships- he has no relationship with my BIL since FIL's marriage broke down, and though he considers himself close to Dh, I find it rather bemusing as it doesn't in any way compare to my family: he thinks a phone call every six weeks is average.

He is, however, extremely close to his adoptive family and regards them as his family.

i think had Dh married a woman who wasn't eqwually as detahced as him, it may have been very different. I probably see it as worse than it is as well, as I come from a huge extended family. But there does seem to be a lack of- I don't know, what's the phrase? Depth, I guess, in his relationships.

Of course, being abandoned may well be a factor; and I do think it can be overcome. I would imagine that you not (I presume?) being an adoptee would help- MIL has a sad history that involves her mother abandoing her, and ending up in a care home for a while at a young age before being returned to her Father. So eprhaps her experience wasn't exactly bang on either.

heiferjamese · 30/08/2006 09:10

I am an adoptee and have to say that it made no difference to me when I had DD..

I have always known I was adopted but felt so special for being chosen etc, that my adoptee family felt real for me and therefore no issue re not being blood etc.

To be honest until reading this didn't even think about DD being first blood relative...

I always thought I would want to find birth family, but always later, then assumed I would when I had children, but felt no different.

Basically I had such a wonderful childhood and loving family that I saw no reason to look for soemthing I felt I already had.

So maybe your DH won't feel any different to every other dad who has their first child...

Unfortunately both my adopted parents have now passed away, and I feel even more less inclinded to find birth family.

Whatever happens for you, you sound as though you are very supportive of you DH and it is great that you are looking out for him...

lilibet · 30/08/2006 09:14

heiferjamese, I could just copy and paste your post! Apart from the fact that my mum is still alive, that is exactly what I would have written

Christie · 30/08/2006 10:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

sleepfinder · 30/08/2006 11:36

HJ, Lili and Christie - thank you all so much for your different takes on this. It is enormously helpful to me, in terms of the whole range of possibilities. And Christie, I'm deeply sorry that you suffered the kind of verbal / emotional cruelty that you mentioned.

OP posts:

sarahsbump · 02/09/2006 15:57

Im an adoptee and have just had my first child.
I have known since I was 7 and have wondered and thought about tracing my birth family but decided not to,I thought that perhaps when I had my own children I would want to but so far im fine,I do look at DS and wonder how my mother could have given me up but I also know that she tried to stop the adoption at the last minute so I guess I realise she did what was best for me
Im sure your DH will be fine and he knows that you will support him if he decides to find them x

suejoneziscalmernow · 02/09/2006 18:21

With a slight twist, friends of mine have just adopted and the Dh is an adoptee himself. He adores his mother and doesn't feel any more need to search now than he did before (not that adoring his mum would preclude him wanting to find out about his birth mother!), however he has always been more curious about his brother as he knows he stayed in the birth family.

willnlilysma · 17/09/2006 22:54

Hi there,i have always known i was adopted however,never thought about my blood'family?'until i had my son and yes it hits you....first BLOOD relation,someone who you can actually touch and look at and relate 'bits' of to YOU.(all the stuff unadopted people take for granted....he/she has your eyes mouth hair humour etc...!)
Anyway when my son was 2 my mum(deserved title without a doubt) gave me the name of my biological parents and i went from there,because i was adopted before 75 i had to have "counciling" before i was given my "notes" and could find the whole story..........to cut a long(maybe boring... .complicated story short,i traced bio father...nice guy...eventually met my bio mother.nightmare..........)In the end i realised that actually it did not matter that much, what mattered was the love for my child from me my husband and my mum and dad.....not bio parents....it takes years to build a history and be a parent...the fact you share genes actually does not mean as much as you think it does when you are adopted,it is the love you give a baby and the way you nuture it and bring it up that matters,i am so glad i found my bio parents,it answered ? i had but there was no closeness like you have with the people who love you and bring you up.I am so so greatful to my bio parents for letting me go and giving me a better chance.having your own blood make you address things if you are adopted but i also think it makes you realise what special people adoptee parents are and how brave most people who put their babies up for adoption are.
I now have a daughter as well who is one and am at peace now i know my/her/sons bio history.What matters most is the love you show not the genes you carry,that was my lesson learnt.
Good luck with your new baby,she /he will be lucky to have a wonderful family who love her bio or non!!
Louisa x

suejoneziscalmernow · 18/09/2006 13:04

Lovely post - can I make a no doubt irrelevant comment - I really liked the fact that you said you "were adopted" in the same way that I "was born", I find it sad that people are often described as "Ms X is adopted". Saying that you were adopted just seems to put it much more into context in the wider arena of your whole life. I don't know why I have this hang up!

Original poster

sleepfinder · 28/09/2006 16:43

Hello - at 4 wks post birth I can now tell you the reaction of DH. He has said that THIS is his family, starting here and now, this is a new family line - him, me and the baby - and really we are all he is interested in. So that's that. No exploring who might be out there, but focusing on what we have, together. I'm very happy with that as his decision and he seems very content / balanced having made it...

OP posts:

ShakespeareBlue · 28/09/2006 22:18

Loved reading these posts - finally having blood relatives was a big thing for me. When DS arrived, I had the same 'OMG' moment as jollymum. DD is the spit of me too and whenever anyone says it too us I feel SO proud. Makes me wonder whether I'm like the originals, but not enough yet to make me find them. Glad I found this thread.

CJinSussex · 28/09/2006 22:47

I was adopted too and I was very moved by having a blood relative when I gave birth to DD1 - but it may just have been part of the 'WOW! I didn't know I could love this much' feeling that immediately and completely knocked me out.

samwhite · 30/09/2006 19:24

my husband is an adoptee and when our first was born, he held him and just said "blood". it still makes me cry thinking about our first few moments as a family. it blew his world and i was just delighted i could give him that.
ps he hadn't made any attempt to find his birth parents before this and his adopted family have never understood him.
i would add, as his adoptive mother had never experienced child birth she was a little insensitive about my need for privacy and time alone with newborn and hubby. i was still on labour ward and hadn't been cleaned up when she arrived along with my father-in-law complete with cold. she and I have quite different views about children but at least now she is learning to respect them at bit more...

Flip