Knowing when it's right

[Catlover2014]

Hi ladies,

I'm pretty new to mumsnet but wanted to say hi to you all!

DH and I have been ttc for several years and after help from fertility consultants got pregnant twice this year but both have resulted in mc. I'm almost 34 and DH will be 35 later this year and treatments are getting harder to recover from.

Adoption is something we are open to but it's a journey that does scare us. I think after all we've been through it's the fear that we will apply and be rejected by the agency or child.

I'm scared it may be hard to love an adopted child or that the child might not love us but do know we have so much love to give.

Any advice on starting this next part of our journey to having a family would be welcome.

Xx

Hi and welcome Catlover

I think you should find out as much as you can about adoption, go to an information evening at your Local Authority, talk to the helpful people here and on other forums and read the BAAF and Adoption UK websites.

For me and my husband, our choice was adoption or fertility treatment. We thought about it and read up on it and I think, ultimately, fertility treatment just didn't feel right for us, but adoption did. There is no real science to it, we sort of felt our way along.

Hi Barbadosgirl,

Thanks for saying hi. Have you adopted already or are you in the process?

We're actually going to an LA adoption information evening next week so I hope we'll know more then ??

I think physically and financially we can't stand much more treatment and adoption is an amazing thing to do. I do have lots of love, energy and patience to offer a child.

Xx

Hi and welcome I hope you find the board helpful, we all try and support parents and prospective parents as best we can

Your worries are very normal - a lot of people do feel scared about bonding and attaching to their new child. The only thing I can say is -it does happen. It's not always or even usually 'true unconditional love at first sight', but when you are caring for your child day in, day out, you DO bond, and your love grows and after a while you love every bit as fiercely, every bit as unconditionally, as any birth parent. You don't love your children less than if they had given birth to them, because it's not genetics that creates love. It's the nurture and committment etc. I didn't love my children straight away because we were all strangers to each other, but I know that it would be impossible for me to love any child more than i love them now!

Being rejected by an agency is also something that nearly everyone is worried about. Remember that you should have more than one agency option though, and remember that they aren't looking for perfect people without flaws or difficult life experiences.

They do need a gap between you finishing TTC and starting adoption - at leat 6 months, but maybe 1 year, it does depend on the agency. That doesn't mean that you can't go to information evenings though and be learning more about adoption in the meantime, just that it's important to have a break and time out, time maybe to grieve that TTC hasnt worked, and moving on in your minds to the idea of adoption, before stepping on to the adoption rollercoaster, which is a very emotional process. I'm not the right person to talk about moving on from fertility treatment to adoption, because that's not the route I came to adoption from, but there are a lot of lovely people here who have been down the same road you're on and can talk about how they came to the decision that adoption was right for them

I hope the information evening is helpful for you, and wish you all the best. Feel free to ask us any questions at any time

Hi catlover, welcome to the adoption threads. Your fears are completely natural and I remember very well my husband and I fretting over the same fears (along with hundreds of other fears that have come and gone!). Make sure you give yourself plenty of recovery time from your fertility treatments and to come to terms with your miscarriages - both you and the adoption agencies will need you to have come to terms with this and had a period of time dealing with the emotions from it.
Best of luck x

Hi Lilka,

Thanks for your honest advice and words. I'm so pleased your adoption has worked well and you love your children so much, I'm sure we can do the same too when the time is right for us.

I do worry about this idea of not being 'perfect' and hope they won't turn us away. Like all couples we are flawed with history but we are good, honest and kind people too. Or at least I like to think so...

Hello Prumarth!!

I agree that we will need time to recover and we wouldn't consider starting until a year has passed anyway. It sounds like you have had a positive experience from your adoption and I'm so pleased those fears flew away for you and DH.

Lovely to hear such good stories and hopefully one day I will be on here sharing ours on here too!

X

Catlover, we were approved last week and ratified yesterday and, despite the fact our Homestudy went smoothly I was terrified panel would say it was all a mistake and we were rejected! I think it is normal to worry. We are now waiting for a match and I am sure I will be just as anxious at matching panel!

Barbadosgirl, massive congrats on being approved!!! Keep me up to date on your progress. I'm sure you'll be a mummy very soon!!! X

We too came to adoption through infertility and failed IVF.

It is normal to have worries, you're not the only one.

Time is on your side for adoption. You must wait at least 6 months after fertility treatment, but honestly 12 or 18 months is better. Fertility treatment is mentally and physically exhausting. Adoption is equally mentally stretching, you need to be really ready for it.

They don't want perfect parents, they want 'good enough' parents.

If you've had to overcome adversity it means you have strengths and resilience other people might not have.

You will need to accept that your adopted child will have had a history and a family before you, and that there will be a lifelong link for them with that family. You will need to accept you will never breastfeed, and not have those early months.

We adopted sisters aged 8 and 2. It is the best thing we ever did. They have been totally accepted by our family and friends. I regret not having had those first 8 years with my elder one - there is so much I don't know and cannot fully comprehend about her early years. But I am making a difference for her now, and that's what matters.

Best wishes

(7 years in - loving it!)

Oh that's so great to hear :)

I know it's going to be a hard road but I hope we can offer the right things and overcome the disappointments that are in the past!

Thank you for replying x